To SEE or Not to SEE

When I look at the world around me I am just amazed at how people are so in their own little world they don't take the moments in life to SEE what is around them. When I walk into a store I look at the people around me and I wonder what there life has been like.I wonder what struggles they have faced, what they struggle with everyday. Or I wonder if they have yet had to face the worse things that will happen to them in their life. I look at mothers or parents with their children and SEE how some are so out of tune with their children and wonder if they have ever thought what life would be like without them. If they look at their children and think to themselves how lucky they are that they have them and wouldn't or couldn't live life without them. I too am guilty of just looking straight ahead of me and not SEEing the things around me, but as time goes on I have tried to make it a point to SEE the bigger picture. To SEE the beauty in everyday life when some days it is such a struggle to SEE past the pain that is in my heart and soul. The days that take my breath away and make me wonder why I even take one more breath. Then I SEE Mckenna's beautiful face and amazing smile and I am reminded that I need to take that breath for her. I could walk through this world blind to the things around me, but I choose to SEE even the smallest measure of joy in everyday life. No matter how small it may seem if it brings me any measure of joy I take that moment and hold on to it with both hands and embrace it until the moment I feel that joy again. I try and SEE the things around me and just take a minute to live in that moment and forget just for a moment my struggles to breathe without my daughter.

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My treasured last week

Today I have been reflecting on the last week I had with Mckenna. It seems like I can recall every detail of the last week I had her in my arms and thought I would share my last week. My last day with Mckenna Sat Sept 20th : Billy had Mckenna that weekend but left her with Tammy to come move our stuff into storage. I missed her but thankful to have someone to watch her while we moved MOST of our stuff. Sun Sept 21st, 2008 : I worked that day and couldn't wait to get off work because I was getting Mckenna back. Billy dropped her off at my work I waited with her outside for Mare to get done because we rode together. She was happy to see her mommy. Mon Sept 22nd, 2008 : I had started this class at Pheonix college for my CCT at work so I could draw blood and put in and take out foley's. Mare couldn't watch her that day so my friend Lisa took the day off work to watch her for me. I had to wake up extra early to get ready just in case Mckenna was up earlier ...

Closing the Book of my Childhood...

Growing up I went to my Nana and Papa's house frequently. She would keep us weeks at a time in the summers. Nana was for a grandmother but also didn't take any back talk or attitude. When I was 10 years old, I moved in with Nana and Papa. My room was downstairs, without a door and had the washer and dryer in the room. Eventually they put on saloon like doors for a little privacy. I lived there until I turned 13. Big years living with your grandparents. Vital years really, but I wouldn't have had it any other way. I always felt connected to my Nana. We were a lot a like. I still wonder what she would think of me now and how I turned out. I would help around the property, help plant cactus (and laugh hysterically together after because we were so sweaty and gross), helped feed the animals, water the trees, water the plants, ride my bike all the time. I actually played out doors every day. Sometimes I was allowed to eat ice cream for dinner when no one wanted to c...

Fight for Your Healing

Not long ago one of my soul sister friends said to me, fight for your healing. This has been weighing heavy on my heart lately because I have not been fighting for my healing. Those who know me very well know that I am kind of a melancholy person. I have always been this way even as a child. I guess maybe I was born this way and when you are born with a certain personality trait it is hard to be anything else. I may not be able to fully get rid of the inner melancholy but I can at least try and find things that bring me out of my shell, things that make me laugh, things that require me to step outside of my comfort zone. Sitting in my room by myself all the time is not healthy (yes I still do this). Darkness continues to fall upon me more often than not. The older I get the harder it is to wade through the dark to find the light. I try and allow it to come and go but when it comes so frequently I become discouraged and disappointed in myself causing the cyc...

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