Tuesday, March 3, 2015

I Would Have a 7 Year old...Sigh

I would have a 7 year old, a 7 year old!! Sometimes that thought fills my heart with sadness. How could she be dead? How could my baby girl be dead? I watched a short video of her last night and it’s hard to believe that she was mine. It’s hard to believe that I gave birth to this amazing, beautiful, curious, old soul. I have often said I can’t imagine my life without Mckenna. I live everyday without her. I still cannot visualize never having her, never knowing her, never holding her, kissing her, loving her, as my life would not be the same without her ever existing. I may not have made the best decision staying with my ex husband back when I knew he cheated, however, if I had left him then I would have never had her. That is not a thought I can even begin to imagine. I would make the same choice if I had to live it again because she was worth the pain I went through all those years. 

I miss my daughter, I miss being her mom, I miss my life as a her mom, she was my partner in crime, my joy, my everything.

I often try and imagine what she would be like as a 7 year old. I look at other 7 year olds and think, would she be like that, would her hair be like that, would she act like that and these questions I will never know. The baby girl I knew was very curious about her surroundings, quiet and shy around strangers, a deep thinker (yes even for a baby), very smart, happy, loved life, fun, knew what she wanted, did not need entertaining, was just an overall amazing baby. I am sure she would mostly be the same in her personality, sadly,I will just never know her as any other age than a 9 month old baby.

If you knew Mckenna or only know her through me, would you be willing tell me what you feel she would be like, what she would be into, and how she would act? I would love to hear how you envision her. Just curious…

Missing her will never change, I will always wonder, and I will forever and always love her. 

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