Thursday, June 16, 2016

We Can Imagine....Love to Lane Graves and His Family




Lane Graves, 2 years old killed by an alligator in what is supposed to be happiest places on earth. I can't seem to get him or his parents off my mind.

Not too long ago I was having a conversation with a couple bereaved mom friends. We were talking about what it means to say to someone, "I can't imagine". One of these beautiful friends Karla Helbert said that she no longer says those words to anyone after an interaction with a bereaved parent or someone who went through a traumatic experience. Because in reality, we CAN imagine what it would be like to be in their shoes. We CAN imagine what it must have felt like for that father to run in the water desperately trying to save his son, we CAN imagine the parent leaving home not knowing their child ran after them accidently running them over, we can imagine what it must feel like for the parents who discover they did not drop their child off at daycare accidently leaving them in the car, we CAN imagine the mother holding their lifeless child after pulling them out from under a television they just moved, we CAN imagine feeling the responsibility, the shame, the guilt of their actions, their decisions, their mistakes that caused the death of their child. But most are unable to sit with these images because it's too much to sit with, imagine or process.

An article was published acknowledging that no matter what "mistakes" this family may have made, they need to be treated with compassion, love and respect. That no matter what happened leading up to these heart wrenching events, they lost their precious son. Accidents happen, mistakes are made and we can't always be the perfect parent. We are human who make mistakes and some parents have to live with these awful mistakes that may have caused the death of their own child.

I have been in their shoes, totally different circumstances, but in the end I made a mistake one day that cost me my daughters life. They did not wake up that morning in fear that their son was going to be dead by the end of the evening. They did not wake up that morning with the intention of putting their son in danger. They did not wake up that morning thinking their son was going to be killed by an alligator. I sure as hell did not wake up the morning Mckenna died thinking I would be holding her as her heart stopped beating because I made the mistake of moving a television and accidently dropping on her.

People are cruel, mean, condeming, blaming, judging and yet if it were them they would feel the same guilt, shame and grief this poor family is feeling and will feel for the rest of their life. We CAN imagine what it would be like to lose your child this way, we CAN imagine the panic as you try and save your child, we CAN imagine helplessly standing by as people search for the body of your child. We CAN imagine and we SHOULD imagine because allowing yourself to imagine this horror, you feel more compassion and love for those who actually went through it. You would hope that if you were in their shoes, others would treat you the way you would want to be treated, with compassion, love and respect.

These poor parents are already going through hell, no reason to add to their shame and guilt. Remind others to sit with what it would be like to go through what they are going through and remind them that no one is perfect, we are all human.

Lane Graves, his parents and family are in my heart. From one bereaved parent to another, my heart is with you.