Skip to main content

8 Years Ago Today....




I did not know what September 27th, 2008 would bring. I was so full of emotions that day, from the moment Mckenna woke up, to the moment I went to bed without her. It's hard to believe how that can happen. How the day can turn in an instant. The drastic changes from the morning to the afternoon to the evening. I did not know that at around 9 am that I would move a TV and it would fall on my daughter. I did not know that at 2:56pm I would hold her lifeless body as she slipped away no longer the joyful, full of life little girl I woke up to that morning. I did not know that I would walk around in a daze wondering what in the hell had just happened going to bed lost and confused. My life was changed on the morning of September 27th, 2008.

8 years ago today I knew what it meant to be brought to your knees begging for your life to end because the pain was just too much to bare. In these last 8 years, I have discovered the depths of darkness I would go. I discovered who would stay by my side and who would leave. I discovered how to push the pain away and put on my mask. I discovered who I was and who I wasn't. I discovered how to feel the pain and carry it. I discovered that I will learn to navigate this life without my daughter. I will allow the dark in and embrace the light knowing and trusting that it will ebb and flow for the rest of my life. I have learned so much since that day and will continue to learn and grow until the day I die. Just wish with every part of my soul that it did not happen and I was here with my daughter.

It has been a long/short 8 years. SO much has happened since that day. I never knew I would get to the place I am today. I did not know that I would one day feel joy again. I did not know that her death would cause me to grow in ways I never thought possible. I did not know that I would become, grow and love so deeply. My daughter changed my life and dare I say, she changed me for the better.  Would I give it all up to live a life with her, of course, however, this is not possible. I will not be able to mother her on this earth. So I will embrace those who come into my life who fill me with joy and love, I will look at the little things in life and know they are a gift, I will love with every part of my soul, I will see the beauty in the pain. I will allow love into my heart even when I feel I don't deserve it. I will honor Mckenna forever and always because she is the reason I was put on this earth. 

On the morning of September 27th, 2008 I lost the love of my life. Her name is Mckenna Jodell and she will NEVER ever be forgotten, she is forever loved and always MISSed….

Comments

  1. UnknownAugust 19, 2019 at 7:59 PM

    I am so sorry for your loss. You're keeping her memory alive so well. Her story is all over fb and I hope it makes you so proud. You're a wonderful person. God bless you.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Closing the Book of my Childhood...

Growing up I went to my Nana and Papa's house frequently. She would keep us weeks at a time in the summers. Nana was for a grandmother but also didn't take any back talk or attitude. When I was 10 years old, I moved in with Nana and Papa. My room was downstairs, without a door and had the washer and dryer in the room. Eventually they put on saloon like doors for a little privacy. I lived there until I turned 13. Big years living with your grandparents. Vital years really, but I wouldn't have had it any other way. I always felt connected to my Nana. We were a lot a like. I still wonder what she would think of me now and how I turned out. I would help around the property, help plant cactus (and laugh hysterically together after because we were so sweaty and gross), helped feed the animals, water the trees, water the plants, ride my bike all the time. I actually played out doors every day. Sometimes I was allowed to eat ice cream for dinner when no one wanted to c...
6 comments
Read more

Graduation, Weeping Willows and Love

I have often thought about the analogy of trees and wind. Trees need to be flexible when the winds blow or they would break and not survive the storm. Rigid, stubborn trees trying hard to go against the wind grow tired, weary and broken. Fluid and flexible trees go with the flow of the wind, bending and bouncing back after a storm.  When I began my journey of becoming a social worker I was the stubborn rigid tree trying hard to control everything around me falling apart in the process. This became more of a challenge than allowing the wind to do what it does and go with whatever direction it goes. It was exhausting. I would come unhinged quickly, shut down and not stay with my emotions. Friends have told me that they saw it happen right before their eyes. 2 years ago I started the MSW program. I was fragile, unstable, rigid, shut down, broken and lost. I never thought the day would come for me to get my Master’s. Graduation felt like a million years away. Every class...
Post a Comment
Read more

10 Years Without You Mom....

10 years ago today, I experienced the second worst day of my life. I found my mother dead in her bed. Even 10 years later, when I say those words it takes my breath away. I know it's not a very delicate way to say it but it's the truth. I don't relive every detail like I did for many years. For years, following her death, I couldn't get those images out of my head. Every detail from the moment I unlocked the door, to the funeral home taking her away. Each moment played out often. What an absolutely awful day it was.  The days leading up to her death also haunted me. I always felt I didn't do enough. She died sad and alone in an apt that was horrible. I had reached a point in her alcoholism of distancing myself. I couldn't handle the heartache and the broken promises and the constantly finding her drunk and the drunk phone calls. I distanced myself and she died. The what if's, the shoulda, coulda, woulda's were ruthless. I still hear her voice the last ti...
Post a Comment
Read more