Today I have been reflecting on the last week I had with Mckenna. It seems like I can recall every detail of the last week I had her in my arms and thought I would share my last week.
Sat Sept 20th: Billy had Mckenna that weekend but left her with Tammy to come move our stuff into storage. I missed her but thankful to have someone to watch her while we moved MOST of our stuff.
Sun Sept 21st, 2008: I worked that day and couldn't wait to get off work because I was getting Mckenna back. Billy dropped her off at my work I waited with her outside for Mare to get done because we rode together. She was happy to see her mommy.
Mon Sept 22nd, 2008: I had started this class at Pheonix college for my CCT at work so I could draw blood and put in and take out foley's. Mare couldn't watch her that day so my friend Lisa took the day off work to watch her for me. I had to wake up extra early to get ready just in case Mckenna was up earlier than usual. Mckenna was a morning baby so she usually started to stir as I was finishing getting her stuff ready for Lisa. I got her up changed her diaper and fed her, her oatmeal and fruit baby food. So I met Lisa at the safeway parking lot and when I put Mckenna in her car she gave me this face like mom seriously why are you leaving me with this strange person. I hooked her up in the backseat gave her kisses and shut the door. Not giving her enough time for her to cry or for me to cry because I was missing her so much going to school and working. All day long I called Lisa to check on Mckenna just to make sure she was ok and seeing if I was missing anything. After class I had to go to urgent care because I wasn't feeling good and Lisa met me there and brought her back to the room I was in and Mckenn's face lite up and arms stretched out for me the min she saw me. I still had my badge on from school and she just played with it and was just happy to be in my arms but I could tell she was getting sleepy. We got home I fed her dinner, gave her a quick bath, read her a story, gave her a bottle and put her to bed.
Tues Sept 23rd, 2008: Another day of school but this time Mare could watch her so I still got up early enough just in case she woke up before I left for school. I got ready and she still wasn't up which made me disappointed because I wanted to spend time with her before I left. As time went on I thought she would never wake up, but sure enough she did and that made me soooo happy. I got her up changed her diaper and put her in her high chair and started to feed her. I didn't want to leave but Mare pointed out to me that it was time for me to go so Mare finished feeding her, I gave her kisses and left for school. Again I called many times to check on her and she was having fun with Mare and took a really long nap. I drove that day to school so I had the other girls with me and we had to meet Mare because she had an appt so we met her at Burger King for her to give me Mckenna. She must have been tired because when the girls in the back seat looked at her or talked to her she started crying :-( I dropped them off and started to drive away and Mckenna went into hysterics I stopped and took her out of her carseat to try and calm her, I eventually had to put her back while she was crying because I knew she was tired. She cried almost all the way home. Got her home fed her dinner, gave her a bath, read her a story, fed her a bottle and laid her down.
Wed Sept 24rd, 2008: I was so looking forward to this day because I was FINALLY gonna get to spend time with her. We just had a lazy day and hung out at the house all day. She played with her toys and we spent time together playing. One thing she was liking to do is go over to the doggie door in which she could crawl through because it was huge and she would get close to it turn and sit on her butt and look over at me with this smile because she knew she wasn't supposed to be over there. I would go over to her and she would just lift up her arms for me to pick her up. I was a good quiet day filled with the everyday life stuff that I loved to do.
Thurs Sept 25th, 2008: This is the VERY las day I had with her. It started out like a usual day I slept till she started to wake up which was usually around 6 6:30 as she started to wake up I would get up and make her, her breakfast and get things ready for her to eat. I would go get her from her crib and her face would light up when she saw me. I would go change her and then feed her. When she was done we would play for a little while till she got sleep and went down for her morning nap. On this day she slept a really long time I want to say like 2 or 3 hours. I got ready while she was sleeping and waited and waited for her to get up. I was ready for her to get up because I needed to go to the store. She finally got up and I got her dressed and we were out the door. I know we went to Target because I bought her baby food and clothes. I bought her a pair of PJ's that were pink and said all kinds of i love mommy and daddy sayings (that I sleep with every night). We went home and just hung out and played and I took pictures of her. Just had a very everyday afternoon but an afternoon I cherish. She was cranky so fed her her dinner, I gave her a bath and we played a little more and read her a story I gave her a bottle and for the first time in a long time she fell asleep on me. I just let her sleep on me and I remember looking at her thinking about how big she had gotten. I put her to bed and when Mare got home from work I told her " Mckenna fell asleep on me tonight, I need to cherish these moments because they won't last forever" never thinking that would be the last time she ever fell asleep in my arms.
Fri Sept 26th, 2008: I had to work this day and it was Billy's weekend to have her and Tammy was off this day and she watched her on Fridays. I got up super early because I had to meet Tammy at westgate from Wittmann. I was done getting ready around 5:20 and Mckenna was already starting to wake up. Mare got her out of her crib and brought her out to the kitchen and Mckenna's eyes had to adjust to the light so she had this face of confusion. I didn't feed her because didn't have enough time so I changed her diaper and put her in her carseat and said bye to Mare and we were off to meet Tammy. I was there before Tammy so I went in the back seat and took her out and we just sat there playing and cuddling. Tammy finally got there and we talked for a bit then I put Mckenna in her carseat and put her in Tammy's car gave her kisses and told her I loved her. After work I went over to Tammy's to hang out with Billy and them. Mckenna was asleep when I got there I stayed the night at Tammy's.
Sat Sept 27th, 2008: Mckenna woke up around 6-6:30 and Tammy brought her to me. She was confused not sure what was going on but when she saw me she was all smiles. I went to change her diaper thinking it was just a pee diaper and soon realized it wasn't. I had her by her head and feet holding her in front of me asking Tammy where her wipes were. It was a funny sight to see. She didn't want to leave my side every time I would put her down she would cry and cry. I asked everyone to watch her but they couldn't and I couldn't stand to hear her cry and be so upset so I made the decision to take her with me and that decision has changed my life forever. Never in a million years did I think that 8 hours later I would be saying goodbye forever.
I am sorry this is so long but I wanted to recall that last week with my baby girl. The little girl that changed my life forever, the little girl that will always be a part of me and the little girl that took a piece of me with her.
Missing you more each day pumpkin pie. I love you forever and always. XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
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| My last day with Mckenna |
Sat Sept 20th: Billy had Mckenna that weekend but left her with Tammy to come move our stuff into storage. I missed her but thankful to have someone to watch her while we moved MOST of our stuff.
Sun Sept 21st, 2008: I worked that day and couldn't wait to get off work because I was getting Mckenna back. Billy dropped her off at my work I waited with her outside for Mare to get done because we rode together. She was happy to see her mommy.
Mon Sept 22nd, 2008: I had started this class at Pheonix college for my CCT at work so I could draw blood and put in and take out foley's. Mare couldn't watch her that day so my friend Lisa took the day off work to watch her for me. I had to wake up extra early to get ready just in case Mckenna was up earlier than usual. Mckenna was a morning baby so she usually started to stir as I was finishing getting her stuff ready for Lisa. I got her up changed her diaper and fed her, her oatmeal and fruit baby food. So I met Lisa at the safeway parking lot and when I put Mckenna in her car she gave me this face like mom seriously why are you leaving me with this strange person. I hooked her up in the backseat gave her kisses and shut the door. Not giving her enough time for her to cry or for me to cry because I was missing her so much going to school and working. All day long I called Lisa to check on Mckenna just to make sure she was ok and seeing if I was missing anything. After class I had to go to urgent care because I wasn't feeling good and Lisa met me there and brought her back to the room I was in and Mckenn's face lite up and arms stretched out for me the min she saw me. I still had my badge on from school and she just played with it and was just happy to be in my arms but I could tell she was getting sleepy. We got home I fed her dinner, gave her a quick bath, read her a story, gave her a bottle and put her to bed.
Tues Sept 23rd, 2008: Another day of school but this time Mare could watch her so I still got up early enough just in case she woke up before I left for school. I got ready and she still wasn't up which made me disappointed because I wanted to spend time with her before I left. As time went on I thought she would never wake up, but sure enough she did and that made me soooo happy. I got her up changed her diaper and put her in her high chair and started to feed her. I didn't want to leave but Mare pointed out to me that it was time for me to go so Mare finished feeding her, I gave her kisses and left for school. Again I called many times to check on her and she was having fun with Mare and took a really long nap. I drove that day to school so I had the other girls with me and we had to meet Mare because she had an appt so we met her at Burger King for her to give me Mckenna. She must have been tired because when the girls in the back seat looked at her or talked to her she started crying :-( I dropped them off and started to drive away and Mckenna went into hysterics I stopped and took her out of her carseat to try and calm her, I eventually had to put her back while she was crying because I knew she was tired. She cried almost all the way home. Got her home fed her dinner, gave her a bath, read her a story, fed her a bottle and laid her down.
Wed Sept 24rd, 2008: I was so looking forward to this day because I was FINALLY gonna get to spend time with her. We just had a lazy day and hung out at the house all day. She played with her toys and we spent time together playing. One thing she was liking to do is go over to the doggie door in which she could crawl through because it was huge and she would get close to it turn and sit on her butt and look over at me with this smile because she knew she wasn't supposed to be over there. I would go over to her and she would just lift up her arms for me to pick her up. I was a good quiet day filled with the everyday life stuff that I loved to do.
Thurs Sept 25th, 2008: This is the VERY las day I had with her. It started out like a usual day I slept till she started to wake up which was usually around 6 6:30 as she started to wake up I would get up and make her, her breakfast and get things ready for her to eat. I would go get her from her crib and her face would light up when she saw me. I would go change her and then feed her. When she was done we would play for a little while till she got sleep and went down for her morning nap. On this day she slept a really long time I want to say like 2 or 3 hours. I got ready while she was sleeping and waited and waited for her to get up. I was ready for her to get up because I needed to go to the store. She finally got up and I got her dressed and we were out the door. I know we went to Target because I bought her baby food and clothes. I bought her a pair of PJ's that were pink and said all kinds of i love mommy and daddy sayings (that I sleep with every night). We went home and just hung out and played and I took pictures of her. Just had a very everyday afternoon but an afternoon I cherish. She was cranky so fed her her dinner, I gave her a bath and we played a little more and read her a story I gave her a bottle and for the first time in a long time she fell asleep on me. I just let her sleep on me and I remember looking at her thinking about how big she had gotten. I put her to bed and when Mare got home from work I told her " Mckenna fell asleep on me tonight, I need to cherish these moments because they won't last forever" never thinking that would be the last time she ever fell asleep in my arms.
Fri Sept 26th, 2008: I had to work this day and it was Billy's weekend to have her and Tammy was off this day and she watched her on Fridays. I got up super early because I had to meet Tammy at westgate from Wittmann. I was done getting ready around 5:20 and Mckenna was already starting to wake up. Mare got her out of her crib and brought her out to the kitchen and Mckenna's eyes had to adjust to the light so she had this face of confusion. I didn't feed her because didn't have enough time so I changed her diaper and put her in her carseat and said bye to Mare and we were off to meet Tammy. I was there before Tammy so I went in the back seat and took her out and we just sat there playing and cuddling. Tammy finally got there and we talked for a bit then I put Mckenna in her carseat and put her in Tammy's car gave her kisses and told her I loved her. After work I went over to Tammy's to hang out with Billy and them. Mckenna was asleep when I got there I stayed the night at Tammy's.
Sat Sept 27th, 2008: Mckenna woke up around 6-6:30 and Tammy brought her to me. She was confused not sure what was going on but when she saw me she was all smiles. I went to change her diaper thinking it was just a pee diaper and soon realized it wasn't. I had her by her head and feet holding her in front of me asking Tammy where her wipes were. It was a funny sight to see. She didn't want to leave my side every time I would put her down she would cry and cry. I asked everyone to watch her but they couldn't and I couldn't stand to hear her cry and be so upset so I made the decision to take her with me and that decision has changed my life forever. Never in a million years did I think that 8 hours later I would be saying goodbye forever.
I am sorry this is so long but I wanted to recall that last week with my baby girl. The little girl that changed my life forever, the little girl that will always be a part of me and the little girl that took a piece of me with her.
Missing you more each day pumpkin pie. I love you forever and always. XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
(((Ash))))
ReplyDeleteJust holding you both in my heart... I know this week is the hardest for you. I'm just so sorry... wishing she was here.
My heart aches for you. The week approcahing our year mark was brutal. The tape in my head just kept replaying, I didn't think it would ever stop. Did writing it out help? There are many times where I have started to write a blog post that has some emotion in it, then I erase it. Thinking of you and your McKenna.
ReplyDeleteI do recall that Saturday very well and its a day that I live with forever. I don't recall Mckenna crying every time you put her down but I do recall that Mckenna was playing with Jay and I in the kitchen and she kept playing peek a boo with me under the dishwasher. The smiles on her face from that day is what keeps me going. Jay and I were leaving the same time you were to go Christmas shopping for Mckenna but instead we ended up 45 minutes later at the ER. I had asked you before you left the house if you had a walker for her and you assured me that you did and she would be ok. If I had only known I would have to live the rest of my life without her I would have never let her leave the house that day without a walker. You are not the only one who is suffering from losing Mckenna so is Billy and the rest of our family. About 30 minutes before Billy would be walking thru the door Mckenna would crawl next to the door and wait for her daddy. Once she saw him she would raise her hands with a big smile on her face wanting him to pick her up. She loved her daddy. There isn't a day that goes by that our hearts don't ache for her. We don't want people feeling sorry for us all the time we want everyone to remember how happy Mckenna made everyone.
ReplyDeleteAshely, my heart is breaking for your right now. Out of all the people at the conference you made the biggest impression on me and I hardly got to spend anytime with you. Your strength is amazing just as AMAZING as I am sure McKenna was. I am so so honored that you shared this week with us. Thank you for sharing little McKenna with us. You are a such a wonderful insperation to us all!
ReplyDeleteHugs and Peace....Billie
Thinking of you and Mckenna this week.I am so sorry and I know how difficult this week is going to be for you. This week is going to bring so many emoitions and memories. I know and understand just how bad you are hurting right now and I wish I was there to help you thru this. You are such an EXCEPTIONAL and STRONG person.Not to mention you are the BEST mom I know, I know that Mckenna is looking down from heaven and is proud of everything you have done to keep her memory alive and is sending you the stength and love to get thru this week. Sending lots of love your way and lots of (((HUGS)))
ReplyDeletelove ya
Amy and Kaydence
Ash,
ReplyDeleteYou ARE such a wonderful, amazing, LOVING, caring mother. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise... Just by our conversations I know how involved YOU are in YOUR babies life. "Shoulda, coulda, woulda..." won't change the past, however each & every time you think, speak or breath Mckenna, you're giving her life. Although she isn't here in body, she is here spiritually; I know if she had to be by anyone's side, it'd be YOURS. Nobody will mourn the way YOU do. Nobody will will grief the way YOU do. Nobody will EVER feel the way YOU feel because you & ONLY you can have that connection with YOUR baby; that MOTHER connection. Not her father, aunt, uncle, grandfather OR grandmother. People can spend their time pointing fingers, but where does that leave them? Nowhere. You, on the other hand, go above & beyond giving Mckenna life through each & everything you do on a DAILY basis. I, along with soooo many other people, are so proud of what you've accomplished in such short amount of time & in the situation you're in. I can't WAIT to see the many wonders you will create in YOUR babies name :-)
XO!
I completely agree with the above comment and couldn't have said it more perfectly. Sending lots of love.
ReplyDelete