Thursday, December 27, 2012

I'm 5 Today.....

This year has been filled with growth beyond anything I would have ever thought possible 4 years ago. This year has given me the chance to feel, to be loved unconditionally, to trust and to become. I am not the same person I was 4 years ago, I am not even the same person I was a year ago. Mckenna’s birthday has been rough this year, but I have allowed myself to feel it and sit with it, without it taking over my existence. A couple weeks ago for the first time I think ever since I started on this grief journey I stayed in bed and cried on and off all day long. If anyone really knows me, knows that me doing this is a rather HUGE deal. A year ago I would not have even consider letting the tears come in fear of what they would bring, pain, but I got through it and the tears did not kill me and the pain did not devour me. I allowed the tears and pain to come because I have the right to grieve. As I was laying there I realized I was wiping my tears away with my dead child’s pajamas that I sleep with. This is something a mother should not have to experience, and it hurts my heart that I am a mother of a dead child. A child who should be blowing out her candles, running around with her friends and family, opening her gifts, being a little girl excited to celebrate her birthday.

I have been trying to put to words how Mckenna’s 5th birthday has made me feel this year and there really are no words to try and express the pain. The pain in my chest, the ache in my stomach and the sadness I feel at just the thought of Mckenna turning 5 years old. How bitter sweet, more bitter than sweet, it was to buy gifts for another mother’s  5 year old little girl while mine is buried in the ground. How hard it has been to plan a party that Mckenna never got to have. The heartache of never knowing what she would look like, sound like, or be like is something a mother should never have to live with. It has been hard for me to wrap my brain around the fact that Mckenna would be 5. How is that even possible?? How could she really be 5? I am sure parents of living children feel this way when their children turn 5. The difference is the parents of living children got to watch their child/children grow into that 5 year old. The parents of a child who has died only has their imagination to try and imagine what they think their 5 year old would be like, sound like, their likes, dislikes, all the things parents of living children get to experience.

This year I am going to be spending the day with one of my beautiful soul friends who loves me unconditionally and allows me to be whatever I am and does not judge. We will be doing RAOK, honoring and celebrating the day my beautiful daughter came into my life. Celebrating the day I heard her cry for the first time, held her in my arms, felt her skin on mine, held her hand, and kissed her lips. The day Mckenna brightened my world like I had never experienced before in my life. I am the person I am today because she chose me to be her mother. Yes this month has been rough, yes I have cried, yes I have been angry that she is dead, but I would not take back those moments with her to save my life. I would never take her back in order to save me from this pain, it is because I love her so very much, that I feel so very much pain.

Happy 5th  birthday my beautiful Mckenna Jodell. You still amaze me with the love you show, the people you bring into my life and the signs you send. I will never forget the day you came into my life. I will never forget the moment I saw you for the first time. I could not believe that you came from me and that you were mine. Oh how I wish you were here to celebrate your 5th birthday the way you deserve. I love you from the bottom of my soul and miss you just as much. You are loved, MISSed , and NEVER forgotten. Many will be remembering you today and always. HUGE hugs and LOTS of kisses XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX <3 <3 <3 <3 <3