Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Graduation, Tears and Love

The date is nearing, the moment I have been waiting for, for 2 1/2 years, the picture I have had in my head .....walking across that stage...... Most of my classmates are excited, happy and jumping with joy to graduate, but then there is me....My world has filled with the bittersweetness of this moment. Many will not understand how I am feeling, but that needs to be ok. It is hard to even explain how I am feeling and what graduation means to me. This moment is so much more than a diploma, so much more than a degree, so much more than that piece of paper.....it is my accomplishment of learning to move forward without Mckenna. Learning to live again, relearning to be Ashley (who ever that person is). It is the acknowledgement of how far I have come. I am learning to spread my wings and fly, learning to trust the wind. Trusting that voice that guides me in the direction I am meant to be, to not question where the wind is taking me, to just glide along the way and feel when it is right to land. Doors have been opened, more than I ever expected which assures me that I am in the right direction. Though I know this to be true, it is hard to not feel the bitterness of this moment. In my mind, deep down in my brain I feel I may have secretly been hoping and "praying" that she will be my reward. She will run up to me as I cross that stage, wrap her arms around my neck and say, "you did it mommy, I am so proud of you". Wishful thinking, yes. Logically I know that will not happen, but I can't help but feel it to be true. Oh how I wish it were to be true.

Lots of tears have been shed the past few weeks at just the thought of my graduation and pending MSW program and internship (if you know me you know that the tears are kind of a big deal).Tears of sadness, anger, guilt and just plain missing Mckenna so intensely that I can't hardly stand it kind of tears. I am trusting this journey and trusting that I am where I am meant to be, to become the person I am meant to be. I often ask why....why work at PCH, why do my internship with crisis response, why do my MSW internship with PCH in the ED, why, why why. I do not have the answer to these questions, but all I can do is trust the wind.....

I am overwhelmed by the love and pride those around me are showing and giving. I do not take praise well, I do not let it sink in. It goes in one ear and out the other because in many ways I do not feel that I deserve it. Though one of my beautiful soul friends is helping me to change that negative voice, it is still there very loud and clear. So as the date approaches I am going to try and sit with the words of pride and let them soak in, even if it's just for a moment. This IS a big deal and I DO need to try and accept the love and pride of those around me as it come, because I have earned that piece of paper and have shed plenty of blood, sweat and TEARS to get to this moment. I need to take the bitter with the sweet and allow more of the sweet to come into my world.

I know Mckenna is proud of me, just wish in the end that she was my reward.....

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