Monday, July 15, 2013

I'm Sorry Mom.....I Love and Miss You

As I sit in my empty room eating my dinner I think of my mom. All the days she was alone, lonely and sad. I am taken back by the images of finding my mom lifeless in her bed on a daily bases. Many are not aware of the circumstances of her death and out of respect of my mom and my brother I will keep most of the details private. As many know we struggled with my mom’s drinking and over the last several months it has been a real battle. My mother was a beautiful soul deep down in that pain she tried so hard to rid herself of with drinking. I always knew that person deep down and so I would continue to fight to get that person back. All I ever wanted was for her to be the mom I knew she could be, the mom that I knew she was. In the process of going through her things and moving her it was brought to my attention the magnitude of her pain, her struggles, and her demons. It breaks my heart to know just how much my mom suffered because of the evilness of people in her life. No human being should endure the kind of pain that was placed upon her beautiful innocent soul.

All the what if’s, shoulda, coulda, woulda’s that I am left with have been hard to swallow. I struggle with those last days I saw her, the last time I spoke to her having that gut feeling that something wasn't right and doing nothing. There is a lot that people don’t know about those last couple months of her life and many aren't aware of the fact that she suffered a great deal. This kills me and hindsight is always 20/20. I hold onto the fact that the last words we spoke were, I love you. The words I will never get out of my head, the sound of her voice and the tears I felt hanging up with her that very last time.

There are also great memories that flood my head. The times when I would wake up in the mornings even in high school and go sit on her lap till I fully woke up. The times we would laugh so hard we would cry telling a story. The times my nana, my mom and I would lay in bed together and just talk and wait for papa to bring us coffee. There are good times and I just miss my mom. I knew this day would come eventually, just did not expect it to be so soon. Death changes people and her death has affected me is ways I can’t describe. Life just isn't the same without my mom, and my daughter. I am no longer the person I was and never will be.