Saturday, June 16, 2012

Why The MISS Foundation?? Because They Saved me......

I am sure there are people in my life that wonder why I "still" continue to be a part of The MISS Foundation. Why I would continue to "still" dedicate my time to them. Well let me explain why it is so very important to me. I started going to The MISS Foundation support group in March of 2010. I knew about MISS from the beginning but thought it was for different kinds of baby loss, so never got involved. I had some support in the beginning after losing Mckenna, but not many that I felt truly safe with. My life had fallen apart and there was one person that I could trust to see me cry, express my thoughts and hold me while I sobbed on the floor. My support kind of dwindled in time and because of circumstances my safe person could no longer provide me with support, so in many ways I was trying to "deal" with it on my own. After some time of doing this I was in a very, very dark place. Having flashbacks, panic attacks, dark thoughts, horrible visions, which I now know was PTSD. I was not in a good place and wanted to die. I noticed I was really not in a good place and decided it was time to reach out. I went to my first MISS support group meeting and I was terrifed. I went alone and wanted to run away, I was jumping out of my skin with fear. It was finally my turn to tell my story. I was shaking and tears were at the surface as I started to speak. I tried to put on a front that I really didn't need to be there and that I was fine, when I was far from fine. I was staring at the feet of the facilitator seeing everything right in front of me as I spoke. I had tears slowly falling down my face as I told them a little part of my story. Told them about my beautiful baby girl. I couldn't fogive myself for what happened (if I am being honest never really have). I was welcomed and they all hugged me thanking me for coming, though they wished I didn't need them. They were right, I needed them in a serious way though I wish I didn't need them too. I continued to go to group month after month. In time started to make dessert, which started to be called Ashley dessert and was expected :-). I started to make Kenna Cards for the couselors to give to parents. The MISS Foundation  saved my life and I would not know what I would do without them.

I have met some of the most beautiful, amazing, generous, loving, caring people I have ever met in my entire life. I am so connected to so many of the MISS parents and families that they aren't just friends, they are my MISS family. The MISS Foundation provides me with a place I can go to honor Mckenna, be a mom, laugh, cry, help others, a safe place to go. Many might not understand, but that's ok becuase I don't want anyone to understand. I don't want anyone to have to find a safe place to honor their dead child/children. Have you ever sat with a broken hearted mother or father, listening to their story? I have and I have to say they are some of the most courageous people I know. The MISS Foundation is like no other organization I know. They introduce you to positive ways to heal, to love and honor your child. Doing Random Acts of Kindness (RAOK), walks, MISS events. All so support groups can be held each and every week, so free services can be offered, so they don't have to walk alone on this journey. It can not be done with out support from family and friends and most importantly MISS family. I am not sure if I would be here today if not for The MISS Foundation and all they provided me.

Thank you everyone at MISS who has walked with me down this intense, overwhelming, crazy, scary, journey. Thank you for allowing me share my daughter and for you to grow to love her  and think of her with every ladybug you see. You are stuck with me for many years to come. Love you all.

Monday, June 11, 2012

Lonliness, Becoming and Grief

Lonliness can be a powerful emotion. There are days that I am ok being alone, being by myself, able to sit with myself in my empty apt. Other days I struggle to make sense of how I got to this place of lonliness. There are two types of lonliness I am facing. There are days I am working and all I hear are other employees talk about their kids. My kid did this, my kid did that, their pregnancies, their life with their children. I am no different than them because I too have stories, and memories but the difference between them and me is that they get to go home to their children. I come home to an empty apt. The empty apt that should be filled with Mckenna's presence, her voice, her arms around me, her hello mommy, her kisses, her smell. This feeling is almost unbearable sometimes. The pit in my stomach, the ache in my chest, the emptiness in my heart. There are days I wish so hard for her to be there when I get home, that I think sometimes it will come true. There are days I day dream of that moment and try to imagine and remember what it was like to come home to my beautiful baby girl. Then I am hit with the reality and at times it can take my breath away. It is a learning process that I wish I didn't have to learn, but since I do I am learning that it is ok for it to take my breath away. If it didn't something would be wrong with me.

Then there is the lonliness of not having a companion. It isn't as intense of a feeling but it does sting every now and then. It is not easy for me to put myself out there. This is something I am working on and trying to work through why it is. My ex husband is a huge part of this. My marriage had some great moments and wonderful times shared, but it also cause a lot of damage and pain. Looking back there are so many things that I would change, but since I can't I am working on never letting those mistakes happen again. Yes there are days it would be great to have someone to come home to, to go to dinner with, go to a movie, just hang out at home, laugh with, cry with, just be with. I have told myself I am ok if it never happens again, but I think that is my way of not allowing myself to get close to someone. It is all a process and one of these days I just might meet someone who will love me for ALL of me and want to know me inside and out. Until that day comes I am just going to continue to work on me and be a better person, just in case that person does come.

I have learned so much about myself in this past year of being alone, living on my own, supporting myself, going to school, and working through grief. Some people call me amazing. I am not comfortable calling myself amazing because I don't feel amazing. I am doing what I feel I need to do to BECOME the person I am meant to be. I want to feel that pure happiness deep in my soul, because I have felt the deepest pain in my soul. I want to laugh more, smile more and be that person someone would be proud to call their girlfriend or if it happens wife and just maybe Mom again. Lonliness is teaching me to be patient with myself. Someone I love very much has taught me that I am enough, what I get from friends/family is enough, and what I don't get is enough. I hear 2,4,6,8 from her and I am reminded that I am ok and everything will be ok. I won't be lonley forever because at one point I will feel that I am truly enough and that will be enough.