Monday, November 1, 2010

OWWBFM-bug

Wow! What can be said about the MISS Barefoot Walkabout to Remember??? So many emotions that ran through my body and that came to the surface as I took those painful steps. When we began this walk I was bound and determined to make it to the top and back down completely barefoot. Last time my feet wouldn't allow me to get down to the bottom, and I wasn't going to let that happen this time around. The first steps were a piece of cake and seemed to go much smoother. As I continued up the path I noticed that the only place I was looking was just in front of me and where I was going to step next. I looked at the person in front of me and sometimes I followed their path but other times I went my own way because I saw that her steps weren't where I wanted to go. Step after step I was concentrating so much on just those steps in front of me I forgot to look around me at the beauty. I wasn't looking at the bigger picture.

This phrase "the bigger picture" has been on my mind a lot the past couple weeks. While going along the path it was hard to look at the bigger picture because of the fear of stepping on a sharp rock, or a cactus needle, or that I might stubble and fall. But why am I letting the fear of pain take control and make me miss the beauty that is intertwined in the pain?? Yes I might step on a rock and scream in pain, yes I might step on a cactus needle and yell and cuss, yes I might stubble and fall but those moments of pain are just moments. Those moments will pass in time and will allow me to build more muscle to be able to carry the grief.

I reach the top of "Big Rock" and was blown away at the view of the beautiful red rocks of Sedona. The wind was blowing, the sun was shining and I was surrounded by those who *get it* It was so peaceful and overwhelming all at the same time. I sat looking out at the beautiful rocks and sky around me and just reflected on the journey up to the top. I closed my eyes and just listened to the wind blow and feel the sun on my skin. I did it, I made it through the pain and got to the beauty. The only thing missing in getting to the top is thinking that the pain was over and I get my reward in the end....... my daughter back. Yeah only in my dreams right????.

It is so hard sometimes to see the bigger picture when I am faced with such painful moments, it is hard to see the bigger picture when all those rocks and needles hurt so much and all I want to do is give up. When I started back down I could already tell it was going to be a long road down. My feet were very tender and I felt every single rock and pebbles below my feet. It seemed to take me longer to get to the bottom of this path and felt like there were no breaks to catch my breath to continue, but I refused to put my shoes on. I had Mckenna's rock in my hand I held on to it tight saying " Mckenna help mommy get through this" I wasn't going to let the pain take over and make me to not continue down this path. My legs were shaking, my hands were sweating, my heart was pounding but...... I did it I made it to the end completely and totally barefoot. There just aren't any words to explain what it felt like to make it to the top and back down barefoot. Again wishing that once I got to the end of the painful journey I was rewarded with the gift of having my daughter placed in my arms again, but since that wish will never be fullfilled I will just have to settle for trying to see the "bigger picture" and the beauty in this broken world and to live each day for Mckenna. To always live and breath for her and walk through the pain because one day I will be rewarded with the gift of her being placed in my arms again, and what a grand day that will be.

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