Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Death and Love







Death either brings families closer together or drives them apart. On April 25th my family was brought together because of the sudden death of my brother Pete. I have never received a phone call like I did that day. That call threw me through a loop and caused me to reach within myself and to allow myself to feel, cry and grieve with my family. We made arrangements, saw him one last time and said our final good bye at his memorial all together as a family should. I sat with my family as we cried, laughed, and remembered my brother. It was a tragically beautiful thing because Peter was too young to die, though we came together as a family.

 Since Mckenna’s death, and prior to that my family was breaking and growing further and further apart. It felt broken and distant. I felt I was the black sheep of the family, they didn't understand me and my pain, my grief and my suffering. In a lot of ways they still don’t but in a lot of ways I never gave them the chance to witness it. I felt judged and disconnected to the family I so love and longed for. Because of my pain I have missed out on so many memories and moments that I cannot get back. Being a bereaved mom I know just how short life can be, and I came face to face with this reality yet again. I can no longer allow the pain to devour my existence and for it to take away from me more time with those I love. This might not make sense to some, and it has me confused but I am willing to sit with it and see where it takes me.

With that being said, Mckenna will NEVER EVER be FORGOTTEN!!!! Mckenna is STILL my life, my world, my EVERYTHING; but my EVERYTHING includes my joy, my happiness and without that Mckenna will not be able to see and feel the beauty that I feel and see here. Everything I do is for her and Pete’s death has shaken me to the core and has made me realize that I truly can balance both worlds and sometimes feel them all the same time, in the same day, hours or minutes and that is ok. I will allow the sad missing days to come, I will allow the good beautiful days come and (try) to be ok with either or both. I guess this is my grief making yet another transition. This does not mean I love her or miss her any less, it just means I am able to allow joy and happiness to come into my life without judging either (practicing no judgment ). Practicing to embrace the joy with the pain and the pain with the joy and know that it is the love I have for Mckenna that I can live with both.

 I need my family and they need me. I hate that such a tragic death is what brought us so close together, but like I said it can either pull a family apart or bring them closer together and I for one am grateful that we have grown closer.

Peter,
 If you only knew how much you were truly loved. I hope you feel it and see it now. Please give Mckenna lots of hugs and kisses for me. Until we see each other again, I love you and will miss you very much.
Love your little sis,
Ash