On the night before starting my weekend of Mckenna being with my ex-husband’s family, I held Mckenna as she fell asleep in my arms. I looked down at this beautiful little girl as she took deep sleep breaths; I was in awe of her perfection. How big she was getting and how I needed to treasure that moment in time because it wasn’t going to last forever. Though in that moment I did not realize that the next time she would be in my arms like that would be as her heart stopped beating…….
Two by two family came to say their goodbyes, their broken hearts written on their faces. They gave her one last kiss, one last touch, one last I love you. The last two people leave the room, just Mckenna, Billy and me alone. I look down and see blood on my arm from the pressure monitor, I’m talking to her, Billy comes and tells her how much daddy loves her and kisses her forehead, then suddenly our last moments with Mckenna alive were gone. The Dr came in and told us, “we’ve been watching her heart on the monitor and we think it has stopped, I’m going to listen to check”……..with sad, tear filled eyes the words “she’s gone” came from her mouth. I was in Disbelief, horror, and shock; my heart shattered into a billion pieces, I looked at Billy’s heartbroken face and just sobbed. The nurses removed the tubes, and she lay lifeless in my arms. Her broken body did not even look like the little girl I woke up to that morning. What in the hell just happened?????
In that moment I felt as if I had left my body. I was a shell of a person. How could my vibrant, observant, quiet, beautiful, precious, funny, vocal, happy, baby girl lay there lifeless in my arms? Not breathing, not moving. It was a moment that is etched into my brain, a memory that can take my breath away in an instant. No mother should ever have to endure such pain, sorrow and agony. I walked out of that hospital a different person.
5 years ago today I held my daughter, kissed her, touched her skin, held her hand, kissed her lips, laid my head on her lifeless body, put her hand in mine and expressed to her how very sorry I was, how much I loved her and said good bye. I miss her every day, I love her more than the universe and I am who I am because of her. She teaches me and I am more than blessed to have been given the chance to be her mother. I may never know why she picked me, but I know that I would not take back those 9 months with her here and the 9 months that I carried her. She is not forgotten and is loved by so many.
I am still a mother and I will continue to mother Mckenna in any way I feel I need to. I will share her life, her death and hope it will only help those around me to hold their children a little bit tighter, it will open their eyes to the dangers of TV’s and take the precautions necessary to protect their children, I hope they will know their gifts and take a moment to enjoy them, to take a step back and slow down to cherish the little things.
Honoring Mckenna’s life is one thing in my life that fills my heart with love. I will always honor her and I continue to learn how to live without her physically here, but I am also learning how to live with her in my heart each and every day.
There are truly no words to even try and explain or describe what it is like living without you here. There are no words to even express how very much I miss you and at times it truly is almost too much to bare. There are no words to express how deep my love is for you and just how much you completely change my life. I will never forget this day and how it was the day a piece of my heart was ripped to shreds, only to heal scarred, rigged, uneven and not complete. You are my love forever and always. Sending you so much love and big ginormous hugs and kisses. I love you pumpkin pie. XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO