15 Years....Dad I Miss You

While driving past New River I always think of my Dad. While going up north and I was thinking of my dad and realized that it will 15 years that he has been gone. That number took my breath away. Each year it seems like I have different emotions when approaching his death day. This year it seems shocking to me that he has been gone 15 years. That just seems impossible. Just saying the number hurts my heart…..How can it really be that long???

Life does seem to just go on when at the time I wished my world would have just stopped. My world was filled with sadness, hurt, anger, confusion. I was a lost 14 year old girl trying to find my way alone. At that time in my life everything was going wrong, a dead dad, an alcoholic mother, a family so far apart from each other it seemed like there was no light, only dark. Life was lonely back then. His death did not bring my family closer together, only drove us more and more apart. I would not go back to that time in my life for anything. Though I believe that I would not be who I am today without that life experience, I would not like to relive it.

I owe a lot to my dad for me helping me be the person I am today. His death, his life, who he was and the person I knew, are all factors in me, who I am. He loved his children, though had a harder time expressing or showing all the time, he loved us. I would love to have him wrap his arms around me and hug me like he did when I was a little girl. Nothing like a daddy hug.

One of my favorite memories is our very last Christmas together. He gave all of us big, giant candied apples. Mine had M&M’s on it and that was by far the best Christmas gift I ever got from him. It was a reminder that his presence was the gift, him being there to give a special gift to his children (though they don’t remember the candied applesJ). Those moments you can’t get back and once those chances are gone, they are gone forever. Thank you Dad for leaving me with that memory, I will never forget it….

Dad, 15 years ago I said goodbye to you. I hope you are proud of the women I have become and continue to be. I miss you and I love you. Love Ash.

Comments

10 Years Without You Mom....

10 years ago today, I experienced the second worst day of my life. I found my mother dead in her bed. Even 10 years later, when I say those words it takes my breath away. I know it's not a very delicate way to say it but it's the truth. I don't relive every detail like I did for many years. For years, following her death, I couldn't get those images out of my head. Every detail from the moment I unlocked the door, to the funeral home taking her away. Each moment played out often. What an absolutely awful day it was. The days leading up to her death also haunted me. I always felt I didn't do enough. She died sad and alone in an apt that was horrible. I had reached a point in her alcoholism of distancing myself. I couldn't handle the heartache and the broken promises and the constantly finding her drunk and the drunk phone calls. I distanced myself and she died. The what if's, the shoulda, coulda, woulda's were ruthless. I still hear her voice the last ti

Being a Mom Again...

I miss writing and said last year that I would start writing more and it never happened so I gave up my other blog because it was costing me money and since I didn't use it I wasted money. So back to my old blog it is. I am now 5 months into being a mom again and boy has it been interesting. I thought I remembered so much about Mckenna's life, but as it turns out I don't. I don't remember these early months and especially the newborn stage. I guess sleep deprivation might have something to do with that. I feel I am doing things differently this time around and on one hand that is wonderful but on the other it makes me kind of sad knowing I am parenting differently because of my life experience. Mckenna had the young naive mom who went with societal "norms". I must admit that social media has made me feel worse about how I want to parent because it feels like it's the "wrong" way. I didn't have that influence with Mckenna but still must have

My treasured last week

Today I have been reflecting on the last week I had with Mckenna. It seems like I can recall every detail of the last week I had her in my arms and thought I would share my last week. My last day with Mckenna Sat Sept 20th : Billy had Mckenna that weekend but left her with Tammy to come move our stuff into storage. I missed her but thankful to have someone to watch her while we moved MOST of our stuff. Sun Sept 21st, 2008 : I worked that day and couldn't wait to get off work because I was getting Mckenna back. Billy dropped her off at my work I waited with her outside for Mare to get done because we rode together. She was happy to see her mommy. Mon Sept 22nd, 2008 : I had started this class at Pheonix college for my CCT at work so I could draw blood and put in and take out foley's. Mare couldn't watch her that day so my friend Lisa took the day off work to watch her for me. I had to wake up extra early to get ready just in case Mckenna was up earlier

Ladybug Landing

Search This Blog