Forgiving someone doesn't come easy, asking for forgiveness is hard to do and forgiving yourself is almost impossible. I have heard this word "forgiveness" for almost 2 1/2 years since Mckenna's death.
"You need to FORGIVE yourself, it wasn't your fault, it was an ACCIDENT."
What people don't understand is no matter the fact that it was an ACCIDENT it truly was my fault. It was because of my actions of moving the television that Mckenna is no longer here. I am responsible for my daughters death.
Until this past January I could not "forgive" myself. How could I let myself off the hook for killing Mckenna? Well what I have come to learn in this journey is that yes I am the one that moved the TV, yes I am the one responsible for taking Mckenna's life but it was an ACCIDENT. I DID NOT intend for this to happen, I DID NOT do this on purpose, I made a MISTAKE yes a very BIG MISTAKE, but I have taken responsiblity for what I have done and I have FORGIVEN myself. When I destroyed the television that I moved that took Mckenna's life it was like a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. I could move forward with forgiving myself for the MISTAKE I made that took the love of my life from me.
I have to believe that if I was face to face with Mckenna right now she would say to me " Mommy I FORGIVE you, it wasn't your fault, I love you". I am holding on to those words until the day I am truly face to face with my daughter. Until that day comes I will continue to honor Mckenna Jodell and keep her memory alive because everyone needs to know how special she was/is and she deserves to be remembered.
Mckenna Jodell Mommy loves you more than words can even express, more than I will ever be able to show. I hope mommy is making you proud. Keep guiding me in the direction I am supposed to be going. I love you pumpkin pie. Kiss Kiss Kiss.