Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Hard to Breathe



I have never loved someone the way that I love Mckenna. I have never MISSed someone the way I MISS Mckenna. I have never felt the pain I feel MISSing Mckenna. My soul has been scarred from the pain. There are no words to describe what this life feels like to live everyday without my one true love. How to navigate through all the emotions that you face. Living with the responsiblity, the blame, the memories. I have been on this journey for 3 years 6 months and 13 days and yes I have learned more in this time than I have in my 28 years on earth. Yes I have come so far in my grief from even just 6 months ago, but the MISSing is the same. The ache in my chest, the knot in my stomach, the shivers down my spine, are all still present. I am planning a birthday celebration for my dead child, those words should not come out of a mother's mouth. I should be tucking her in at night, watching her grow and learn, teaching her the alphabet, learning her letters. I should be a mom to her on earth. Instead I have to wonder what she would be like, what she would look like, sound like. I have to sit here and use my imagination of the little girl I will never get to see grow up. I have her things piled up in a storage closet on my balcony in which I can not get rid of, though can't look at. I still have no pictures up of her beautiful face because it's too painful to look into the face of the little girl I took from this earth. No one will ever understand or change how I feel. In many ways I feel I don't deserve the happiness that so many believe I am deserving of. I have always just half lived because fully living meant I have forgiven myself. This is not true. I can't not forvive myself for something that took my child's life. I can only relearn to live a new life the best way I can without her. Some days I have the heaviness in my heart, the tears just at the surface, the anxiety all over my body, yet no one knows. It has become a part of who I am, though it is a reminder of the loss. I wish I was a "normal" mother with the "normal" motherhood lives and worries. I MISS my daughter everyday and some days it is almost too much to bare. I wish I made a different decision that day, I wish I never would have moved that TV, I wish I would have been more present that day, I wish things were different, but they are not. I can not change what happened that day, I can only learn from it and that is all I seem to be doing. Learning to live with the mistake, learning to live without her, and learning to feel. Tonight I can only breathe in and breathe out because living without her is making it hard to breathe........

2 comments:

  1. As heartbreaking as it is to read your posts, its nothing compared to what you feel. As crazy as it sounds, I always feel closer to you when I do, and even though we arent close, I love that you let us all in. That you allow us, friends, family, and aquaitances, to be a part of your process. I love that when I see a ladybug or anything with a ladybug on it that Im reminded of McKenna. It takes me back to the times that before you got pregnant and we were at orientation at la loma and I asked you if you had any children and you said no but you wanted a child more than anything. Then to the time you told us you were pregnant, to when she was born and the whole facility was happy. Then to when you brought her in and she was just this little bundle of amazing! So tiny with a smile that could melt your heart! Im so thankful to be a part of that even if it seems like such a small part. Thank you for sharing your life with me so I can share anytime I get the chance to keep McKenna's memory alive!

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  2. Thinking of you often. Thank you for sharing your daughter and your memories.

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