Ladybug Landing

    Two years ago I walked into an advisors office at ASU to talk about where to begin the process of getting into ASU's Social Work Program. What classes I needed, what to do to get in, the path of when I will be taking each class and what semester. I looked at that and saw the year I will be finished with my BSW and thought to myself, that's so far away. Well I am now starting my senior year and in 9 short months I will offically be a social worker. I can't not explain in words how incredibly excited (bittersweet) and proud I am. When I walk across that stage in May I am going to be filled with such emotion, because it's not just a degree for me, my internship is not just an internship, its so much bigger than that. The blood, sweat and TEARS I have been through to get to this place in my life is a BIG deal. It is an acomplishment that last year I never thought I would achieve. I am so blessed to have people in my life th...

Last night I finally had to face what I have feared since starting at PCH.....a child with injuries due to a television falling on them.  I was floated to a different floor. When looking at my assignment I noticed a lot of traumatic brain injuries listed (this happens to me a lot). This always breaks my heart and I am always curious of what happened to them. I went about my daily routine, I go and get report from the nurses. The last nurse I came to starts giving me report on one of the patients. As she is giving report I asked what happened to the child and she said, "a television fell on her head" I said, "say that again" because I wasn't quite sure I understood. At this point I am holding back the strong emotions, fighting the tears and wanted to run and never look back. I immeditatly go to the breakroom because I could feel the panic and tears building. I stand there for a moment trying to figure out what to do. My mind is racing a million mil...

I have never loved someone the way that I love Mckenna. I have never MISSed someone the way I MISS Mckenna. I have never felt the pain I feel MISSing Mckenna. My soul has been scarred from the pain. There are no words to describe what this life feels like to live everyday without my one true love. How to navigate through all the emotions that you face. Living with the responsiblity, the blame, the memories. I have been on this journey for 3 years 6 months and 13 days and yes I have learned more in this time than I have in my 28 years on earth. Yes I have come so far in my grief from even just 6 months ago, but the MISSing is the same. The ache in my chest, the knot in my stomach, the shivers down my spine, are all still present. I am planning a birthday celebration for my dead child, those words should not come out of a mother's mouth. I should be tucking her in at night, watching her grow and learn, teaching her the alphabet, learning her letters. I should be a mom to her on e...

In August of 2008 I started planning Mckenna's 1st birthday. I was making the guest list, picking a location, choosing the food and getting so excited to celebrate Mckenna's 1st birthday. That day never came and now she would be turning 5. How did that even happen? This has been hard for me to come to terms with. I am struggling to find a balance to all the emotions this birthday is bringing up. I am still 6 months away and my anxiety is threw the roof. All the details of the party have consumed my thoughts. The theme, who to invite, decorations, food, what to do, how to honor, yet celebrate her life. So many details to planning a party and it seems to be different when you are planning a party for a little girl who isn't physically here. I wanted to have a party for her this year because 5 is a big deal. It's the start of becoming a little girl, the start of school, the start of losing her teeth, learning to read and write. These are big mile stones that I will...

I am sure there are people in my life that wonder why I "still" continue to be a part of The MISS Foundation. Why I would continue to "still" dedicate my time to them. Well let me explain why it is so very important to me. I started going to The MISS Foundation support group in March of 2010. I knew about MISS from the beginning but thought it was for different kinds of baby loss, so never got involved. I had some support in the beginning after losing Mckenna, but not many that I felt truly safe with. My life had fallen apart and there was one person that I could trust to see me cry, express my thoughts and hold me while I sobbed on the floor. My support kind of dwindled in time and because of circumstances my safe person could no longer provide me with support, so in many ways I was trying to "deal" with it on my own. After some time of doing this I was in a very, very dark place. Having flashbacks, panic attacks, dark thoughts, horrible visions, which ...

Lonliness can be a powerful emotion. There are days that I am ok being alone, being by myself, able to sit with myself in my empty apt. Other days I struggle to make sense of how I got to this place of lonliness. There are two types of lonliness I am facing. There are days I am working and all I hear are other employees talk about their kids. My kid did this, my kid did that, their pregnancies, their life with their children. I am no different than them because I too have stories, and memories but the difference between them and me is that they get to go home to their children. I come home to an empty apt. The empty apt that should be filled with Mckenna's presence, her voice, her arms around me, her hello mommy, her kisses, her smell. This feeling is almost unbearable sometimes. The pit in my stomach, the ache in my chest, the emptiness in my heart. There are days I wish so hard for her to be there when I get home, that I think sometimes it will come true. There are days ...

There are people that come into your life and they change you forever. They open their hearts and soul to you and are in your life at just the right moment. Sometimes those relationships are just that, in the right moment. I have some of the most amazing people in my life. The people who love me unconditionally and love me for ME, ALL of me. I don't come with terms and conditions. There are times in my life that I can't live the way others feel I SHOULD be living. I can only live for the life that I AM living. I wake up everyday to an empty apt, I go to work, I go to school, I "live" my life the best way I can. Even though it has been over 3 1/2 years since Mckenna, I STILL grieve for her. I am STILL consumed with her because she was my daughter, IS my daughter. Many can not imagine losing a child. Many can not imagine going through what I and what others are living everyday. Sometimes I can't believe I am living this life myself. I am who I am and that is a...