10 years ago today, I experienced the second worst day of my life. I found my mother dead in her bed. Even 10 years later, when I say those words it takes my breath away. I know it's not a very delicate way to say it but it's the truth. I don't relive every detail like I did for many years. For years, following her death, I couldn't get those images out of my head. Every detail from the moment I unlocked the door, to the funeral home taking her away. Each moment played out often. What an absolutely awful day it was.
The days leading up to her death also haunted me. I always felt I didn't do enough. She died sad and alone in an apt that was horrible. I had reached a point in her alcoholism of distancing myself. I couldn't handle the heartache and the broken promises and the constantly finding her drunk and the drunk phone calls. I distanced myself and she died. The what if's, the shoulda, coulda, woulda's were ruthless. I still hear her voice the last time I saw her alive. "Ashley, will you just hug me, please just hug me." I hugged her and walked away knowing something was wrong but excusing it as she's drunk. I remember seeing how she was laying on the bed in a weird position. A position she had never laid in before. I stood there staring at her confused because she looked different. Even in her drunken state that I was familiar with was different. A few days later, I again stood in the same spot staring at her in the dark, however that time she was not alive. My brain could not compute why she wasn't waking up because she was a light sleeper. Did I think she had died, no. I see it all in slow mode as I moved my eyes up her body and my trauma brain took over knowing something wasn't right. I don't wish finding a loved one dead on anyone.
As I write this, I am brought back to those moments and feelings and it still breaks my heart. My mom deserved so much more than to die in a shitty apt, alone, sad and lonely. I know now that I really couldn't save her. She had to do that on her own but I still feel that I could have had more compassion for her while she was alive. The compassion that I now have because I see beyond the alcoholism. I see the human that she was. I have often said that I would have given anything to just have her back. I would take the alcoholic back but in reality having a parent or loved who is an addict is one of the most challenging and relentless relationships. Day in and day out you worry, have intrusive thoughts of them dying, feeling guilty for not doing something for them out of fear they will die. Them making you feel like a horrible person for not doing something for them or giving money or paying a bill. I could never walk away completely. I feel deep down I always saw the person she was under all the pain. The human she wanted to be and fought to be but just couldn't get past the negative voice in her head telling her the opposite of who she was. Couldn't get past the people who had harmed her in ways that no one should be harmed. I wish I could sit down with her today and get to know her. Hear her story. She was Mitzi before she was mom. She had hopes and dreams. Hear about her marriage with my dad. Her pregnancies and what it was like to bring us into the world. Did she have the same thoughts and worries about being a new mom as parents these days. What was the newborn stage like for her. I guess I want to more now about her being a new mom since I am a new mom again. But also learn more about the years before children. What made her who she was in her beginning years. Not just the trauma but the joy too.
I feel maybe I still hold onto more responsibility of her life and death than I should but it doesn't consume me like it once did. I can think of these memories and I am not taken down into the dark place I used to go. I honor her and remember her today. The day that change me as a human, again. She is a big reason I am who I am. Her life and her death shaped me. While I wish it wasn't a part of my story, it is and I have learned to carry it in a way that I never thought I could 10 years ago.
Mom, you have missed out on so much these past 10 years. The sober mom is who I miss and wish I had around. I wish Emerson had his Nona around. He does not have grandparents on my side and that makes me sad. I miss you and your laugh. The way I could make you laugh brings a smile to my face. Your heart was big and you had a deep love for people. You were artistic and had such a talent for multiple different things. You were thoughtful and wanted to help others. You were smart, fun, compassionate, loving, funny. Your story was cut short by a disease that robbed you of joy and all that life had to offer. I see you, it's a little too late but I see you. I love you mom, more than even I ever knew. Our connection was deep. You were a good mom who had flaws. Thank you for loving me the best way you knew how. Never questioned your love for me.
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