Ladybug Landing

Death either brings families closer together or drives them apart. On April 25 th my family was brought together because of the sudden death of my brother Pete. I have never received a phone call like I did that day. That call threw me through a loop and caused me to reach within myself and to allow myself to feel, cry and grieve with my family. We made arrangements, saw him one last time and said our final good bye at his memorial all together as a family should. I sat with my family as we cried, laughed, and remembered my brother. It was a tragically beautiful thing because Peter was too young to die, though we came together as a family.  Since Mckenna’s death, and prior to that my family was breaking and growing further and further apart. It felt broken and distant. I felt I was the black sheep of the family, they didn't understand me and my pain, my grief and my suffering. In a lot of ways they still don’t but in a lot of ways I never gave them the ...

The date is nearing, the moment I have been waiting for, for 2 1/2 years, the picture I have had in my head .....walking across that stage...... Most of my classmates are excited, happy and jumping with joy to graduate, but then there is me....My world has filled with the bittersweetness of this moment. Many will not understand how I am feeling, but that needs to be ok. It is hard to even explain how I am feeling and what graduation means to me. This moment is so much more than a diploma, so much more than a degree, so much more than that piece of paper.....it is my accomplishment of learning to move forward without Mckenna. Learning to live again, relearning to be Ashley (who ever that person is). It is the acknowledgement of how far I have come. I am learning to spread my wings and fly, learning to trust the wind. Trusting that voice that guides me in the direction I am meant to be, to not question where the wind is taking me, to just glide along the way and feel when it is rig...

Every weekend as I walk into PCH I am taken back to a time when my world was forever changed. Every weekend as I walk out of PCH I can feel the emptiness I felt the day I walked away from my daughter’s lifeless body. As I walk into PCH I walk past the hallway we walked empty handed without our daughter and it takes my breath away. As I walk out I look down that same hallway and wonder how I ever survived walking out of that hospital without the love of my life. Each and every day I think about Mckenna and some days I can hardly stand the pain that it brings not having her here. The past 2 ½ years I have embarked on an adventure that has made me grow in ways I never thought possible. I have challenged myself and have made it through these challenges a different person. Challenge one, live on my own. This challenge did not start out with intent to be living alone, but that is how it worked out. Never have I felt so alone and lonely than when I would come home to empty. Dark...

This year has been filled with growth beyond anything I would have ever thought possible 4 years ago. This year has given me the chance to feel, to be loved unconditionally, to trust and to become. I am not the same person I was 4 years ago, I am not even the same person I was a year ago. Mckenna’s birthday has been rough this year, but I have allowed myself to feel it and sit with it, without it taking over my existence. A couple weeks ago for the first time I think ever since I started on this grief journey I stayed in bed and cried on and off all day long. If anyone really knows me, knows that me doing this is a rather HUGE deal. A year ago I would not have even consider letting the tears come in fear of what they would bring, pain, but I got through it and the tears did not kill me and the pain did not devour me. I allowed the tears and pain to come because I have the right to grieve. As I was laying there I realized I was wiping my tears away with my dead child’s pajam...

Sometimes people come into your life and completely change how you see things and challenge you and all you are. This has happened to me yet again. Sometimes someone will present a question to me that will make me think. Those are what I call challenge questions. This new beautiful soul that has come into my life did just that. She saw something in me that I never told her and asked me a question that has once again brought on a new challenge. If you really know me you would know that, I like to put myself in situations that make me grow and become. Over the past year I have really gone over the top with challenges. Moving out on my own, working at PCH, doing my internship with crisis response, all of which have made me grow more than I ever thought possible.  When I moved out on my own I was terrified. The empty and lonely really hit me hard and I found myself in such a dark place that brought me to my knees. Though without those experiences I wouldn’t have seen my ab...

The MISS Foundation Conference has a way of re-charging your life. Some may think I am crazy for saying that for me going to a conference for parents whose children have died is some sort of a vacation. Not in the sense of relaxation (because believe me you are far from relaxed), but a sense of peace. Peace being surrounded by those who "get it", peace knowing you don't have to say a word and they "get it", and some might be surprised but being able to laugh. Learning about others beautiful children and be honored to know them  I was able to be Mckenna's mommy for 3 very long days, to talk about her and not feel judged. To have people come up to me and tell me that they remember Mckenna and tell their friends and family about the dangers of televisions, to know that Mckenna has touched so many lives is a bittersweet peaceful moment for me. So many children, so many lives lost, so many MISSed.  This is my second conference and it was far different from...

I am not sure I can even begin to explain what yesterday was like for me, but I am going to do my best....I did not sleep well the night before like I thought I would. The night before I told Mckenna's story to a beautiful soul friend and I felt like I could breathe again. There are times I feel the need to tell her story, to go to that place that is constantly replaying in my head. The swirling of memories, the images, words, the details I don't speak about very often. I woke up in a panic. I paced my apartment searching, wondering, lost, and breathing fast not knowing what to do. This pacing thing is kind of new for me. I have been told it is very primal and an instinctive reaction to the loss of a child. Pacing is all I could do because I was crawling out of my skin missing, longing, and yearning. I found it hard to breathe because each breath seemed to be taken from me. I kept repeating in my head, 4 years, how can it be 4 years? Where have the years gone? 4 years, I j...