Skip to main content

Is It Really Possible......5 Years??????






On the night before starting my weekend of Mckenna being with my ex-husband’s family, I held Mckenna as she fell asleep in my arms. I looked down at this beautiful little girl as she took deep sleep breaths; I was in awe of her perfection. How big she was getting and how I needed to treasure that moment in time because it wasn’t going to last forever. Though in that moment I did not realize that the next time she would be in my arms like that would be as her heart stopped beating…….

Two by two family came to say their goodbyes, their broken hearts written on their faces. They gave her one last kiss, one last touch, one last I love you. The last two people leave the room, just Mckenna, Billy and me alone. I look down and see blood on my arm from the pressure monitor, I’m talking to her, Billy comes and tells her how much daddy loves her and kisses her forehead, then suddenly our last moments with Mckenna alive were gone. The Dr came in and told us, “we’ve been watching her heart on the monitor and we think it has stopped, I’m going to listen to check”……..with sad, tear filled eyes the words “she’s gone”  came from her mouth. I was in Disbelief, horror, and shock; my heart shattered into a billion pieces, I looked at Billy’s heartbroken face and just sobbed.  The nurses removed the tubes, and she lay lifeless in my arms. Her broken body did not even look like the little girl I woke up to that morning. What in the hell just happened?????

 In that moment I felt as if I had left my body. I was a shell of a person.  How could my vibrant, observant, quiet, beautiful, precious, funny, vocal, happy, baby girl lay there lifeless in my arms? Not breathing, not moving. It was a moment that is etched into my brain, a memory that can take my breath away in an instant. No mother should ever have to endure such pain, sorrow and agony. I walked out of that hospital a different person.

5 years ago today I held my daughter, kissed her, touched her skin, held her hand, kissed her lips, laid my head on her lifeless body, put her hand in mine and expressed to her how very sorry I was, how much I loved her and said good bye. I miss her every day, I love her more than the universe and I am who I am because of her. She teaches me and I am more than blessed to have been given the chance to be her mother. I may never know why she picked me, but I know that I would not take back those 9 months with her here and the 9 months that I carried her. She is not forgotten and is loved by so many.

I am still a mother and I will continue to mother Mckenna in any way I feel I need to. I will share her life, her death and hope it will only help those around me to hold their children a little bit tighter, it will open their eyes to the dangers of TV’s and take the precautions necessary to protect their children, I hope they will know their gifts and take a moment to enjoy them, to take a step back and slow down to cherish the little things.
Honoring Mckenna’s life is one thing in my life that fills my heart with love. I will always honor her and I continue to learn how to live without her physically here, but I am also learning how to live with her in my heart each and every day.

Mckenna,

                There are truly no words to even try and explain or describe what it is like living without you here. There are no words to even express how very much I miss you and at times it truly is almost too much to bare. There are no words to express how deep my love is for you and just how much you completely change my life. I will never forget this day and how it was the day a piece of my heart was ripped to shreds, only to heal scarred, rigged, uneven and not complete. You are my love forever and always. Sending you so much love and big ginormous hugs and kisses. I love you pumpkin pie. XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

10 Years Without You Mom....

10 years ago today, I experienced the second worst day of my life. I found my mother dead in her bed. Even 10 years later, when I say those words it takes my breath away. I know it's not a very delicate way to say it but it's the truth. I don't relive every detail like I did for many years. For years, following her death, I couldn't get those images out of my head. Every detail from the moment I unlocked the door, to the funeral home taking her away. Each moment played out often. What an absolutely awful day it was.  The days leading up to her death also haunted me. I always felt I didn't do enough. She died sad and alone in an apt that was horrible. I had reached a point in her alcoholism of distancing myself. I couldn't handle the heartache and the broken promises and the constantly finding her drunk and the drunk phone calls. I distanced myself and she died. The what if's, the shoulda, coulda, woulda's were ruthless. I still hear her voice the last ti
Post a Comment
Read more

Being a Mom Again...

I miss writing and said last year that I would start writing more and it never happened so I gave up my other blog because it was costing me money and since I didn't use it I wasted money. So back to my old blog it is.  I am now 5 months into being a mom again and boy has it been interesting. I thought I remembered so much about Mckenna's life, but as it turns out I don't. I don't remember these early months and especially the newborn stage. I guess sleep deprivation might have something to do with that. I feel I am doing things differently this time around and on one hand that is wonderful but on the other it makes me kind of sad knowing I am parenting differently because of my life experience. Mckenna had the young naive mom who went with societal "norms". I must admit that social media has made me feel worse about how I want to parent because it feels like it's the "wrong" way. I didn't have that influence with Mckenna but still must have
Post a Comment
Read more

My treasured last week

Today I have been reflecting on the last week I had with Mckenna. It seems like I can recall every detail of the last week I had her in  my arms and thought I would share my last week.  My last day with Mckenna  Sat Sept 20th : Billy had Mckenna that weekend but left her with Tammy to come move our stuff into storage. I missed her but thankful to have someone to watch her while we moved  MOST of our stuff. Sun Sept 21st, 2008 : I worked that day and couldn't wait to get off work because I was getting Mckenna back. Billy dropped her off at my work I waited with her outside for Mare to get done because we rode together. She was happy to see her mommy. Mon Sept 22nd, 2008 : I had started this class at Pheonix college for my CCT at work so I could draw blood and put in and take out foley's. Mare couldn't watch her that day so my friend Lisa took the day off work to watch her for me. I had to wake up extra early to get ready just in case Mckenna was up earlier
7 comments
Read more