Sunday, August 4, 2013
My heart has been broken into what seems like a million pieces lately and the pain is deep within my soul that when it surfaces it is almost too much to bare.
I was just 14 when my dad died. When he died I never knew that kind of pain. I was trying to navigate through that pain alone as a 14 year old little girl. Though in doing so I truly grieved my dad. I was 24 when Mckenna died. The pain of losing Mckenna was too much for me to handle, so avoiding became my signature. My "Ashley face" was born and I was able to push the pain down so deep that when just a tiny piece of pain surfaced, it brought me to my knees, unable to breathe, crying for the pain to stop. With the help of loving, gentle souls I was able to stand, breathe and cry for my daughter without it debilitating my existence. I am now 29 years old fatherless, daughterless, and motherless and I am not sure of the person I am.
I spent years and years searching in others for a mother figure to fill the parts of my mom that she could not be to me only to get hurt more. I never appreciated the person my mom was, the mom she tried to be, the yearning she felt to just have her daughter as I yearned to have my mom. I feel like I have failed her as a daughter, a mom and a friend lately. I feel as if I am a little girl needing my mommy, and a mother needing to mommy. I feel as if I am in this strange place of feeling empty.
Over the past couple weeks it has hit me with full force the fact that I will be forever and always be motherless. No one can replace my mom, no one can be the mom I need or yearn for. No amount of searching will change the fact that the person who carried me for 9 months, gave birth to me and raised me to best of her ability is no longer here to be my mom. I was the best daughter I could be though it will never feel like enough. So many wishes of better times, more laughter together, more hugs. I know I can't change the past and things are what they are, but that does not diminish the pain I feel deep in my soul.....
My heart is broken. Motherless, daughterless. It is just not the way it is supposed to be........