Friday, January 28, 2011

What A Road It Has Been

2 years 4 months and 1 day ago my life completely changed. I entered a world that I never knew existed, a life that I wouldn't wish upon anyone even my worst enemy. On my journey I have learned a great deal about myself and I am still learning and *becoming* the Ashley that I must have chosen to be. In the beginning of this grief journey I never, ever thought I would be where I am at today. When I would lay on my bedroom floor curled up in a ball sobbing asking for my daughter back, asking why, saying I can't do this anymore not wanting to take another breath, I couldn't see past my pain. I couldn't see past that hour or min let alone think years down the road. But as I sit here today and I look back on how far I have come I am in amazement. I am still breathing, I am still here, I have survived these past 2 years 4 months and 1 day without the love of my life. The roads are not easy, they go up and down, they have unexpected curves, they have huge mountains and sometimes just small hills, they have rocks and boulders, stickers and heat but even in those roughest roads there are roads that have flowers, rainbows, sunsets, sunrises, the smell of rain, singing birds. There is beauty that I couldn't see before because my grief was overwhelming me. I still live with it everyday and I STILL and ALWAYS will miss her and have days that I can't get past the pain but they come further apart and don't last as long as they use to. I see that Mckenna's life still has a purpose and she is living through me. I can hear her in my head whispering "Mommy I'm here" to remind me that I am doing what I am meant to do. More people know about my amazing, wonderful, beautiful little girl who not only changed my life, but changed so many other people's lives. I will continue to honor Mckenna and I will continue to work towards my goal because I want my daughter to be proud of me. She deserves to be remembered and until the day that I take my last breath and I am reunited with her I will continue to have her live through me.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Finally Destroyed

How do I put to words how much I hate that TV? How do I describe how it felt to destroy it? When I first laid eyes on the television it lierally took my breath away, it was the first time I had seen it since that day. It was much bigger than I remember and all I could think was my poor, poor baby girl. I have wanted to destroy the televison that killed Mckenna for over 2 years and I finally got the chance this past Sunday. I couldn't get rid of it or sell it because I couldn't fathom a family watching the TV that took my child's life. When the day finally came to destroy the thing that took her from me I had so many emotions going through my body. I was scared, nervous and had flashbacks all morning. I was curious to see how I would react and how I would feel when I was done. I decided to to take it out to the desert to destroy it so I could shoot at the screen to make sure it would be easier to break. First shot cracked the screen and what a feeling that was to just see the broken screen. I shot 3 more times to make sure it would break when I hit it with the bat. So I then grabbed the bat and made my way towards the TV ready to beat the hell out of it. The first hit was amazing I then started banging the TV with such force that I was out of breath and my arms began to ache but I wouldn't and couldn't stop. I just kept hitting it saying in my head you son of a bitch you took Mckenna away from me, I hate you, it's because of you I have to live the rest of my life without her. I hit it till I couldn't break it anymore than I already did. I was out of breath and shaking. It was gone, it was destroyed finally after 2 years 3 months and 13 days I finally destroyed the thing that caused me to lose Mckenna. The next day my body hurt and I was sore but it was worth all the pain to destroy that F***ing television.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Ladybug Cookies

Sometimes there are people in your life that you don’t realize are the people you need the most. You try so hard to get the love and support from people that just end up not being what you need or what you thought they were. It’s the people who love you unconditionally that go unnoticed. I have always known my family loves me but never did I realize how much my sister in law loves me till this morning. I know people think about Mckenna and love her but never mention her to me at random. They don’t tell me a memory or tell me how much they miss her. I know a lot of people don’t know what to say or they don’t want bringing her up to make me sad or cry. But the smallest thing like ladybug cookies to show me that Mckenna has not been forgotten and that they love her and miss her has made my heart smile. Such a simple and kind gesture has me at a loss for words really. So take the time to remember someone’s child by doing a random act of kindness in their name or just call them and tell them you are thinking of them and their child. You will never know what that means to a bereaved parent who feels like the world has forgotten their child.  Thank you Sarah and I love you