Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Wow, Has It Really Been 3 years........

3 years ago today I held my beautiful daughter while her heart stopped beating,

3 years ago today I held her, kissed her and touched her for the very last time,

 3 years ago today I walked out of the hospital empty handed leaving a part of me with her.

 Nothing I have ever experienced in my life will ever be as painful as it has been losing Mckenna and learning to live life without her. My whole life changed and not in just the obvious ways, my mind changed, my thinking changed, I physically and emotionally change. I  touched places within myself I never knew existed. I am still amazed at the fact that I am still standing 3 years later. NEVER did I imagine I would be where I am today. I remember lying on my floor sobbing, clinging to her pajamas just trying to get through the seconds not even being able to look past the minute. In the past 3 years I have grown in ways I never thought possible. I have learned to laugh and have joy again. I have learned that this is a part of my life forever and that I have to make the decision to continue to move forward. I have learned that there are others like me and I now have a new family. Though it is not the family I would like to be a part of, it is the family I am glad I have.

 I MISS Mckenna every single day. Some days it takes my breath away, other days she brings a smile to my face, days can be different from one day to the next. I was so very blessed to have 9 amazingly beautiful months with Mckenna Jodell but I am quickly reminded that I have lived 3 years without her.  That is 36 months, or 1095 days. Yes I am very, very thankful for the time I had, but it hurts to know all that I have missed out on raising her, and watching her grow. I see all my friends babies that were born shortly after Mckenna reach their milestones I am reminded, when I see pictures posted of their children I am reminded. I am reminded of the years I have lost and the years I will never see.

Mckenna has taught me more in the her short 9 months and in the long 3 years she hasn’t been here than I learned in my 27 years on this earth. People know her from other countries, people talk about her to friends and family to help them see the importance of television safety, they see a ladybug and she comes to mind. She has touched so many lives around the world and it is my goal in life to make sure she lives on through me. Mckenna will never be forgotten and as her mother I will make sure she lives on.

Mckenna Jodell mommy loves and MISSes you every day. I love you very much my sweet girl. XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX never enough hugs and kisses.