It's been one year since becoming a mother again. A mother to a living child and what a year it's been. I never thought I would get the chance to be a mom again. I honestly thought we would be childless and look at Emerson almost daily and think, I can't believe we have a child. Emerson has been such a gift. He brings so much light into my world. I have grown and learned so much since he was born. It's been a year of a lot of growth, trial and error, figuring out what works for me as a mom and how I want to mother. Thought I would share 12 things I have learned this year with my sweet boy. In no particular order....
1. You can plan and have all the ideas of how you want things to go but those plans don't always go the way you had hoped and you sometimes have to pivot from the plan and learn what works and that's OK.
2. No two babies are the same so no two ways work the same for one child as it did for another.
3. Society "norms" can shove it where the sun don't shine. Why I listened to those and not go with my mama gut and heart when I had Mckenna breaks my heart. I didn't want to "spoil" so I would do things that went against what felt right. You can't spoil a baby. They need comfort, reassurance, responsiveness. Sometimes that means you have to figure out what works for you safely because it's not a one size fits all mentality.
4. Mindset was a game changer. I was so focused on the voice in my head that said I am supposed to be doing things this way because that's what "they" say. When I finally focused on Emerson will figure things out and I will support him in his time it changed everything. I am privileged to rock him to sleep at night and during his naps. He feeds to sleep, I sometimes will lay in his crib with him until he falls asleep because that is what he needs. What he needs may be different than my plan and that's ok. Sometimes it takes a long time to get him to bed at night but I get to lay with him until he falls asleep and what a gift that is. I know he will always be changing and needing new things in different ways but no matter what I will support him in the ways he needs.
5. The house work will get done eventually. I don't want his naps to always be filled with the things I "need" to get done while he is asleep because I need down time too. I have created a cleaning schedule that works for me and if something doesn't get done that week it will the following week and I don't stress about it. Time with Emerson is more important. Some days he is more needy and doesn't want to be far from me or wants me to hold him and I am not the master of doing everything one handed. I have become much more slack about the house as it's not the most important thing.
6. I am blessed with an amazing partner. What a difference it makes when you have a partner who is supportive, hands on, does his part to help the household. I feel so lucky to have a wonderful husband this time around.
7. I am more sensitive to children dying. Might sound weird since it's not like I wasn't sensitive before, it's just harder for me emotionally when I hear about it or see it. My mama heart was broken open again and my empathy is stronger. I can feel it deeply when I see a child who died. It's hard to articulate.
8. I care less about what people think because in the end it doesn't matter. My family may do something differently and that's ok. The way we parent is what works for us and we don't have room in our lives for judgmental people.
9. I want to protect Emerson from social media. I don't want to post information about him or share his picture because it is becoming a scary world out there and his digital footprint is important. I don't want him to look back one day and see all this information I posted about him that he did not give permission to share.
10. Grief can change when you welcome a new baby. Emerson has brought so much healing to my heart. My world is not consumed with grief, loss and sadness. It comes when it needs to and I of course still feel it and have moments but it's not all consuming. I share Mckenna with Emerson and his face lights up when he looks at her picture. What a different world it is to not be consumed with grief.
11. It has opened my eyes to who I am as a human and how I want to show up in the world. Emerson is my world and I had 38 years of life before him, so my time with him now is more important. I don't feel like I have lost myself but more I have found myself because being his mama is everything to me.
12. One of the biggest things I have learned and I am grateful for is to not wish things away. To honestly cherish the moment. I have enjoyed all the stages and I don't say "I can't wait for him to XYZ". He is growing so fast and all the things of babyhood and toddlerhood are such a blip in time. I take him in. Of course there are tough times but even in those moments I remind myself that this too will pass and won't be like this forever. That is a gift Mckenna gave me.
Motherhood is amazing for me. When he only wants mama and puts his little head on my shoulder all is right in the world. I am lucky to have this chance and lucky I get to tuck him safely in bed. He's healthy and full of life. I also know it is ever changing, he is ever changing but I hope he continues to have his sweet disposition. My time and energy is spent at home with my family where it should be.
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