I had written a blog for the new year but it just didn’t seem to feel right, so here is my reattempt.
2013 was a year of joy, loss, grief, sadness, sorrow, happiness, growth, empowerment, disappointment and pure love. It will go down in history as one of the most challenging years of my life. That being said the words that keep coming up are growth and living.
Looking back on my moms’ death I have come to see or have chosen to see it this way, that my mom has given me the gift of life. Yes she gave birth to me, but it runs deeper than that. My mom faced a life of many challenges that started at the tender age of 4. From that moment on the beautiful, innocent little girl grew up and was lost in a world that slowing spun out of control. My mom wanted so much out of life, she was so beautiful, loving, compassionate, giving and full of love, but with so much pain and sorrow in her heart it was hard for her to see the light. Her life was sad, and lonely, (I so wish I could go back and just hold her and tell her life is beautiful and you are worth living for, you are worth loving, you are worth so much more than you ever know). I was slowly seeing that I am just like my mom in so many ways and I did not want to be sad, and lonely for the rest of my life. I wanted to live truly LIVE.
After my moms death I was driving and I heard something that has stuck with me and has been my reminder to live life, heard, “you’re too beautiful for this world to let it devour your existence like it did mine”. My mom gave me the gift of life just by saying those words. I feel deep in my soul that my mom is at peace and she is free from pain, sorrow and heartache. I feel she is now and forever will be full of, joy, happiness and pure love. Everything she deserved to have while she was here.
Last year was a year that I graduated with my BSW, I lost my brother, I lost my mom, I failed my internship and yet through all that I found myself wanting to live life. I want to live a life that if I die I will know I lived, really lived. I am not setting expectations on 2014, but I am going to have hope. I am going to take it moment by moment and cherish this life and all it has to offer. I am going to look around me and see the beautiful things around me, be with the ones I love, and allowing myself be still and feel. Reaching a place in my life where I can be sad, happy, empowered, lonely, joyful all in the same day is what I call growth.
Here’s to the new year and to everything that may come my way……