Monday, September 27, 2010

How can it be?????

Wow how can it be that 2 years ago we lost Mckenna? Looking back on these 2 years I can honestly say it has been a big blur. 2 years ago I would have never thought I would survive without Mckenna, and yet here I am still living and breathing when some days I wish I didn’t have to wake another day without her.  In the beginning I did what I could to just get by I put on a mask to show that I was “ok” when in reality I was dying inside struggling to breathe each breath because it hurt so much to breathe. I had people in my life that would help me along the way when I needed them but over time that put a strain on my relationships so it was easier to just avoid the pain and live life like it never happened. When in reality it DID happen.  I held my daughter while her heart stopped, I buried my child, I lost the love of my life in a matter of seconds. How could I just cover it up like it didn’t happen? One thing I have learned in these past 2 years is that you can’t avoid the pain that comes with losing a child. The emotions that come along with losing your child are so deep and powerful that avoiding them would be a lot easier but it also makes you avoid all aspects of their life. Like the pure joy of seeing her face, remembering the way she sounded, her soft breath as she slept, watching her videos being so curious and happy, remembering the way she felt in my arms, to the pure torture of what life is like without her here, the thoughts that go through my mind that can bring me to my knees, what it feels like to NOT have her in my arms, all of those emotions are a part of her. So avoiding it is avoiding all of her good and bad. She changed my life in ways that I can’t even try to explain. I lived and breathed for her in life and now I must do the same in her death. She was and is the reason I wake up every day. She is the reason I will help parents that are facing this same tremendously exhausting journey. Now 2 years down this road I am still trying to find a balance between the pain and the joy. This is a tricky balance that is hard to bring together because the things that give you joy also bring you pain. No matter what anyone believes I will be living with this for the rest of my life. She may have only been here for 9 months but she changed me as a person and who I thought I was. I miss her everyday and think of her every day. This is a growing process and it takes a lot of time to find your way and what works best for you. There have been new people that have come into my life that *get it* and for that I am forever thankful. These angel mommies that have been placed in my life are my saving grace. They give me strength on the days that I feel I can’t face the pain, they are on this same journey and know what to say or what not to say because they too are facing the same struggles I am facing. As for the old friends and family in my life I am thankful to them as well because they make me feel *normal* sometimes when I am not sure what *normal* is.  So thank you all for being here for me for the past 2 years. Remember Mckenna today and send her some lovin as she will send her Mckenna lovin your way.

Mckenna mommy loves and misses you with all my heart and soul. I am sending you love to heaven above. Hugs and Kisses baby girl you are missed dearly.

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