Monday, April 21, 2014

From Disconnected to Connected

Being disconnected has been my world for a few years, disconnected from feelings, love, and life. This past weekend we were asked to think of a word that would be our intention for the weekend as we embark on some heavy, beautiful grief work. The first word that came to mind was connection. I wanted to connect to my feelings, others feelings, Mckenna, my mom and feel with my whole heart without disconnecting from the world around me. I needed to feel what came up and allow myself to just be with it, trust it, honor it and love it. I needed to love myself enough to dig deep and reach in and feel what I try so hard to disconnect from. Being disconnected is a lonely world and it’s a world that I really don’t care to live in anymore. I let my guard down and allowed myself to be vulnerable which allowed me to truly be with Mckenna the entire time. I felt her with me, I honored her life, I was her mother and mothered her the only way I can now.

My head was swirling with memories of Mckenna’s life, our life. I felt her in my arms, I felt her in my heart, I felt her all around me and she made her presence known in more ways than one. I have missed her since my heart has been consumed with my moms death. I have felt more disconnected from her than I ever have. I tried telling myself that she is allowing me to grieve my mom because she is a busy little girl changing lives, but I missed her and felt as if I was forgetting her. This weekend reminded me that I will never forget her, I will never stop loving her, and I will never stop being her mother.

 For many years I have allowed others feelings and emotions to control how I grieve, share and feel, in order to make them feel better, to not feel so judged and to feel accepted. In doing this I have allowed myself to become more and more disconnected from my child. The child that I gave birth to, the child that I was so honored to watch grow, the child that I held as her heart stopped beating. How could I allow this to happen for so long? How could I allow others to make me feel like that there is something wrong with me because I miss my child? How could I not share her beautiful life? Mckenna was here, she lived, she was so very beautiful and she was mine. I no longer want to feel disconnected from her and I want to share her and be able to be her mom because I have every right to miss her and talk about her because she is my daughter and she died. Her little body is laying in a little pink casket underground wearing a purple dress with her favorite play phone and a book, that is not the way it is supposed to be and for me to feel like I can’t miss her is not fair
I too was the mother who could not imagine living without my child, I was the mother who missed her child when she was away from her, I was the mother who cherished every moment, I was the mother who took pictures, videos, gave kisses, gave hugs, tucked her in at night, I was a mother just like most mothers. Now I am the mother who held her child when she died, the mother who buried her child, the mother who misses milestones, the mother who will never get to watch their child grow up, the mother I wish I wasn’t.
Just remember a bereaved mother/parent is just like you, the difference is that your child is still with you….
I took so much away from this past weekend, and I am so very blessed to have had the chance to be there and learn about so many beautiful children and to be with such beautiful parents who love and miss their children.