I am sure there are people in my life that wonder why I "still" continue to be a part of The MISS Foundation. Why I would continue to "still" dedicate my time to them. Well let me explain why it is so very important to me. I started going to The MISS Foundation support group in March of 2010. I knew about MISS from the beginning but thought it was for different kinds of baby loss, so never got involved. I had some support in the beginning after losing Mckenna, but not many that I felt truly safe with. My life had fallen apart and there was one person that I could trust to see me cry, express my thoughts and hold me while I sobbed on the floor. My support kind of dwindled in time and because of circumstances my safe person could no longer provide me with support, so in many ways I was trying to "deal" with it on my own. After some time of doing this I was in a very, very dark place. Having flashbacks, panic attacks, dark thoughts, horrible visions, which I now know was PTSD. I was not in a good place and wanted to die. I noticed I was really not in a good place and decided it was time to reach out. I went to my first MISS support group meeting and I was terrifed. I went alone and wanted to run away, I was jumping out of my skin with fear. It was finally my turn to tell my story. I was shaking and tears were at the surface as I started to speak. I tried to put on a front that I really didn't need to be there and that I was fine, when I was far from fine. I was staring at the feet of the facilitator seeing everything right in front of me as I spoke. I had tears slowly falling down my face as I told them a little part of my story. Told them about my beautiful baby girl. I couldn't fogive myself for what happened (if I am being honest never really have). I was welcomed and they all hugged me thanking me for coming, though they wished I didn't need them. They were right, I needed them in a serious way though I wish I didn't need them too. I continued to go to group month after month. In time started to make dessert, which started to be called Ashley dessert and was expected :-). I started to make Kenna Cards for the couselors to give to parents. The MISS Foundation saved my life and I would not know what I would do without them.
I have met some of the most beautiful, amazing, generous, loving, caring people I have ever met in my entire life. I am so connected to so many of the MISS parents and families that they aren't just friends, they are my MISS family. The MISS Foundation provides me with a place I can go to honor Mckenna, be a mom, laugh, cry, help others, a safe place to go. Many might not understand, but that's ok becuase I don't want anyone to understand. I don't want anyone to have to find a safe place to honor their dead child/children. Have you ever sat with a broken hearted mother or father, listening to their story? I have and I have to say they are some of the most courageous people I know. The MISS Foundation is like no other organization I know. They introduce you to positive ways to heal, to love and honor your child. Doing Random Acts of Kindness (RAOK), walks, MISS events. All so support groups can be held each and every week, so free services can be offered, so they don't have to walk alone on this journey. It can not be done with out support from family and friends and most importantly MISS family. I am not sure if I would be here today if not for The MISS Foundation and all they provided me.
Thank you everyone at MISS who has walked with me down this intense, overwhelming, crazy, scary, journey. Thank you for allowing me share my daughter and for you to grow to love her and think of her with every ladybug you see. You are stuck with me for many years to come. Love you all.
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