Friday, September 28, 2012

There Are No Words.......




I am not sure I can even begin to explain what yesterday was like for me, but I am going to do my best....I did not sleep well the night before like I thought I would. The night before I told Mckenna's story to a beautiful soul friend and I felt like I could breathe again. There are times I feel the need to tell her story, to go to that place that is constantly replaying in my head. The swirling of memories, the images, words, the details I don't speak about very often. I woke up in a panic. I paced my apartment searching, wondering, lost, and breathing fast not knowing what to do. This pacing thing is kind of new for me. I have been told it is very primal and an instinctive reaction to the loss of a child. Pacing is all I could do because I was crawling out of my skin missing, longing, and yearning. I found it hard to breathe because each breath seemed to be taken from me. I kept repeating in my head, 4 years, how can it be 4 years? Where have the years gone? 4 years, I just can't accept that, how could it be? My phone was getting notification, after notification of pictures being posted, comments being made, and I could feel all the M-Bug love. So many taking the time to get dressed up and take a picture, so many honoring Mckenna, so many thinking of her, so many remembering her, so many who didn't even meet her. My classmates participating and giving me a beautiful ladybug gift, honoring Mckenna and showing me support. I am not sure what I was expecting yesterday to be, but I know I wasn't anticipating SOOOO much love and support.

Mckenna's life may have only been 9 short months, but she has impacted more people than I could have ever imagined. Thank you is not big enough to say to those who honored Mckenna, loved Mckenna, missed Mckenna WITH me. Thank you is not enough to say because for many months now I have felt as if I shouldn't share Mckenna and talk about her because of others reactions. That changed for me yesterday because it proved to me that Mckenna's beautiful life has not been forgotten, Mckenna's life is bigger and worth sharing. My beautiful soul friend told me that, mother's talk about their children. They talk about them, show pride in them, share their life with others, so you should talk about her because that is what a mother does.  Mckenna lives through me and through those around me. My baby girl is guiding me and shows me that she is still here, that she has not left my side.

So thank you is all I can say and just know that each and every one of you have touched my soul and gave me strength to look at yesterday as a bittersweet beautiful day full or love and support. And for that there are no words........

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