Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Part of Me....Part of My Story...

        Dr. Cacciatore has been asking questions on FB about death and today's question really got me thinking. Today’s question was "What emotion- what nuanced part of grief -  has been the most difficult with which to cope?" My response was about shame and me not feeling worthy of unconditional love, joy and happiness because I am responsible for Mcknena’s death. Why do I deserve love when I’m the reason her beautiful soul is no longer here? I now feel I do deserve love, joy and happiness, but it has not been an easy journey getting there. I often hear from others, “it was an accident,” “It’s not your fault,” Many say that they don’t know how I am able to do what I do. They think I am “amazing” for being able to face the challenges I face and do what I do. I often hear, “I can’t imagine,” “I would die if something happened to my child,” “wow, I don’t know how you do it.” I don’t often tell my whole story, I only tell it when I feel the need to, or when I meet someone that I feel so strongly to tell my story to. Not just, a television fell on my daughter part of the story, but details that few really know. Well I would like to share just a part of that story from that day, not because I am amazing, but because it is my reality. It is what I live with everyday, it is what takes my breath away, it is why for so long I didn't feel worthy of love, joy and happiness, why shame controlled my life.

Many know that I moved the television that day, they know I was pulling cords from the back and after reaching behind pulling the cords, the television started to tip and it was too heavy and I thought, oh who cares it’s just a TV and letting it fall not knowing Mckenna was next to me. One thing some may not know is that in that split second before standing up and the tv starting to fall, I saw her there, happily bang this toy I gave her on the ground. In that spilt second as the TV was falling I forgot that she was there. After the TV fell looking down seeing her feet sticking out I was in shock, horrified at the sight and my heart dropped. When pulling Mckenna out she was lifeless, a rag doll. Many may not know that as I was talking to 911 my phone was beeping that it was going to die, many may not know that when the 911 operator told me to calm down because she can hear you, that Mckenna had 2 tears roll down her face. That is my reality, that is why I struggle forgiving myself and why I never really will.

This part of the story haunts me and at times cause such pain in my heart that I feel it will just stop. Some know this part of the story well because those few I share such detail with have walked with me each and every step of the way. I am blessed with beautiful souls that love me unconditionally and allow me to be me and love me despite the fact that I am responsible for Mckenna’s death. They don’t look at me that way, they look at me as a broken hearted mama who’s child tragically died.

 One beautiful soul (aka soul mama) saved me and she has shown me what unconditional love means. Many ask how I do what I do and I owe a lot of that to this beautiful soul. Mckenna is the reason we are in each other’s lives and Mckenna guides her to help me achieve many of the challenges I challenge myself with. I love her dearly and so very blessed to have her in my life. 

It is not easy to openly share such details with so many, but I needed people to know a part of me. My life changed that day and will never be the same.

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

15 Years....Dad I Miss You

While driving past New River I always think of my Dad. While going up north and I was thinking of my dad and realized that it will 15 years that he has been gone. That number took my breath away. Each year it seems like I have different emotions when approaching his death day. This year it seems shocking to me that he has been gone 15 years. That just seems impossible. Just saying the number hurts my heart…..How can it really be that long???

Life does seem to just go on when at the time I wished my world would have just stopped. My world was filled with sadness, hurt, anger, confusion. I was a lost 14 year old girl trying to find my way alone. At that time in my life everything was going wrong, a dead dad, an alcoholic mother, a family so far apart from each other it seemed like there was no light, only dark. Life was lonely back then. His death did not bring my family closer together, only drove us more and more apart. I would not go back to that time in my life for anything. Though I believe that I would not be who I am today without that life experience, I would not like to relive it.

I owe a lot to my dad for me helping me be the person I am today. His death, his life, who he was and the person I knew, are all factors in me, who I am. He loved his children, though had a harder time expressing or showing all the time, he loved us. I would love to have him wrap his arms around me and hug me like he did when I was a little girl. Nothing like a daddy hug.   

One of my favorite memories is our very last Christmas together. He gave all of us big, giant candied apples. Mine had M&M’s on it and that was by far the best Christmas gift I ever got from him. It was a reminder that his presence was the gift, him being there to give a special gift to his children (though they don’t remember the candied applesJ). Those moments you can’t get back and once those chances are gone, they are gone forever. Thank you Dad for leaving me with that memory, I will never forget it….

Dad, 15 years ago I said goodbye to you. I hope you are proud of the women I have become and continue to be. I miss you and I love you. Love Ash.