Tuesday, September 27, 2016

8 Years Ago Today....




I did not know what September 27th, 2008 would bring. I was so full of emotions that day, from the moment Mckenna woke up, to the moment I went to bed without her. It's hard to believe how that can happen. How the day can turn in an instant. The drastic changes from the morning to the afternoon to the evening. I did not know that at around 9 am that I would move a TV and it would fall on my daughter. I did not know that at 2:56pm I would hold her lifeless body as she slipped away no longer the joyful, full of life little girl I woke up to that morning. I did not know that I would walk around in a daze wondering what in the hell had just happened going to bed lost and confused. My life was changed on the morning of September 27th, 2008.

8 years ago today I knew what it meant to be brought to your knees begging for your life to end because the pain was just too much to bare. In these last 8 years, I have discovered the depths of darkness I would go. I discovered who would stay by my side and who would leave. I discovered how to push the pain away and put on my mask. I discovered who I was and who I wasn't. I discovered how to feel the pain and carry it. I discovered that I will learn to navigate this life without my daughter. I will allow the dark in and embrace the light knowing and trusting that it will ebb and flow for the rest of my life. I have learned so much since that day and will continue to learn and grow until the day I die. Just wish with every part of my soul that it did not happen and I was here with my daughter.

It has been a long/short 8 years. SO much has happened since that day. I never knew I would get to the place I am today. I did not know that I would one day feel joy again. I did not know that her death would cause me to grow in ways I never thought possible. I did not know that I would become, grow and love so deeply. My daughter changed my life and dare I say, she changed me for the better.  Would I give it all up to live a life with her, of course, however, this is not possible. I will not be able to mother her on this earth. So I will embrace those who come into my life who fill me with joy and love, I will look at the little things in life and know they are a gift, I will love with every part of my soul, I will see the beauty in the pain. I will allow love into my heart even when I feel I don't deserve it. I will honor Mckenna forever and always because she is the reason I was put on this earth. 

On the morning of September 27th, 2008 I lost the love of my life. Her name is Mckenna Jodell and she will NEVER ever be forgotten, she is forever loved and always MISSed….