Skip to main content

What A Road It Has Been



2 years 4 months and 1 day ago my life completely changed. I entered a world that I never knew existed, a life that I wouldn't wish upon anyone even my worst enemy. On my journey I have learned a great deal about myself and I am still learning and *becoming* the Ashley that I must have chosen to be. In the beginning of this grief journey I never, ever thought I would be where I am at today. When I would lay on my bedroom floor curled up in a ball sobbing asking for my daughter back, asking why, saying I can't do this anymore not wanting to take another breath, I couldn't see past my pain. I couldn't see past that hour or min let alone think years down the road. But as I sit here today and I look back on how far I have come I am in amazement. I am still breathing, I am still here, I have survived these past 2 years 4 months and 1 day without the love of my life. The roads are not easy, they go up and down, they have unexpected curves, they have huge mountains and sometimes just small hills, they have rocks and boulders, stickers and heat but even in those roughest roads there are roads that have flowers, rainbows, sunsets, sunrises, the smell of rain, singing birds. There is beauty that I couldn't see before because my grief was overwhelming me. I still live with it everyday and I STILL and ALWAYS will miss her and have days that I can't get past the pain but they come further apart and don't last as long as they use to. I see that Mckenna's life still has a purpose and she is living through me. I can hear her in my head whispering "Mommy I'm here" to remind me that I am doing what I am meant to do. More people know about my amazing, wonderful, beautiful little girl who not only changed my life, but changed so many other people's lives. I will continue to honor Mckenna and I will continue to work towards my goal because I want my daughter to be proud of me. She deserves to be remembered and until the day that I take my last breath and I am reunited with her I will continue to have her live through me.


Comments

Popular posts from this blog

10 Years Without You Mom....

10 years ago today, I experienced the second worst day of my life. I found my mother dead in her bed. Even 10 years later, when I say those words it takes my breath away. I know it's not a very delicate way to say it but it's the truth. I don't relive every detail like I did for many years. For years, following her death, I couldn't get those images out of my head. Every detail from the moment I unlocked the door, to the funeral home taking her away. Each moment played out often. What an absolutely awful day it was.  The days leading up to her death also haunted me. I always felt I didn't do enough. She died sad and alone in an apt that was horrible. I had reached a point in her alcoholism of distancing myself. I couldn't handle the heartache and the broken promises and the constantly finding her drunk and the drunk phone calls. I distanced myself and she died. The what if's, the shoulda, coulda, woulda's were ruthless. I still hear her voice the last ti

Being a Mom Again...

I miss writing and said last year that I would start writing more and it never happened so I gave up my other blog because it was costing me money and since I didn't use it I wasted money. So back to my old blog it is.  I am now 5 months into being a mom again and boy has it been interesting. I thought I remembered so much about Mckenna's life, but as it turns out I don't. I don't remember these early months and especially the newborn stage. I guess sleep deprivation might have something to do with that. I feel I am doing things differently this time around and on one hand that is wonderful but on the other it makes me kind of sad knowing I am parenting differently because of my life experience. Mckenna had the young naive mom who went with societal "norms". I must admit that social media has made me feel worse about how I want to parent because it feels like it's the "wrong" way. I didn't have that influence with Mckenna but still must have

12 Things I've Learned (so far) Since Becoming a Mama Again

It's been one year since becoming a mother again. A mother to a living child and what a year it's been. I never thought I would get the chance to be a mom again. I honestly thought we would be childless and look at Emerson almost daily and think, I can't believe we have a child. Emerson has been such a gift. He brings so much light into my world. I have grown and learned so much since he was born. It's been a year of a lot of growth, trial and error, figuring out what works for me as a mom and how I want to mother. Thought I would share 12 things I have learned this year with my sweet boy. In no particular order.... 1. You can plan and have all the ideas of how you want things to go but those plans don't always go the way you had hoped and you sometimes have to pivot from the plan and learn what works and that's OK.  2. No two babies are the same so no two ways work the same for one child as it did for another.  3. Society "norms" can shove it where th