Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Reflections

As the week continues and each day passes I am struck by how fast time goes. It has now been 2 days since the 27th. All year long I dreaded the month of Sept because it proves that yes another year has past, yes time does still go on, and yes your daughter has really been gone another year. I can feel it in my body as the day approaches as my mood starts to change and my heart seems to ache more and more. I am still in disbelief that it has really been 24 months, 2 days, 11 hours, 45 min since I last held her in my arms. I am trying to recount this past week and I can honestly say I don't remember last week. I feel like I am still in a fog and my days seem to come and go and I don't even remember them. Not sure it this a good thing or not but I am just going with the flow right now because I think that is all I can do.

This year I have to say has been different. The fist year and a half I went around as if nothing ever happened. I pushed my feelings aside because that is what I thought everyone wanted to see, when in reality I was dying inside every breath I took was torture, facing my days became more and more of a struggle. The pain was taking over and I couldn't function I couldn't see past the pain. I couldn't take it anymore so I started to face those feelings 6 months ago and it has been a life changing experience. I have gained some strength to feel the feelings as they come and learning to sit with those emotions. I have to admit it is not an easy task and I still find myself not being able to face it fully but it is a learning process. In the past 6 months I have learned that the more you surround yourself with the people that *get it* the less alone you feel. Being alone in the pain isn't the place to be. I have learned to reach out if I am drowing. Learning to trust myself and trust the one's around me.

 I can honestly say that I do smile and I do laugh and I do feel some joy something I never thought I would ever feel again. Sometimes those emotions still bring that pain in my heart but I have also learned to not let it take over. So much more to learn and I will continue to grow day by day, month by month, year by year.

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