Monday, December 27, 2010

Happy 3rd Birthday



Three years ago today on December 27th, 2007 a little girl, Mckenna Jodell was born into this world and she changed my life in ways I couldn’t have ever imagined. That morning at midnight my then husband and I went to the hospital at 1230 am to be induced. On the way to the hospital I was full of excitement and a little scared but more excited than anything. I remember thinking we are gonna get to see our baby girl, the little girl that was kicking inside me and pushing on my insides. We started the induction at 2 in the morning and by 3 I started to feel the contractions, by 8 I was in full labor and man it was way more intense than I realized. I went 15 hours when I got an epidural at around 6 pm, they broke my water and gave me pitocin. I was laying on my side when I told my nurse I was feeling a little bit of pain on my side and she said she should check me since it had been awhile. When she checked me she said she didn’t feel any cervix and felt Mckenna’s head was right there. Being so out of it I was confused on why she couldn’t feel my cervix I was thinking what does that mean? Where did it go? She then had my Dr check and he confirmed it was time to push. At this point I was overwhelmed because it had only been 2 ½ hours since I got the epidural and they broke my water. She then didn’t waste any time and put my legs in the stirrups turned on the lights and I was very overwhelmed because it seemed to be happening so fast. So the pushing began. At one point Mckenna’s heartbeat dropped pretty low so we waited out a couple contractions to see how she tolerated the contractions without pushing. I started pushing again then had to stop so my Dr could come in. I pushed a few more times then he told me the next push she would be born. So I just sat up to push and her head was out so fast the doctor almost dropped her. He placed her on my belly and I just looked at her and just kept saying oh my god, oh my god touching her. I was just in awe that she just came out of me. At exactly 9:00 pm Mckenna was born, she weighed 6 pounds 2 oz and was 18 ½ inches long. She was a little peanut. Every once in awhile she would let out a big cry and Billy and I didn’t know quite what to do then she would just stop. The nurse said it was normal after what she had just gone through. As we waited to get to our room we just stared at her saying how beautiful she was. I couldn’t believe that we were parents, that I was a mommy. I was never scared, once she was born it all became so natural. When we got up to our room I laid there just staring at her feeling like I was going to cry. Billy asked if I was ok and I told him I just can’t shake this feeling that I won’t get a lot of time with her. Either something was going to happen to me or something was going to happen to her but I won’t have a lot of time. He said nothing was going to happen she was perfect. If only my feeling didn’t come true. I remember those moments as if it were yesterday. Every detail of that day is etched into my memory. I will never forget the day my sweet, amazing, wonderful, beautiful daughter came into this world. It was the day my life changed forever. She was the reason I was born and the reason I am here today. I love you Mckenna.


Happy 3rd Birthday Baby Girl

I love you and miss you more and more each day. You are my sunshine through the rain. Hope you are celebrating your day where ever you are. Lots of hugs and kisses sent your way. Here is your favorite story:
Clap your hands, and make a sound,
Wiggle your fingers all around,
Bend and reach to touch your toes,
Stand up straight and point to your nose,
Open your mouth big and wide, where’s your tongue? It hides inside,
Count your eyes one and two, what color are they? brown, green, or blue?
Now we’ve said our silly rhyme lets play game one more time,
Point to your eyes, mouth and nose, wiggle your fingers and your toes

 I love you Mckenna Jodell always and forever.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Please Just Let it be Over Already

Well the dreaded days are approaching and I seem to grow more and more distant from my feelings about the significance of the next few days. As families are preparing for Santa Claus to come I am sitting alone in my room missing my daughter. Day dreaming about what it would be like to watch my 3 year old open presents, What toys she would love the best, if she would be waking me up at some crazy hour in the morning telling me Santa came, telling me he ate the cookies and drank the milk, seeing the excitment on her face. But no instead I will wake up that morning to an alarm clock and get ready for work and take care of patients for 12 hours hoping it will take some of the ache away. Then 2 days later I will celebrate Mckenna's 3rd birthday with some friends making cards and taking her a birthday cake. Not the way I ever expected to spend her birthdays or Christmas's. I feel more alone this Christmas than I have for the past 2 years. The first year I was still so very numb but was with Mare and her family, the second year I was in Australia surrounded by family and this year no one. It is a strange place to be in really. This has been the hardest Christmas and Birthday yet. I am surrounded by it all and I can't escape. I went to Target the other day only because I had to buy the one and only gift I was buying this year for my nephew and found myself wandering around not looking at the clothes section, feeling the tears form as I pass the little girl toys hoping no one would notice the sadness in my face and the tears in my eyes. If people only knew how much my heart aches that I am childless on Christmas and what it is like to sit at your daughters grave on her birthday. I just want this month to be over. I just want my daughter back. If only being good this year really got you what you wanted. Bah humbug.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

National Candle Lighting 2010


My daughter Mckenna Jodell was born on December 27th, 2007 and so full of life. Her presence would light up the room she was in, so happy and always smiling loving to explore the world around her, I would love to hear the sounds she made because each new sound put a joyful look on her face. She was a very vocal baby and had lots to say, she loved to listen to way it sounded when she would bang a toy on the ground especially the dog bowl also liking to taste it too, I loved listening to her light breaths as she slept, the way she would put her thumb in her mouth right after a bite of food making a huge mess all over her face, the look on her face in the mornings when I would go get her from her crib, her Mckenna lovin that would melt my heart. Her curious spirit taking everything in, the way she loved water and would splash and spin in a circle in the tub, she loved her bath time, she made my life full and complete. On Sept 27th, 2008 my world turned gray and broke my heart into a billion pieces. I remember that day like it was yesterday. While I was reaching behind a television to pull the cords out of the wall I turned it too far and it started to fall and tried to push it back into the  entertainment center but it was too heavy and I let it go thinking oh who cares it’s just a tv. I then looked down and saw her feet sticking out from under the tv. As I pulled her out from the tv she was lifeless and like a ragdoll in my arms. I knew in that moment that she wouldn’t ever be the same if she did survive. She was air lifted to phx children’s and I got the chance to hold her while her heart was still beating. I sang to her and talked to her told her how much I loved her and how much I was going to miss her, told her to come to me in my dreams. She fought for 6 hours but the trauma to her head was too much and she passed away in my arms at 2:56 in the afternoon. There are just no words to describe those last moments I had with my daughter. I didn’t have the strength to pick her up again the last moment I had with her so I just laid my head on her and put her hand in my hand and talked to her I told her over and over how sorry I was, how sorry I was that I didn’t protect her and that I loved her so very much. Those were my last moments with her, the very last time I ever touched her skin or kissed her face or felt her in my arms. I didn’t know how I was going to live the rest of my life without her.

When I heard that the theme this year was “permission granted” it got me thinking. This has been one of my struggles on this journey. I don’t give myself permission to cry, feel sad, feel the pain when it comes I push it aside most of the time. As time goes on I am learning to truly feel what I am feeling when I am feeling it and it is not an easy thing to do. I found a quote that struck me a couple weeks ago, “we must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey.” Kenji Miyazawa. This is hard for me to do and has not been easy for me to embrace the pain.  It is not easy for me to sit in my room alone feeling that gut wrenching pain in my chest and that yearning that consumes my whole body rocking myself back and forth clinging to my daughters pajama’s contemplating taking another breath because the pain is just too much to bare. It is an indescribable pain deep in my soul. But one thing I am learning is that it is in those moments that help build my muscles to carry the grief and to let those moments come when they come. If I don’t give myself permission to feel what I feel when I feel it I am missing out on life. It is learning to incorporate my pain and sorrow into my joy and happiness. If I don’t allow the pain to come in when it comes I am losing a part of Mckenna because her life good and bad are all a part of her and she is worth feeling the pain. The reason I feel that unbearable pain is because I loved her so much. It is my love for her that helps me get through each day. It is my love for her that helps me tell her story and talk about her. I am giving myself permission to feel whatever I feel and the pain when I tell Mckenna’s story because her life is worth every ache, her life is worth every single tear I shed. Joanne Cacciatore said that “There is incredible power in ones testimony, every time you share your story with another gentle soul, you help yourself remember and heal”. In my remembering her and telling her story I might save another child’s life and make parents cherish their children a little bit more. As Christmas and her 3rd birthday is approaching I am finding that it is harder and harder to talk about Mckenna because I can feel her absence all around me. But I am making an effort to talk about her because she would want me to be happy and remember all the good times and not focus on all the things I am missing (though easier said than done). I want to make Mckenna proud, have her live through me because if I don’t speak her name it is as if she never existed. But she did exist and changed my life the moment I knew I was going to be a mommy. Her name is Mckenna Jodell Fox and she was 9 months old and the sparkle in my eyes. While writing this so many emotions came to the surface and I could feel my heart swell with such love and what it felt like to be her mommy here on earth. I could feel her presence as I was thinking about her and remember everything I could. She might have only been here for 9 months, but in those 9 months she taught me more than the 24 years I had been on this earth and even 2 years later she is still teaching me each and every day. She is missed so very much and loved more and more each day. Though it is hard to feel like a mommy when my one and only child is in Heaven I am also learning that I am still a mommy and proud to call her my daughter.



My Mommy is a Survivor

My mommy is a survivor, or so I heard it said.
But I can hear her crying at night when all the others are in bed.

I watch her lay awake at night and go to hold her hand.
She doesn't know I'm with her to help her understand.

But like the sands on the beach that never wash away...
I watch over my surviving mommy who thinks of me each and everyday.

She wears a smile for others...a smile of disguise.
But through Heaven's door, I do see tears flowing from her eyes.

My mommy tries to cope with death to keep my memory alive.
But anyone who knows her, knows it's her way to survive.

As I watch over my surviving mommy through Heaven's open door...
I try to tell her that the angels protect me forever more.

I know that doesn't help her, or ease the burden she bears.
So, if you have a chance, go visit her and show her that you care.

For no matter what she says or feels,
My mommy has a broken heart that time won't ever heal


Kaye Des'Ormeaux

Monday, November 29, 2010

Emotions are Worth a Thousand Words

There are over 200,000 words in the dictionary and yet sometimes I find it hard to come up with one to describe what it is like to live day to day without my child. Everyday is different and deserves a different word for that day. Many of my days I have decided that I am just numb to it all. I am detached at times, content some days. So many emotions can happen in just a single day I can go from joyful and content to distant and in a fog. These days I am just feeling empty and numb. I am on edge and anxious. My heart aches and my mind is forgetful. I am distant and discombobulated. I am thankful for the time I had, but broken from the things I am missing. I am tired of feeling this way just plain tired of watching everyone around me get what I should have. I am jealous and envious of those that get to watch their children grow and reach milestones. There are so many words to try and describe what it is like but none of them can do justice to the pain that losing a child brings.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Can't we just SKIP the month of December

Seriously? Why do the holidays always put in a place that I feel I can't get out of? Went to Target today and could feel the anxiety build as everywhere you turn

 bam Christmas stuff,

 bam little blond haired blued eyed girls,

 bam Christmas kids colthes.

I could feel the ache in my chest, the tears start to form, the urge to just run away screaming. I never got the chance to shower Mckenna with gifts, I never got the chance to see her face light up with excitment from a new toy, I never got to start a tradition. Christmas should be a happy time of year a time when family gets together, making new memories. Everywhere I turn it slaps me in the face and I can feel her absence all around me. My arms are empty, my heart is broken and I can feel the darkness fall apon me. Oh how I wish I could just sleep through December and wake up like it never happened. All I want for Chrismas is my daughter back, oh only if there was a real Santa Claus..........

Monday, November 1, 2010

OWWBFM-bug

Wow! What can be said about the MISS Barefoot Walkabout to Remember??? So many emotions that ran through my body and that came to the surface as I took those painful steps. When we began this walk I was bound and determined to make it to the top and back down completely barefoot. Last time my feet wouldn't allow me to get down to the bottom, and I wasn't going to let that happen this time around. The first steps were a piece of cake and seemed to go much smoother. As I continued up the path I noticed that the only place I was looking was just in front of me and where I was going to step next. I looked at the person in front of me and sometimes I followed their path but other times I went my own way because I saw that her steps weren't where I wanted to go. Step after step I was concentrating so much on just those steps in front of me I forgot to look around me at the beauty. I wasn't looking at the bigger picture.

This phrase "the bigger picture" has been on my mind a lot the past couple weeks. While going along the path it was hard to look at the bigger picture because of the fear of stepping on a sharp rock, or a cactus needle, or that I might stubble and fall. But why am I letting the fear of pain take control and make me miss the beauty that is intertwined in the pain?? Yes I might step on a rock and scream in pain, yes I might step on a cactus needle and yell and cuss, yes I might stubble and fall but those moments of pain are just moments. Those moments will pass in time and will allow me to build more muscle to be able to carry the grief.

I reach the top of "Big Rock" and was blown away at the view of the beautiful red rocks of Sedona. The wind was blowing, the sun was shining and I was surrounded by those who *get it* It was so peaceful and overwhelming all at the same time. I sat looking out at the beautiful rocks and sky around me and just reflected on the journey up to the top. I closed my eyes and just listened to the wind blow and feel the sun on my skin. I did it, I made it through the pain and got to the beauty. The only thing missing in getting to the top is thinking that the pain was over and I get my reward in the end....... my daughter back. Yeah only in my dreams right????.

It is so hard sometimes to see the bigger picture when I am faced with such painful moments, it is hard to see the bigger picture when all those rocks and needles hurt so much and all I want to do is give up. When I started back down I could already tell it was going to be a long road down. My feet were very tender and I felt every single rock and pebbles below my feet. It seemed to take me longer to get to the bottom of this path and felt like there were no breaks to catch my breath to continue, but I refused to put my shoes on. I had Mckenna's rock in my hand I held on to it tight saying " Mckenna help mommy get through this" I wasn't going to let the pain take over and make me to not continue down this path. My legs were shaking, my hands were sweating, my heart was pounding but...... I did it I made it to the end completely and totally barefoot. There just aren't any words to explain what it felt like to make it to the top and back down barefoot. Again wishing that once I got to the end of the painful journey I was rewarded with the gift of having my daughter placed in my arms again, but since that wish will never be fullfilled I will just have to settle for trying to see the "bigger picture" and the beauty in this broken world and to live each day for Mckenna. To always live and breath for her and walk through the pain because one day I will be rewarded with the gift of her being placed in my arms again, and what a grand day that will be.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Stormy Days

As I lay in the grass with Mckenna I stare up at the sky. I turn to look at the clouds that seem to be forming as I lay there. I watch as it takes shape and changes little by little. I close my eyes and when I open them it has completely changed. Clouds remind me of life and how fast it can change, clouds can make a sunny day into a dark day, a dark day into a sunny day, a calm day into a stormy day. I am reminded that this is a lot like grief. In one minute you could be having a sunny day when all the sudden the clouds roll in turning your day dark. The wind starts blowing, the rain starts to come down. your afraid you will drown, but just as quickly as it came it is gone. The rain stops, the wind dies down and the clouds slowly disappear letting the sunshine thru until the next storm blows in. Storms come and go and sometimes after a storm it leaves a beautiful sunset reminding you to look at the beauty that the storm can bring, as painful as the storm was it leaves behind a gift. Hold on to those gifts and treasure them till the next storm rolls around and places a new gift in your hands.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

To SEE or Not to SEE

When I look at the world around me I am just amazed at how people are so in their own little world they don't take the moments in life to SEE what is around them. When I walk into a store I look at the people around me and I wonder what there life has been like.I wonder what struggles they have faced, what they struggle with everyday. Or I wonder if they have yet had to face the worse things that will happen to them in their life. I look at mothers or parents with their children and SEE how some are so out of tune with their children and wonder if they have ever thought what life would be like without them. If they look at their children and think to themselves how lucky they are that they have them and wouldn't or couldn't live life without them. I too am guilty of just looking straight ahead of me and not SEEing the things around me, but as time goes on I have tried to make it a point to SEE the bigger picture. To SEE the beauty in everyday life when some days it is such a struggle to SEE past the pain that is in my heart and soul. The days that take my breath away and make me wonder why I even take one more breath. Then I SEE Mckenna's beautiful face and amazing smile and I am reminded that I need to take that breath for her. I could walk through this world blind to the things around me, but I choose to SEE even the smallest measure of joy in everyday life. No matter how small it may seem if it brings me any measure of joy I take that moment and hold on to it with both hands and embrace it until the moment I feel that joy again. I try and SEE the things around me and just take a minute to live in that moment and forget just for a moment my struggles to breathe without my daughter.




Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Reflections

As the week continues and each day passes I am struck by how fast time goes. It has now been 2 days since the 27th. All year long I dreaded the month of Sept because it proves that yes another year has past, yes time does still go on, and yes your daughter has really been gone another year. I can feel it in my body as the day approaches as my mood starts to change and my heart seems to ache more and more. I am still in disbelief that it has really been 24 months, 2 days, 11 hours, 45 min since I last held her in my arms. I am trying to recount this past week and I can honestly say I don't remember last week. I feel like I am still in a fog and my days seem to come and go and I don't even remember them. Not sure it this a good thing or not but I am just going with the flow right now because I think that is all I can do.

This year I have to say has been different. The fist year and a half I went around as if nothing ever happened. I pushed my feelings aside because that is what I thought everyone wanted to see, when in reality I was dying inside every breath I took was torture, facing my days became more and more of a struggle. The pain was taking over and I couldn't function I couldn't see past the pain. I couldn't take it anymore so I started to face those feelings 6 months ago and it has been a life changing experience. I have gained some strength to feel the feelings as they come and learning to sit with those emotions. I have to admit it is not an easy task and I still find myself not being able to face it fully but it is a learning process. In the past 6 months I have learned that the more you surround yourself with the people that *get it* the less alone you feel. Being alone in the pain isn't the place to be. I have learned to reach out if I am drowing. Learning to trust myself and trust the one's around me.

 I can honestly say that I do smile and I do laugh and I do feel some joy something I never thought I would ever feel again. Sometimes those emotions still bring that pain in my heart but I have also learned to not let it take over. So much more to learn and I will continue to grow day by day, month by month, year by year.

Monday, September 27, 2010

How can it be?????

Wow how can it be that 2 years ago we lost Mckenna? Looking back on these 2 years I can honestly say it has been a big blur. 2 years ago I would have never thought I would survive without Mckenna, and yet here I am still living and breathing when some days I wish I didn’t have to wake another day without her.  In the beginning I did what I could to just get by I put on a mask to show that I was “ok” when in reality I was dying inside struggling to breathe each breath because it hurt so much to breathe. I had people in my life that would help me along the way when I needed them but over time that put a strain on my relationships so it was easier to just avoid the pain and live life like it never happened. When in reality it DID happen.  I held my daughter while her heart stopped, I buried my child, I lost the love of my life in a matter of seconds. How could I just cover it up like it didn’t happen? One thing I have learned in these past 2 years is that you can’t avoid the pain that comes with losing a child. The emotions that come along with losing your child are so deep and powerful that avoiding them would be a lot easier but it also makes you avoid all aspects of their life. Like the pure joy of seeing her face, remembering the way she sounded, her soft breath as she slept, watching her videos being so curious and happy, remembering the way she felt in my arms, to the pure torture of what life is like without her here, the thoughts that go through my mind that can bring me to my knees, what it feels like to NOT have her in my arms, all of those emotions are a part of her. So avoiding it is avoiding all of her good and bad. She changed my life in ways that I can’t even try to explain. I lived and breathed for her in life and now I must do the same in her death. She was and is the reason I wake up every day. She is the reason I will help parents that are facing this same tremendously exhausting journey. Now 2 years down this road I am still trying to find a balance between the pain and the joy. This is a tricky balance that is hard to bring together because the things that give you joy also bring you pain. No matter what anyone believes I will be living with this for the rest of my life. She may have only been here for 9 months but she changed me as a person and who I thought I was. I miss her everyday and think of her every day. This is a growing process and it takes a lot of time to find your way and what works best for you. There have been new people that have come into my life that *get it* and for that I am forever thankful. These angel mommies that have been placed in my life are my saving grace. They give me strength on the days that I feel I can’t face the pain, they are on this same journey and know what to say or what not to say because they too are facing the same struggles I am facing. As for the old friends and family in my life I am thankful to them as well because they make me feel *normal* sometimes when I am not sure what *normal* is.  So thank you all for being here for me for the past 2 years. Remember Mckenna today and send her some lovin as she will send her Mckenna lovin your way.

Mckenna mommy loves and misses you with all my heart and soul. I am sending you love to heaven above. Hugs and Kisses baby girl you are missed dearly.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

My treasured last week

Today I have been reflecting on the last week I had with Mckenna. It seems like I can recall every detail of the last week I had her in  my arms and thought I would share my last week.


My last day with Mckenna


Sat Sept 20th: Billy had Mckenna that weekend but left her with Tammy to come move our stuff into storage. I missed her but thankful to have someone to watch her while we moved MOST of our stuff.

Sun Sept 21st, 2008: I worked that day and couldn't wait to get off work because I was getting Mckenna back. Billy dropped her off at my work I waited with her outside for Mare to get done because we rode together. She was happy to see her mommy.


Mon Sept 22nd, 2008: I had started this class at Pheonix college for my CCT at work so I could draw blood and put in and take out foley's. Mare couldn't watch her that day so my friend Lisa took the day off work to watch her for me. I had to wake up extra early to get ready just in case Mckenna was up earlier than usual. Mckenna was a morning baby so she usually started to stir as I was finishing getting her stuff ready for Lisa. I got her up changed her diaper and fed her, her oatmeal and fruit baby food. So I met Lisa at the safeway parking lot and when I put Mckenna in her car she gave me this face like mom seriously why are you leaving me with this strange person. I hooked her up in the backseat gave her kisses and shut the door. Not giving her enough time for her to cry or for me to cry because I was missing her so much going to school and working. All day long I called Lisa to check on Mckenna just to make sure she was ok and seeing if I was missing anything. After class I had to go to urgent care because I wasn't feeling good and Lisa met me there and brought her back to the room I was in and Mckenn's face lite up and arms stretched out for me the min she saw me. I still had my badge on from school and she just played with it and was just happy to be in my arms but I could tell she was getting sleepy. We got home I fed her dinner, gave her a quick bath, read her a story, gave her a bottle and put her to bed.

Tues Sept 23rd, 2008: Another day of school but this time Mare could watch her so I still got up early enough just in case she woke up before I left for school. I got ready and she still wasn't up which made me disappointed because I wanted to spend time with her before I left. As time went on I thought she would never wake up, but sure enough she did and that made me soooo happy. I got her up changed her diaper and put her in her high chair and started to feed her. I didn't want to leave but Mare pointed out to me that it was time for me to go so Mare finished feeding her, I gave her kisses and left for school. Again I called many times to check on her and she was having fun with Mare and took a really long nap. I drove that day to school so I had the other girls with me and we had to meet Mare because she had an appt so we met her at Burger King for her to give me Mckenna. She must have been tired because when the girls in the back seat looked at her or talked to her she started crying :-( I dropped them off and started to drive away and Mckenna went into hysterics I stopped and took her out of her carseat to try and calm her, I eventually had to put her back while she was crying because I knew she was tired. She cried almost all the way home. Got her home fed her dinner, gave her a bath, read her a story, fed her a bottle and laid her down.

Wed Sept 24rd, 2008: I was so looking forward to this day because I was FINALLY gonna get to spend time with her. We just had a lazy day and hung out at the house all day. She played with her toys and we spent time together playing. One thing she was liking to do is go over to the doggie door in which she could crawl through because it was huge and she would get close to it turn and sit on her butt and look over at me with this smile because she knew she wasn't supposed to be over there. I would go over to her and she would just lift up her arms for me to pick her up. I was a good quiet day filled with the everyday life stuff that I loved to do.

Thurs Sept 25th, 2008: This is the VERY las day I had with her. It started out like a usual day I slept till she started to wake up which was usually around 6 6:30 as she started to wake up I would get up and make her, her breakfast and get things ready for her to eat. I would go get her from her crib and her face would light up when she saw me. I would go change her and then feed her. When she was done we would play for a little while till she got sleep and went down for her morning nap. On this day she slept a really long time I want to say like 2 or 3 hours. I got ready while she was sleeping and waited and waited for her to get up. I was ready for her to get up because I needed to go to the store. She finally got up and I got her dressed and we were out the door. I know we went to Target because I bought her baby food and clothes. I bought her a pair of PJ's that were pink and said all kinds of i love mommy and daddy sayings (that I sleep with every night). We went home and just hung out and played and I took pictures of her. Just had a very everyday afternoon but an afternoon I cherish. She was cranky so fed her her dinner, I gave her a bath and we played a little more and read her a story I gave her a bottle and for the first time in a long time she fell asleep on me. I just let her sleep on me and I remember looking at her thinking about how big she had gotten. I put her to bed and when Mare got home from work I told her " Mckenna fell asleep on me tonight, I need to cherish these moments because they won't last forever" never thinking that would be the last time she ever fell asleep in my arms.

Fri Sept 26th, 2008: I had to work this day and it was Billy's weekend to have her and Tammy was off this day and she watched her on Fridays. I got up super early because I had to meet Tammy at westgate from Wittmann. I was done getting ready around 5:20 and Mckenna was already starting to wake up. Mare got her out of her crib and brought her out to the kitchen and Mckenna's eyes had to adjust to the light so she had this face of confusion. I didn't feed her because didn't have enough time so I changed her diaper and put her in her carseat and said bye to Mare and we were off to meet Tammy. I was there before Tammy so I went in the back seat and took her out and we just sat there playing and cuddling. Tammy finally got there and we talked for a bit then I put Mckenna in her carseat and put her in Tammy's car gave her kisses and told her I loved her. After work I went over to Tammy's to hang out with Billy and them. Mckenna was asleep when I got there I stayed the night at Tammy's.

Sat Sept 27th, 2008: Mckenna woke up around 6-6:30 and Tammy brought her to me. She was confused not sure what was going on but when she saw me she was all smiles. I went to change her diaper thinking it was just a pee diaper and soon realized it wasn't. I had her by her head and feet holding her in front of me asking Tammy where her wipes were. It was a funny sight to see. She didn't want to leave my side every time I would put her down she would cry and cry. I asked everyone to watch her but they couldn't and I couldn't stand to hear her cry and be so upset so I made the decision to take her with me and that decision has changed my life forever. Never in a million years did I think that 8 hours later I would be saying goodbye forever.

 I am sorry this is so long but I wanted to recall that last week with my baby girl. The little girl that changed my life forever, the little girl that will always be a part of me and the little girl that took a piece of me with her.

Missing you more each day pumpkin pie. I love you forever and always. XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Barefoot Walkabout

Going into this journey of being mindful and in the moment by hiking barefoot was done with alot of thought. When I first heard about it I was like no way that is crazy but as I thought about it more I thought what a great thing that must be, to just be in the moment. So I decided I would try this adventure with an open mind and it was an experience like no other. Starting out it wasn't so bad yes it hurt a little bit but we soon came to realize was that the ground was EXTREMELY HOT! The trail got more rocky and harder as we went higher. And my feet began to really feel each and every rock and how hot the ground really was. On this trail I was told it was alot like grief. So as we are climbing I am thinking of this( even though your supposed to be in the moment ) and it is so very true. Each step I took had a different feeling sometimes it hurt like hell, then other times it wasn't so bad I could stand the pain, then it would almost bring me to tears. We had hot, rocky, and painful stretches till we saw shade that shade became our saving grace it gave us time to breathe and gain enough strenghth to face the next stretch till the next shady spot. That is a lot like grief you walk along the path and there are times that it burns your feet, it hurts like hell, makes you want to cry and you don't think you can take another step, then comes the shade the shade helps you regain the momentum to continue down the path. We went as far as I could till I said I can't go any further so we sat and talked and took in the scenery. When we started back down this trail my feet were so sore from the journey I couldn't continue I went as far as  my feet allowed me and had to wait till my saving grace rescued me with my shoes. My shoes were the cushion that helped me down the rest of the path when my feet weren't able to carry me barefoot. The shoes are like the support from the people you need in that moment of pain. I am so glad I did the barefoot walk about it gave me a chance to see that I CAN go down this path of grief and hit the hot, rocky, painful parts and continue through the pain till I hit the shady parts and take a moment to breathe and  sit with the pain even though I made need a cushion along the way. I WILL do this again and next time I WILL make it to the top.Thanks Joanne.

Starting something new

I thought I would give blogging a try since I am learning how to express what I am feeling and want to share my life experiences and what those experiences are teaching me. Ladybug Landing is in honor of my daughter Mckenna.