Sunday, July 1, 2012

Nothing Like Planning Your Dead Daughter's 5th Birthday Party to Take Your Breath Away....... :-/

In August of 2008 I started planning Mckenna's 1st birthday. I was making the guest list, picking a location, choosing the food and getting so excited to celebrate Mckenna's 1st birthday. That day never came and now she would be turning 5. How did that even happen? This has been hard for me to come to terms with. I am struggling to find a balance to all the emotions this birthday is bringing up. I am still 6 months away and my anxiety is threw the roof. All the details of the party have consumed my thoughts. The theme, who to invite, decorations, food, what to do, how to honor, yet celebrate her life. So many details to planning a party and it seems to be different when you are planning a party for a little girl who isn't physically here. I wanted to have a party for her this year because 5 is a big deal. It's the start of becoming a little girl, the start of school, the start of losing her teeth, learning to read and write. These are big mile stones that I will never have the pleasure of experiencing with her.I wanted this party because I never got to throw one for her. I want people to remember her and celebrate her life. Nine months is all we got with her, but in those nine months she touched many lives. In the 3 years and 9 months she has been gone, she has touched more lives than I ever thought possible. I don't want those 9 months she was here to be forgotten, because those 9 months are the most important months of my entire life, and they deserve to be celebrated......She deserves to be celebrated.

The biggest struggle is the theme, where do I even begin? What would Mckenna choose? This part kills me, because though as her mother I would like to think I would know, truth be told, I do not. I have been looking and looking at themes and not one stands out. Not one says "this is what Mckenna would choose." How am I to choose a theme for a little girl who is not here? Will it just come to me? Will I see one and say "yes! this is the one?" I hope it becomes clear in the next couple months, because it hurts my heart not having her here to pick out her own theme. I knew what Mckenna loved at 9 months old and that was books, Blue's Clues and Backyardigans. I would have to guess that would be very different as a 5 year old. I wish I knew the 4 1/2 year old, soon to be 5 year old Mckenna. The Mckenna I will never get to know, the little girl she would be, the laughter, the growth, the mommy I love you's, the learning to spell her name, watching her concentrate so hard to learn her letters, watching the joy in her face when learning something new, the frustration at learning to tie her shoes, and the list goes on and on. I will never get to know that Mckenna. As her mother I am hoping I will get a sign as to what theme she would choose. Patience is needed on my part in order to see the signs, though patience is a struggle. My heart dropped after seeing a picture from Billy's sons first birthday party. The party I never got to throw for Mckenna. I am now planning a party for my dead daughter's 5th birthday, and that sentence alone takes my breath away.

With the help from some special people in my life, it will be a wonderful celebration of the birth of a sweet, beautiful, wonderful baby girl named Mckenna Jodell Fox. My heart, my soul, my life............

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