Skip to main content

Death and Love







Death either brings families closer together or drives them apart. On April 25th my family was brought together because of the sudden death of my brother Pete. I have never received a phone call like I did that day. That call threw me through a loop and caused me to reach within myself and to allow myself to feel, cry and grieve with my family. We made arrangements, saw him one last time and said our final good bye at his memorial all together as a family should. I sat with my family as we cried, laughed, and remembered my brother. It was a tragically beautiful thing because Peter was too young to die, though we came together as a family.

 Since Mckenna’s death, and prior to that my family was breaking and growing further and further apart. It felt broken and distant. I felt I was the black sheep of the family, they didn't understand me and my pain, my grief and my suffering. In a lot of ways they still don’t but in a lot of ways I never gave them the chance to witness it. I felt judged and disconnected to the family I so love and longed for. Because of my pain I have missed out on so many memories and moments that I cannot get back. Being a bereaved mom I know just how short life can be, and I came face to face with this reality yet again. I can no longer allow the pain to devour my existence and for it to take away from me more time with those I love. This might not make sense to some, and it has me confused but I am willing to sit with it and see where it takes me.

With that being said, Mckenna will NEVER EVER be FORGOTTEN!!!! Mckenna is STILL my life, my world, my EVERYTHING; but my EVERYTHING includes my joy, my happiness and without that Mckenna will not be able to see and feel the beauty that I feel and see here. Everything I do is for her and Pete’s death has shaken me to the core and has made me realize that I truly can balance both worlds and sometimes feel them all the same time, in the same day, hours or minutes and that is ok. I will allow the sad missing days to come, I will allow the good beautiful days come and (try) to be ok with either or both. I guess this is my grief making yet another transition. This does not mean I love her or miss her any less, it just means I am able to allow joy and happiness to come into my life without judging either (practicing no judgment ). Practicing to embrace the joy with the pain and the pain with the joy and know that it is the love I have for Mckenna that I can live with both.

 I need my family and they need me. I hate that such a tragic death is what brought us so close together, but like I said it can either pull a family apart or bring them closer together and I for one am grateful that we have grown closer.

Peter,
 If you only knew how much you were truly loved. I hope you feel it and see it now. Please give Mckenna lots of hugs and kisses for me. Until we see each other again, I love you and will miss you very much.
Love your little sis,
Ash 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

My treasured last week

Today I have been reflecting on the last week I had with Mckenna. It seems like I can recall every detail of the last week I had her in  my arms and thought I would share my last week.  My last day with Mckenna  Sat Sept 20th : Billy had Mckenna that weekend but left her with Tammy to come move our stuff into storage. I missed her but thankful to have someone to watch her while we moved  MOST of our stuff. Sun Sept 21st, 2008 : I worked that day and couldn't wait to get off work because I was getting Mckenna back. Billy dropped her off at my work I waited with her outside for Mare to get done because we rode together. She was happy to see her mommy. Mon Sept 22nd, 2008 : I had started this class at Pheonix college for my CCT at work so I could draw blood and put in and take out foley's. Mare couldn't watch her that day so my friend Lisa took the day off work to watch her for me. I had to wake up extra early to get ready just in case Mckenna was up earlier ...
7 comments
Read more

Closing the Book of my Childhood...

Growing up I went to my Nana and Papa's house frequently. She would keep us weeks at a time in the summers. Nana was for a grandmother but also didn't take any back talk or attitude. When I was 10 years old, I moved in with Nana and Papa. My room was downstairs, without a door and had the washer and dryer in the room. Eventually they put on saloon like doors for a little privacy. I lived there until I turned 13. Big years living with your grandparents. Vital years really, but I wouldn't have had it any other way. I always felt connected to my Nana. We were a lot a like. I still wonder what she would think of me now and how I turned out. I would help around the property, help plant cactus (and laugh hysterically together after because we were so sweaty and gross), helped feed the animals, water the trees, water the plants, ride my bike all the time. I actually played out doors every day. Sometimes I was allowed to eat ice cream for dinner when no one wanted to c...
6 comments
Read more

Fight for Your Healing

Not long ago one of my soul sister friends said to me, fight for your healing. This has been weighing heavy on my heart lately because I have not been fighting for my healing.   Those who know me very well know that I am kind of a melancholy person. I have always been this way even as a child. I guess maybe I was born this way and when you are born with a certain personality trait it is hard to be anything else. I may not be able to fully get rid of the inner melancholy but I can at least try and find things that bring me out of my shell, things that make me laugh, things that require me to step outside of my comfort zone. Sitting in my room by myself all the time is not healthy (yes I still do this).  Darkness continues to fall upon me more often than not. The older I get the harder it is to wade through the dark to find the light. I try and allow it to come and go but when it comes so frequently I become discouraged and disappointed in myself causing the cyc...
4 comments
Read more