As I sit in my empty room eating my dinner I think of my mom.
All the days she was alone, lonely and sad. I am taken back by the images of
finding my mom lifeless in her bed on a daily bases. Many are not aware of the
circumstances of her death and out of respect of my mom and my brother I will
keep most of the details private. As many know we struggled with my mom’s
drinking and over the last several months it has been a real battle.
My mother was a beautiful soul deep down in that pain she tried so hard to rid
herself of with drinking. I always knew that person deep down and so I would
continue to fight to get that person back. All I ever wanted was for her to be
the mom I knew she could be, the mom that I knew she was. In the process of
going through her things and moving her it was brought to my attention the magnitude
of her pain, her struggles, and her demons. It breaks my heart to know just how
much my mom suffered because of the evilness of people in her life. No human
being should endure the kind of pain that was placed upon her beautiful
innocent soul.
All the what if’s, shoulda, coulda,
woulda’s that I am left with have been hard to swallow. I struggle with those last days I saw her, the
last time I spoke to her having that gut feeling that something wasn't right
and doing nothing. There is a lot that people don’t know about those last
couple months of her life and many aren't aware of the fact that she suffered a
great deal. This kills me and hindsight is always 20/20. I hold onto the fact
that the last words we spoke were, I love you. The words I will never get out
of my head, the sound of her voice and the tears I felt hanging up with her that very last time.
There are also great memories that flood my head. The times when I would wake up in the mornings even in high school
and go sit on her lap till I fully woke up. The times we would laugh so hard we
would cry telling a story. The times my nana, my mom and I would lay in bed
together and just talk and wait for papa to bring us coffee. There are good
times and I just miss my mom. I knew this day would come eventually, just did
not expect it to be so soon. Death changes people and her death has affected me
is ways I can’t describe. Life just isn't the same without my mom, and my
daughter. I am no longer the person I was and never will be.
i've been reading a lot of blogs on handling grief since my mom died 2 months ago... and your post is the one i can relate to the most, the title says it all they were my sentiments exactly... wasn't there when she died and i am full of guilt and remorse... i appreciate your post knowing i am not alone helped me endure my agony... i offer my cries to God in atonement for our sins...
ReplyDeletemay our mothers rest in peace...
I'm so very sorry to hear about the loss of your mom. It's so hard losing your mother. I don't know your circumstances but I know how painful the loss feels and also how tough it is to feel the guilt and remorse. Sending you a hug as you process and miss your beloved mother. Thank you for reading.
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