Friday, January 28, 2011

What A Road It Has Been

2 years 4 months and 1 day ago my life completely changed. I entered a world that I never knew existed, a life that I wouldn't wish upon anyone even my worst enemy. On my journey I have learned a great deal about myself and I am still learning and *becoming* the Ashley that I must have chosen to be. In the beginning of this grief journey I never, ever thought I would be where I am at today. When I would lay on my bedroom floor curled up in a ball sobbing asking for my daughter back, asking why, saying I can't do this anymore not wanting to take another breath, I couldn't see past my pain. I couldn't see past that hour or min let alone think years down the road. But as I sit here today and I look back on how far I have come I am in amazement. I am still breathing, I am still here, I have survived these past 2 years 4 months and 1 day without the love of my life. The roads are not easy, they go up and down, they have unexpected curves, they have huge mountains and sometimes just small hills, they have rocks and boulders, stickers and heat but even in those roughest roads there are roads that have flowers, rainbows, sunsets, sunrises, the smell of rain, singing birds. There is beauty that I couldn't see before because my grief was overwhelming me. I still live with it everyday and I STILL and ALWAYS will miss her and have days that I can't get past the pain but they come further apart and don't last as long as they use to. I see that Mckenna's life still has a purpose and she is living through me. I can hear her in my head whispering "Mommy I'm here" to remind me that I am doing what I am meant to do. More people know about my amazing, wonderful, beautiful little girl who not only changed my life, but changed so many other people's lives. I will continue to honor Mckenna and I will continue to work towards my goal because I want my daughter to be proud of me. She deserves to be remembered and until the day that I take my last breath and I am reunited with her I will continue to have her live through me.

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