Ladybug Landing

When your a child all you want to do is grow up and make your own decisions, live your own life and not answer to anyone. What we don't realize as children in how complicated life is the older you get. Having to work, pay bills, juggle work and family life, juggle relationships, friendships, worry about so much more than whether or not you can go outside and play with your friends. As I have grown older life has been more than complicated. I have been through a lot in my 27 years on earth and I know since I have survived the unthinkable I can get through anything, but sometimes the smallest things can bring me to my knees without warning. I am always surprised by my reactions to some of the smallest bumps in the road. I often wonder if it is because there are so many open wounds that I have not allowed to heal, because healing some of the wounds causes so much pain. These past few weeks I have been in a fog and in not such a good place. I hardly remember the months of Sept, Oct a...

3 years ago today I held my beautiful daughter while her heart stopped beating, 3 years ago today I held her, kissed her and touched her for the very last time,   3 years ago today I walked out of the hospital empty handed leaving a part of me with her.   Nothing I have ever experienced in my life will ever be as painful as it has been losing Mckenna and learning to live life without her. My whole life changed and not in just the obvious ways, my mind changed, my thinking changed, I physically and emotionally change. I   touched places within myself I never knew existed. I am still amazed at the fact that I am still standing 3 years later. NEVER did I imagine I would be where I am today. I remember lying on my floor sobbing, clinging to her pajamas just trying to get through the seconds not even being able to look past the minute. In the past 3 years I have grown in ways I never thought possible. I have learned to laugh and have joy again. I have learned that this is a...

Over the past year or so I have had the strong urge to apply at PCH. I was too scared and thought I was crazy for even considering it, so I put it in the back of my brain. Well as we know when you put things in the back of your brain they have a tendency to sneak back into the front. So I have battled this overwhelming urge to apply for many months till one day I felt it was time and applied. I applied for many positions and never got a call back, so I figured it just wasn’t my time. Until I got an email saying another PCT job opened up so I said to myself, one more time and if I don’t get it I will put it to rest for a little while longer. Well a couple days later I got a call back. I was excited, scared, nervous, thrilled and called them back to set a day for an interview. Honestly I didn’t think I did well in the interview and realized that I need to get some better interview skills. Well 2 days after my interview I got a call late on a Fri evening saying I have been offered a po...

Wow 13 years, has it really been that long since I have saw my dad? Has it really been that long since I called someone *dad*? How can it be that he has been gone 13 years? As this day has been approaching he has been on my mind and I have actually had several dreams about him. One of the things that has crossed my mind is that he has been gone as many years as I was alive at the time of his diagnosis. I am not sure why this seems to affect me so, but it has. The year he was diagnosed with brain cancer I had just turn 13 and was so excited to finally get to see him more often. Growing up I didn’t get see him as much as I would have liked. I don’t have the memories my brothers and sister have, I never got to really know my dad the way they did, though the memories I do have I cherish. The same month I moved back to Phoenix, and finally got the chance to spend time with the dad I longed to be with, was the same month he was diagnosed with a 3 inch brain tumor. I remember those days as i...

This "hallmark" holiday is one that can be very hard to handle when your one and only child is in heaven. But today I got to do what I love best and that is honor my daughter. The Empty Stroller / Empty Shoe walk was AMAZING and the turn out was everything we hoped for. Looking around at all the families of the children gone too soon is such a sight to see. The love that comes when all the families come together is overwhelming. It was an honor to be there and to be recognized as a mother. My life changed the moment a little girl named Mckenna Jodell Fox came into this world and made me a mother. I AM a mother and Mckenna IS my daughter always and forever. I will walk for her until the day I am reunited with her again.

Today as I was visiting Mckenna I watched a father tend to his son's grave. It struck me and I couldn't help but watch this father showing his love for his son. He was cutting the grass around the headstone making sure it was perfectly cut, putting everything in its place, moving things around just a bit to make it perfect. I found this so touching and yet so heartbreaking. This is his way to parent the son who is no longer here for him to parent. When he was finished he took a step back looking up at the sky, then looking at his son's spot rubbing his eyes fighting back the tears. I felt like I should look away because this was his time with his son and so personal but my heart broke for him. This is not the way things are supposed to be. Your not supposed to bury your child they are supposed to bury you, your not supposed to make sure their graves are perfectly kept and well cared for your supposed to watch them grow. It is so unfair on so many levels that he has to go ...

Forgiving someone doesn't come easy, asking for forgiveness is hard to do and forgiving yourself is almost impossible. I have heard this word "forgiveness" for almost 2 1/2 years since Mckenna's death.  "You need to FORGIVE yourself, it wasn't your fault, it was an ACCIDENT." What people don't understand is no matter the fact that it was an ACCIDENT it truly was my fault. It was because of my actions of moving the television that Mckenna is no longer here. I am responsible for my daughters death. Until this past January I could not "forgive" myself. How could I let myself off the hook for killing Mckenna? Well what I have come to learn in this journey is that yes I am the one that moved the TV, yes I am the one responsible for taking Mckenna's life but it was an ACCIDENT. I DID NOT intend for this to happen, I DID NOT do this on purpose, I made a MISTAKE yes a very BIG MISTAKE, but I have taken responsiblity for what I have done a...

Just imagine for a  moment you wake up one morning with your beautiful, healthy, full of life baby girl. The day goes on like it is supposed to. Then suddenly you make a decision that will change your life FOREVER. You turn a TV too far and it falls on your precious child. You pull your lifeless child from under this massive television knowing in your heart that she won't survive this.                      Just imagine for a momen t holding your beautiful baby girl with tubes coming out of every part of her body knowing these were the last moments you are going to hold your baby while her heart was still beating. Then the doctor coming in telling you " we have been watching her heart on the monitor and we think it has stopped, so I am going to check" she places the stethoscope on her tiny chest and looking you into your eyes with tears in her eyes saying "she's gone".              ...

2 years 4 months and 1 day ago my life completely changed. I entered a world that I never knew existed, a life that I wouldn't wish upon anyone even my worst enemy. On my journey I have learned a great deal about myself and I am still learning and *becoming* the Ashley that I must have chosen to be. In the beginning of this grief journey I never, ever thought I would be where I am at today. When I would lay on my bedroom floor curled up in a ball sobbing asking for my daughter back, asking why, saying I can't do this anymore not wanting to take another breath, I couldn't see past my pain. I couldn't see past that hour or min let alone think years down the road. But as I sit here today and I look back on how far I have come I am in amazement. I am still breathing, I am still here, I have survived these past 2 years 4 months and 1 day without the love of my life. The roads are not easy, they go up and down, they have unexpected curves, they have huge mountains and somet...

How do I put to words how much I hate that TV? How do I describe how it felt to destroy it? When I first laid eyes on the television it lierally took my breath away, it was the first time I had seen it since that day. It was much bigger than I remember and all I could think was my poor, poor baby girl. I have wanted to destroy the televison that killed Mckenna for over 2 years and I finally got the chance this past Sunday. I couldn't get rid of it or sell it because I couldn't fathom a family watching the TV that took my child's life. When the day finally came to destroy the thing that took her from me I had so many emotions going through my body. I was scared, nervous and had flashbacks all morning. I was curious to see how I would react and how I would feel when I was done. I decided to to take it out to the desert to destroy it so I could shoot at the screen to make sure it would be easier to break. First shot cracked ...

Sometimes there are people in your life that you don’t realize are the people you need the most. You try so hard to get the love and support from people that just end up not being what you need or what you thought they were. It’s the people who love you unconditionally that go unnoticed. I have always known my family loves me but never did I realize how much my sister in law loves me till this morning. I know people think about Mckenna and love her but never mention her to me at random. They don’t tell me a memory or tell me how much they miss her. I know a lot of people don’t know what to say or they don’t want bringing her up to make me sad or cry. But the smallest thing like ladybug cookies to show me that Mckenna has not been forgotten and that they love her and miss her has made my heart smile. Such a simple and kind gesture has me at a loss for words really. So take the time to remember someone’s child by doing a random act of kindness in their name or just call them and tell ...