Skip to main content

How can it be?????

Wow how can it be that 2 years ago we lost Mckenna? Looking back on these 2 years I can honestly say it has been a big blur. 2 years ago I would have never thought I would survive without Mckenna, and yet here I am still living and breathing when some days I wish I didn’t have to wake another day without her.  In the beginning I did what I could to just get by I put on a mask to show that I was “ok” when in reality I was dying inside struggling to breathe each breath because it hurt so much to breathe. I had people in my life that would help me along the way when I needed them but over time that put a strain on my relationships so it was easier to just avoid the pain and live life like it never happened. When in reality it DID happen.  I held my daughter while her heart stopped, I buried my child, I lost the love of my life in a matter of seconds. How could I just cover it up like it didn’t happen? One thing I have learned in these past 2 years is that you can’t avoid the pain that comes with losing a child. The emotions that come along with losing your child are so deep and powerful that avoiding them would be a lot easier but it also makes you avoid all aspects of their life. Like the pure joy of seeing her face, remembering the way she sounded, her soft breath as she slept, watching her videos being so curious and happy, remembering the way she felt in my arms, to the pure torture of what life is like without her here, the thoughts that go through my mind that can bring me to my knees, what it feels like to NOT have her in my arms, all of those emotions are a part of her. So avoiding it is avoiding all of her good and bad. She changed my life in ways that I can’t even try to explain. I lived and breathed for her in life and now I must do the same in her death. She was and is the reason I wake up every day. She is the reason I will help parents that are facing this same tremendously exhausting journey. Now 2 years down this road I am still trying to find a balance between the pain and the joy. This is a tricky balance that is hard to bring together because the things that give you joy also bring you pain. No matter what anyone believes I will be living with this for the rest of my life. She may have only been here for 9 months but she changed me as a person and who I thought I was. I miss her everyday and think of her every day. This is a growing process and it takes a lot of time to find your way and what works best for you. There have been new people that have come into my life that *get it* and for that I am forever thankful. These angel mommies that have been placed in my life are my saving grace. They give me strength on the days that I feel I can’t face the pain, they are on this same journey and know what to say or what not to say because they too are facing the same struggles I am facing. As for the old friends and family in my life I am thankful to them as well because they make me feel *normal* sometimes when I am not sure what *normal* is.  So thank you all for being here for me for the past 2 years. Remember Mckenna today and send her some lovin as she will send her Mckenna lovin your way.

Mckenna mommy loves and misses you with all my heart and soul. I am sending you love to heaven above. Hugs and Kisses baby girl you are missed dearly.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Graduation, Weeping Willows and Love

I have often thought about the analogy of trees and wind. Trees need to be flexible when the winds blow or they would break and not survive the storm. Rigid, stubborn trees trying hard to go against the wind grow tired, weary and broken. Fluid and flexible trees go with the flow of the wind, bending and bouncing back after a storm.  When I began my journey of becoming a social worker I was the stubborn rigid tree trying hard to control everything around me falling apart in the process. This became more of a challenge than allowing the wind to do what it does and go with whatever direction it goes. It was exhausting. I would come unhinged quickly, shut down and not stay with my emotions. Friends have told me that they saw it happen right before their eyes. 2 years ago I started the MSW program. I was fragile, unstable, rigid, shut down, broken and lost. I never thought the day would come for me to get my Master’s. Graduation felt like a million years away. Every class...
Post a Comment
Read more

I Would Have a 7 Year old...Sigh

I would have a 7 year old, a 7 year old!! Sometimes that thought fills my heart with sadness. How could she be dead? How could my baby girl be dead? I watched a short video of her last night and it’s hard to believe that she was mine. It’s hard to believe that I gave birth to this amazing, beautiful, curious, old soul. I have often said I can’t imagine my life without Mckenna. I live everyday without her. I still cannot visualize never having her, never knowing her, never holding her, kissing her, loving her, as my life would not be the same without her ever existing. I may not have made the best decision staying with my ex husband back when I knew he cheated, however, if I had left him then I would have never had her. That is not a thought I can even begin to imagine. I would make the same choice if I had to live it again because she was worth the pain I went through all those years.  I miss my daughter, I miss being her mom, I miss my life as a her mom, she was my pa...
Post a Comment
Read more

Closing the Book of my Childhood...

Growing up I went to my Nana and Papa's house frequently. She would keep us weeks at a time in the summers. Nana was for a grandmother but also didn't take any back talk or attitude. When I was 10 years old, I moved in with Nana and Papa. My room was downstairs, without a door and had the washer and dryer in the room. Eventually they put on saloon like doors for a little privacy. I lived there until I turned 13. Big years living with your grandparents. Vital years really, but I wouldn't have had it any other way. I always felt connected to my Nana. We were a lot a like. I still wonder what she would think of me now and how I turned out. I would help around the property, help plant cactus (and laugh hysterically together after because we were so sweaty and gross), helped feed the animals, water the trees, water the plants, ride my bike all the time. I actually played out doors every day. Sometimes I was allowed to eat ice cream for dinner when no one wanted to c...
6 comments
Read more