Skip to main content

Graduation, Tears and Love





The date is nearing, the moment I have been waiting for, for 2 1/2 years, the picture I have had in my head .....walking across that stage...... Most of my classmates are excited, happy and jumping with joy to graduate, but then there is me....My world has filled with the bittersweetness of this moment. Many will not understand how I am feeling, but that needs to be ok. It is hard to even explain how I am feeling and what graduation means to me. This moment is so much more than a diploma, so much more than a degree, so much more than that piece of paper.....it is my accomplishment of learning to move forward without Mckenna. Learning to live again, relearning to be Ashley (who ever that person is). It is the acknowledgement of how far I have come. I am learning to spread my wings and fly, learning to trust the wind. Trusting that voice that guides me in the direction I am meant to be, to not question where the wind is taking me, to just glide along the way and feel when it is right to land. Doors have been opened, more than I ever expected which assures me that I am in the right direction. Though I know this to be true, it is hard to not feel the bitterness of this moment. In my mind, deep down in my brain I feel I may have secretly been hoping and "praying" that she will be my reward. She will run up to me as I cross that stage, wrap her arms around my neck and say, "you did it mommy, I am so proud of you". Wishful thinking, yes. Logically I know that will not happen, but I can't help but feel it to be true. Oh how I wish it were to be true.

Lots of tears have been shed the past few weeks at just the thought of my graduation and pending MSW program and internship (if you know me you know that the tears are kind of a big deal).Tears of sadness, anger, guilt and just plain missing Mckenna so intensely that I can't hardly stand it kind of tears. I am trusting this journey and trusting that I am where I am meant to be, to become the person I am meant to be. I often ask why....why work at PCH, why do my internship with crisis response, why do my MSW internship with PCH in the ED, why, why why. I do not have the answer to these questions, but all I can do is trust the wind.....

I am overwhelmed by the love and pride those around me are showing and giving. I do not take praise well, I do not let it sink in. It goes in one ear and out the other because in many ways I do not feel that I deserve it. Though one of my beautiful soul friends is helping me to change that negative voice, it is still there very loud and clear. So as the date approaches I am going to try and sit with the words of pride and let them soak in, even if it's just for a moment. This IS a big deal and I DO need to try and accept the love and pride of those around me as it come, because I have earned that piece of paper and have shed plenty of blood, sweat and TEARS to get to this moment. I need to take the bitter with the sweet and allow more of the sweet to come into my world.

I know Mckenna is proud of me, just wish in the end that she was my reward.....

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

My treasured last week

Today I have been reflecting on the last week I had with Mckenna. It seems like I can recall every detail of the last week I had her in  my arms and thought I would share my last week.  My last day with Mckenna  Sat Sept 20th : Billy had Mckenna that weekend but left her with Tammy to come move our stuff into storage. I missed her but thankful to have someone to watch her while we moved  MOST of our stuff. Sun Sept 21st, 2008 : I worked that day and couldn't wait to get off work because I was getting Mckenna back. Billy dropped her off at my work I waited with her outside for Mare to get done because we rode together. She was happy to see her mommy. Mon Sept 22nd, 2008 : I had started this class at Pheonix college for my CCT at work so I could draw blood and put in and take out foley's. Mare couldn't watch her that day so my friend Lisa took the day off work to watch her for me. I had to wake up extra early to get ready just in case Mckenna was up earlier ...
7 comments
Read more

Closing the Book of my Childhood...

Growing up I went to my Nana and Papa's house frequently. She would keep us weeks at a time in the summers. Nana was for a grandmother but also didn't take any back talk or attitude. When I was 10 years old, I moved in with Nana and Papa. My room was downstairs, without a door and had the washer and dryer in the room. Eventually they put on saloon like doors for a little privacy. I lived there until I turned 13. Big years living with your grandparents. Vital years really, but I wouldn't have had it any other way. I always felt connected to my Nana. We were a lot a like. I still wonder what she would think of me now and how I turned out. I would help around the property, help plant cactus (and laugh hysterically together after because we were so sweaty and gross), helped feed the animals, water the trees, water the plants, ride my bike all the time. I actually played out doors every day. Sometimes I was allowed to eat ice cream for dinner when no one wanted to c...
6 comments
Read more

Fight for Your Healing

Not long ago one of my soul sister friends said to me, fight for your healing. This has been weighing heavy on my heart lately because I have not been fighting for my healing.   Those who know me very well know that I am kind of a melancholy person. I have always been this way even as a child. I guess maybe I was born this way and when you are born with a certain personality trait it is hard to be anything else. I may not be able to fully get rid of the inner melancholy but I can at least try and find things that bring me out of my shell, things that make me laugh, things that require me to step outside of my comfort zone. Sitting in my room by myself all the time is not healthy (yes I still do this).  Darkness continues to fall upon me more often than not. The older I get the harder it is to wade through the dark to find the light. I try and allow it to come and go but when it comes so frequently I become discouraged and disappointed in myself causing the cyc...
4 comments
Read more