Tuesday, June 30, 2015
To have more children or to not have more children has been the question that has been coming up for many weeks. Especially over the last few weeks. I've had dreams of me being pregnant or having a baby. People have asked me if I will have more children more than normal lately. This is a tough one for me because I haven't really had the baby itch since Mckenna died. It has come up a few times but not as much as I would have thought almost 7 years later.
In the beginning I couldn't think of having any more children because I didn't want more children, I wanted Mckenna. I wanted to raise Mckenna, only Mckenna. I have mostly been single for 6 years now and still have no desire to have more children. Sometimes I feel like there is something wrong with me because I don't want more children. I love children, I love babies, I love snuggles, and making them laugh, they seem to love me too, but that doesn't make me want more of my own. This could be because I have yet to meet someone or it could just be I know I won't have more children or want them.
I have been missing Mckenna very much lately. I was talking with a friend the other day about it and she asked me what I miss most right now in this moment. I miss everything was my answer. I miss baby Mckenna, not the 7 year old Mckenna because I never knew anything else than those 9 months. I still just want Mckenna, I want her back and to raise her, I want to be her mom no one else's. Which I know isn't fair or shouldn't be reason I don't want more children. Another friend and I talked about this very topic recently and it was an eye opening conversation because she spoke the words others have never said to me and it was how I felt. It was nice to hear another bereaved mom say the things I have felt. Different in some ways but the same in so many other ways.
Will I have more children, I don't know. Do I want more children, I don't know. I am now 31 years old and I am setting an age on if I do not have more children by then I will never have more children and I feel I will be content with that. Most in my life would love for me to get married, have more children, have a family and I truly feel that this may not happen. I may meet someone, I may get married, but I may not have more children. I am ok with that and truly it is my life and my choice to make. For me there are so many reasons I don't want more children and I think that needs to be ok.
I know that if any of my wishes came true I would want my baby girl, my Mckenna and I don't think that will ever change.