Monday, June 11, 2012

Lonliness, Becoming and Grief



Lonliness can be a powerful emotion. There are days that I am ok being alone, being by myself, able to sit with myself in my empty apt. Other days I struggle to make sense of how I got to this place of lonliness. There are two types of lonliness I am facing. There are days I am working and all I hear are other employees talk about their kids. My kid did this, my kid did that, their pregnancies, their life with their children. I am no different than them because I too have stories, and memories but the difference between them and me is that they get to go home to their children. I come home to an empty apt. The empty apt that should be filled with Mckenna's presence, her voice, her arms around me, her hello mommy, her kisses, her smell. This feeling is almost unbearable sometimes. The pit in my stomach, the ache in my chest, the emptiness in my heart. There are days I wish so hard for her to be there when I get home, that I think sometimes it will come true. There are days I day dream of that moment and try to imagine and remember what it was like to come home to my beautiful baby girl. Then I am hit with the reality and at times it can take my breath away. It is a learning process that I wish I didn't have to learn, but since I do I am learning that it is ok for it to take my breath away. If it didn't something would be wrong with me.

Then there is the lonliness of not having a companion. It isn't as intense of a feeling but it does sting every now and then. It is not easy for me to put myself out there. This is something I am working on and trying to work through why it is. My ex husband is a huge part of this. My marriage had some great moments and wonderful times shared, but it also cause a lot of damage and pain. Looking back there are so many things that I would change, but since I can't I am working on never letting those mistakes happen again. Yes there are days it would be great to have someone to come home to, to go to dinner with, go to a movie, just hang out at home, laugh with, cry with, just be with. I have told myself I am ok if it never happens again, but I think that is my way of not allowing myself to get close to someone. It is all a process and one of these days I just might meet someone who will love me for ALL of me and want to know me inside and out. Until that day comes I am just going to continue to work on me and be a better person, just in case that person does come.

I have learned so much about myself in this past year of being alone, living on my own, supporting myself, going to school, and working through grief. Some people call me amazing. I am not comfortable calling myself amazing because I don't feel amazing. I am doing what I feel I need to do to BECOME the person I am meant to be. I want to feel that pure happiness deep in my soul, because I have felt the deepest pain in my soul. I want to laugh more, smile more and be that person someone would be proud to call their girlfriend or if it happens wife and just maybe Mom again. Lonliness is teaching me to be patient with myself. Someone I love very much has taught me that I am enough, what I get from friends/family is enough, and what I don't get is enough. I hear 2,4,6,8 from her and I am reminded that I am ok and everything will be ok. I won't be lonley forever because at one point I will feel that I am truly enough and that will be enough.

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