Being disconnected has been my world for a few years, disconnected
from feelings, love, and life. This past weekend we were asked to think of a
word that would be our intention for the weekend as we embark on some heavy,
beautiful grief work. The first word that came to mind was connection. I wanted
to connect to my feelings, others feelings, Mckenna, my mom and feel with my
whole heart without disconnecting from the world around me. I needed to feel
what came up and allow myself to just be with it, trust it, honor it and love
it. I needed to love myself enough to dig deep and reach in and feel what I try
so hard to disconnect from. Being disconnected is a lonely world and it’s a
world that I really don’t care to live in anymore. I let my guard down and
allowed myself to be vulnerable which allowed me to truly be with Mckenna the
entire time. I felt her with me, I honored her life, I was her mother and
mothered her the only way I can now.
My head was swirling with memories of Mckenna’s life, our
life. I felt her in my arms, I felt her in my heart, I felt her all around me
and she made her presence known in more ways than one. I have missed her since
my heart has been consumed with my moms death. I have felt more disconnected
from her than I ever have. I tried telling myself that she is allowing me to
grieve my mom because she is a busy little girl changing lives, but I missed
her and felt as if I was forgetting her. This weekend reminded me that I will
never forget her, I will never stop loving her, and I will never stop being her
mother.
For many years I have
allowed others feelings and emotions to control how I grieve, share and feel,
in order to make them feel better, to not feel so judged and to feel accepted.
In doing this I have allowed myself to become more and more disconnected from
my child. The child that I gave birth to, the child that I was so honored to
watch grow, the child that I held as her heart stopped beating. How could I allow
this to happen for so long? How could I allow others to make me feel like that
there is something wrong with me because I miss my child? How could I not share
her beautiful life? Mckenna was here, she lived, she was so very beautiful and
she was mine. I no longer want to feel disconnected from her and I want to share
her and be able to be her mom because I have every right to miss her and talk
about her because she is my daughter and she died. Her little body is laying in
a little pink casket underground wearing a purple dress with her favorite play
phone and a book, that is not the way it is supposed to be and for me to feel
like I can’t miss her is not fair
.
I too was the mother who could not imagine living without my
child, I was the mother who missed her child when she was away from her, I was
the mother who cherished every moment, I was the mother who took pictures,
videos, gave kisses, gave hugs, tucked her in at night, I was a mother just
like most mothers. Now I am the mother who held her child when she died, the
mother who buried her child, the mother who misses milestones, the mother who
will never get to watch their child grow up, the mother I wish I wasn’t.
Just remember a bereaved mother/parent is just like you, the
difference is that your child is still with you….
I took so much away from this past weekend, and I am so very
blessed to have had the chance to be there and learn about so many beautiful
children and to be with such beautiful parents who love and miss their
children.
Selah
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