Saturday, October 26, 2013

Houston Bound....Fingers Crossed Anyway

Not even really sure where to begin on explaining this new adventure I am going to be embarking on (fingers crossed anyway). After the summer I had I had to dig deep and figure out how I was going to “pull up my boot straps” as my mom would say. How I was going to not let the magnitude of so many overwhelming, scary, sad, terrible things that happen devour my existence. Well when I put it out there that I day dream of attending the University of Houston for my masters in social work, I got a response that I wasn't expecting. I guess that was my push to really research and figure out how to pull it off.

 Would I really be able to attend a college out of state???

Could I really move to a city on my own not knowing anyone???

Can I really do this???

Well I have not felt so drawn to something like this is a long time. That overwhelming force of, “that is where you are meant to go” feeling I get when I push and challenge myself. I figure if I can work in the same hospital that my daughter died, I can challenge myself with achieving this goal I have set out for myself. I have been in the process of getting everything I need to apply to the college and to the social work program. It brings such excitement inside me when I think of this adventure, a fresh start, a new place, a change of scenery and new beginning. The past few years I have experienced such loss, such heartache, such tragedy that I feel that I need out for a little bit. I need this to bring life back into my soul like it has not been in a very long time. I will be pushed out of my comfort zone so much that I will be forced to be vulnerable to make new friends, and put myself out there in order to get my degree and do what my heart tells me I am meant to be doing. If my goal works out I will be moving at the beginning of Aug of next year. I have a trip planned in January with a good friend who will ask questions that I may not think of and be my travel partner to be tourists in the city I may call home next year…..

This is a once in a life time opportunity to be brave and go after what I want and become the person I envision and know I can be. Nothing is holding me here. I will miss my family and friends, but that just means people will have to come visit me. I need this and I want this and I am bound and determined to make it happen.  I have some great supportive people in my life who believe in me and are excited with me. I am also blessed with a daughter and mother who I feel guide me everyday. The love I have for them and the love they have for me is indescribable.

What is this life for if I don't at least try? How can I not try? What do I have to lose?.......  

Houston here I come…..(fingers crossed anyway) J

Friday, October 4, 2013

Grief Isn't Easy.....

Hi my name is Ashley and I am a mother, daughter, sister, niece, cousin, aunt and friend. I am sensitive and get my feelings hurt easily. I am respectful of my elders and to people in general. I am a loyal and honest friend who would drop what I am doing to come help you. I am broken hearted and sad most of the time. I day dream about the future, but question if I will live long enough to experience it. I sometimes don’t feel worthy of love. I often wonder who would love me and why would they love me. I question where I belong in this world. I have friends, but each of us are in different places in our lives that it’s hard to know where I fit into their lives, and theirs into mine.

 I’m a bereaved mom. I try very hard to live this life and become someone and make a life for myself that doesn’t always reflect the fact that I have a dead daughter. I am discovering that, that is impossible. I have a dead daughter and that isn’t going to change. She is my life and how can I have a life that doesn’t reflect her beautiful soul?

I am a motherless and fatherless daughter. Each death was very different and each one knocked the breath out of me. I have tried my best to move forward since my mother’s death, but I am finding it hard to do. I am sad more often than not, and I often get frustrated and judge my own grief because I think, it’s not supposed to hurt this much, I’ve lost a child why does this hurt so much? Though I feel as if I can’t express that. I’ve lost a child and that grief is like no other so how can I express just how much my mother’s death hurts my heart?

I am not the person I once was. Death has changed me and the death of my mother has changed me into a person I’m not sure I recognize.

I am more like my mother, the mother I tried so desperately to not be like. I did not want to be like her, but here I am seeing in me, her.

I am finding my way in this life and I am sad more often than not but I am doing the best I can. Accept me for who I am, all of me or don’t. I miss my mom, I miss my daughter, and I miss me.