Ladybug Landing

Not even really sure where to begin on explaining this new adventure I am going to be embarking on (fingers crossed anyway). After the summer I had I had to dig deep and figure out how I was going to “pull up my boot straps” as my mom would say. How I was going to not let the magnitude of so many overwhelming, scary, sad, terrible things that happen devour my existence. Well when I put it out there that I day dream of attending the University of Houston for my masters in social work, I got a response that I wasn't expecting. I guess that was my push to really research and figure out how to pull it off.  Would I really be able to attend a college out of state??? Could I really move to a city on my own not knowing anyone??? Can I really do this??? Well I have not felt so drawn to something like this is a long time. That overwhelming force of, “that is where you are meant to go” feeling I get when I push and challenge myself. I figure if I can work in the sa...

Hi my name is Ashley and I am a mother, daughter, sister, niece, cousin, aunt and friend. I am sensitive and get my feelings hurt easily. I am respectful of my elders and to people in general. I am a loyal and honest friend who would drop what I am doing to come help you. I am broken hearted and sad most of the time. I day dream about the future, but question if I will live long enough to experience it. I sometimes don’t feel worthy of love. I often wonder who would love me and why would they love me. I question where I belong in this world. I have friends, but each of us are in different places in our lives that it’s hard to know where I fit into their lives, and theirs into mine.  I’m a bereaved mom. I try very hard to live this life and become someone and make a life for myself that doesn’t always reflect the fact that I have a dead daughter. I am discovering that, that is impossible. I have a dead daughter and that isn’t going to change. She is my life and how can ...

On the night before starting my weekend of Mckenna being with my ex-husband’s family, I held Mckenna as she fell asleep in my arms. I looked down at this beautiful little girl as she took deep sleep breaths; I was in awe of her perfection. How big she was getting and how I needed to treasure that moment in time because it wasn’t going to last forever. Though in that moment I did not realize that the next time she would be in my arms like that would be as her heart stopped beating……. Two by two family came to say their goodbyes, their broken hearts written on their faces. They gave her one last kiss, one last touch, one last I love you. The last two people leave the room, just Mckenna, Billy and me alone. I look down and see blood on my arm from the pressure monitor, I’m talking to her, Billy comes and tells her how much daddy loves her and kisses her forehead, then suddenly our last moments with Mckenna alive were gone. The Dr came in and told us, “we’ve been watching...

As I reflect on the summer it is hard to believe that I have survived. It has been overwhelming, sad, emotional, stressful, devastating, and heartbreaking, though it has also been a summer of empowerment, growth and change.  My summer began with the death of my brother and my BSW graduation. Both of these events happened one week apart. I was filled with such joy as I was about to complete a goal that I had set for myself, I was going to walk across that stage and receive my diploma that I worked so very hard for. Then on April 25th my brother Peter died and shook my world. This was the first death in my family since the death of Mckenna. I was full of so many emotions that I found myself questioning my grief. Why I was feeling such sadness, because after all I have lost a child so why does this hurt so much? It was an eye opening moment that started my summer. It opened my eyes to the living world again; a world that I thought wasn’t possible since the death of Mcke...

My heart has been broken into what seems like a million pieces lately and the pain is deep within  my soul that when it surfaces it is almost too much to bare. I was just 14 when my dad died. When he died I never knew that kind of pain. I was trying to navigate through that pain alone as a 14 year old little girl. Though in doing so I truly grieved my dad. I was 24 when Mckenna died. The pain of losing Mckenna was too much for me to handle, so avoiding became my signature. My "Ashley face" was born and I was able to push the pain down so deep that when just a tiny piece of pain surfaced, it brought me to my knees, unable to breathe, crying for the pain to stop. With the help of loving, gentle souls I was able to stand, breathe and cry for my daughter without it debilitating my existence. I am now 29 years old fatherless, daughterless, and motherless and I am not sure of the person I am.  I spent years and years searching in others for a mother figure to fill the part...

As I sit in my empty room eating my dinner I think of my mom. All the days she was alone, lonely and sad. I am taken back by the images of finding my mom lifeless in her bed on a daily bases. Many are not aware of the circumstances of her death and out of respect of my mom and my brother I will keep most of the details private. As many know we struggled with my mom’s drinking and over the last several months it has been a real battle. My mother was a beautiful soul deep down in that pain she tried so hard to rid herself of with drinking. I always knew that person deep down and so I would continue to fight to get that person back. All I ever wanted was for her to be the mom I knew she could be, the mom that I knew she was. In the process of going through her things and moving her it was brought to my attention the magnitude of her pain, her struggles, and her demons. It breaks my heart to know just how much my mom suffered because of the evilness of people in her life. No hum...

        Dr. Cacciatore has been asking questions on FB about death and today's  question  really got me thinking. Today’s question was "What emotion- what nuanced part of grief -  has been the most difficult with which to cope?"  My response was about shame and me not feeling worthy of unconditional love, joy and happiness because I am responsible for Mcknena’s death. Why do I deserve love when I’m the reason her beautiful soul is no longer here? I now feel I do deserve love, joy and happiness, but it has not been an easy journey getting there. I often hear from others, “it was an accident,” “It’s not your fault,” Many say that they don’t know how I am able to do what I do. They think I am “amazing” for being able to face the challenges I face and do what I do. I often hear, “I can’t imagine,” “I would die if something happened to my child,” “wow, I don’t know how you do it.” I don’t often tell my whole story, I only tell it when I feel the ne...

While driving past New River I always think of my Dad. While going up north and I was thinking of my dad and realized that it will 15 years that he has been gone. That number took my breath away. Each year it seems like I have different emotions when approaching his death day. This year it seems shocking to me that he has been gone 15 years. That just seems impossible. Just saying the number hurts my heart…..How can it really be that long??? Life does seem to just go on when at the time I wished my world would have just stopped. My world was filled with sadness, hurt, anger, confusion. I was a lost 14 year old girl trying to find my way alone. At that time in my life everything was going wrong, a dead dad, an alcoholic mother, a family so far apart from each other it seemed like there was no light, only dark. Life was lonely back then. His death did not bring my family closer together, only drove us more and more apart. I would not go back to that time in my life for...

Death either brings families closer together or drives them apart. On April 25 th my family was brought together because of the sudden death of my brother Pete. I have never received a phone call like I did that day. That call threw me through a loop and caused me to reach within myself and to allow myself to feel, cry and grieve with my family. We made arrangements, saw him one last time and said our final good bye at his memorial all together as a family should. I sat with my family as we cried, laughed, and remembered my brother. It was a tragically beautiful thing because Peter was too young to die, though we came together as a family.  Since Mckenna’s death, and prior to that my family was breaking and growing further and further apart. It felt broken and distant. I felt I was the black sheep of the family, they didn't understand me and my pain, my grief and my suffering. In a lot of ways they still don’t but in a lot of ways I never gave them the ...

The date is nearing, the moment I have been waiting for, for 2 1/2 years, the picture I have had in my head .....walking across that stage...... Most of my classmates are excited, happy and jumping with joy to graduate, but then there is me....My world has filled with the bittersweetness of this moment. Many will not understand how I am feeling, but that needs to be ok. It is hard to even explain how I am feeling and what graduation means to me. This moment is so much more than a diploma, so much more than a degree, so much more than that piece of paper.....it is my accomplishment of learning to move forward without Mckenna. Learning to live again, relearning to be Ashley (who ever that person is). It is the acknowledgement of how far I have come. I am learning to spread my wings and fly, learning to trust the wind. Trusting that voice that guides me in the direction I am meant to be, to not question where the wind is taking me, to just glide along the way and feel when it is rig...

Every weekend as I walk into PCH I am taken back to a time when my world was forever changed. Every weekend as I walk out of PCH I can feel the emptiness I felt the day I walked away from my daughter’s lifeless body. As I walk into PCH I walk past the hallway we walked empty handed without our daughter and it takes my breath away. As I walk out I look down that same hallway and wonder how I ever survived walking out of that hospital without the love of my life. Each and every day I think about Mckenna and some days I can hardly stand the pain that it brings not having her here. The past 2 ½ years I have embarked on an adventure that has made me grow in ways I never thought possible. I have challenged myself and have made it through these challenges a different person. Challenge one, live on my own. This challenge did not start out with intent to be living alone, but that is how it worked out. Never have I felt so alone and lonely than when I would come home to empty. Dark...