Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Graduation, Weeping Willows and Love

I have often thought about the analogy of trees and wind. Trees need to be flexible when the winds blow or they would break and not survive the storm. Rigid, stubborn trees trying hard to go against the wind grow tired, weary and broken. Fluid and flexible trees go with the flow of the wind, bending and bouncing back after a storm. 

When I began my journey of becoming a social worker I was the stubborn rigid tree trying hard to control everything around me falling apart in the process. This became more of a challenge than allowing the wind to do what it does and go with whatever direction it goes. It was exhausting. I would come unhinged quickly, shut down and not stay with my emotions. Friends have told me that they saw it happen right before their eyes.

2 years ago I started the MSW program. I was fragile, unstable, rigid, shut down, broken and lost. I never thought the day would come for me to get my Master’s. Graduation felt like a million years away. Every class felt like it related to my life. I realized that as much as school was for me to learn how to care for others, it was also about me learning how to care for me. If I did not learn to care for myself, I was going to be no good to those I care for.

When I first began this process I was a hot broken mess. I knew it deep down but I told myself that I was fine and able to get through. I was so wrong and so glad I am able to look back and see my growth. Even just 2 years ago I was a different person than I am today. Sometimes it is hard to see but I have beautiful souls who remind me of where I was 2 years ago. I have learned that it is ok to have rough days, it is ok to cry, it is ok to not know what is triggering the emotions, why I feel the way I do. I can miss my mom just as much as I miss Mckenna, I can love big, and I can grieve big.

Recently I was with a beautiful friend having conversations about my growth and how far I have come. I told her how I feel I am now the fluid, flexible tree, just like my favorite tree, the beautiful weeping willow. I have had some major changes occur that have forced me to go with the flow of the wind and trust that my limbs won’t break as the wind blows, changing directions at any moment. I trust myself enough to go with the flow and that everything will all work itself out. 2 years ago these major changes would have sent me over the edge, grasping for anything to save me as I fell. I am now able to have a moment, regroup and process things differently. I am kinder to myself, I am less judgmental, I am more passionate, I give less shits about what others think (amazing feeling), I am able to own a mistake and apologize (though this is still a learning process and a work in progress), I am able to be with those who are hurting, I am more present for others, I am able to recognize the difference in feeling for others and feeling my own emotions, I cry for others. I walk with my head held high trusting the journey and when I fall it's ok because falling is part of the process. 

I owe so much to my growth to my living people and my dead people. My living beautiful soul people have been by my side helping me process, love me unconditionally, cheer me on, make me accountable, are patient with me, allow me to feel what I feel without judging me and never forcing me to be/do something I’m not ready for. My dead beautiful soul people have shown me the love I have to give, the love I can receive, that nothing is bigger than love not even death. They allow me to see the beauty in the world. Seeing everything more clear and breathtaking. Pain and joy coexist.

There are several people who I wish were here to see me walk that stage to receive my MSW degree. My father, my nana, my brother Peter, my mom and Mckenna. I know they are all proud, but I am dedicating this degree to my mom and most importantly my beautiful baby girl Mckenna Jodell, the driving force for this journey. Without her, I would not be who I am today. Her life and her death have forever changed me. I will continue to listen as she guides me where I am meant to be. She reminds me every day that I AM a mom and I will ALWAYS be a mom. I am proud, they are proud....I do still wish Mckenna would be my grand prize for this achievement....But since she won't be I will allow myself to envision her running up to me, hugging me tight, telling me she is proud of her mama. I dedicate this to my mom as she was the proudest mother of everything I ever did. I owe her for instilling in me to work hard, be kind, be respectful and be me. I miss her deeply and she will not be there to see me get my MSW but I know she will be looking on from where ever she is cheering louder than anyone in person. 


It is now time for me to spread my wings and fly. Start my new journey of change, love, and light. I would not be where I am today without my living and my dead. Thank you all for believing in me and loving me through this journey. 

I am a now weeping willow..."adaptability, is the willow's ability to not only survive, but thrive in some of the most challenging conditions. The willow is a prolific grower, often taking root from a  single branch that has fallen into some marshy bog.

In all, the willow reminds us to take heed of this lesson: Keep growing and reaching higher no matter where you are planted." The Celtic meaning of the willow tree.

A beautiful gift from a beautiful friend for my new journey. LOVE IT!