When your a child all you want to do is grow up and make your own decisions, live your own life and not answer to anyone. What we don't realize as children in how complicated life is the older you get. Having to work, pay bills, juggle work and family life, juggle relationships, friendships, worry about so much more than whether or not you can go outside and play with your friends. As I have grown older life has been more than complicated. I have been through a lot in my 27 years on earth and I know since I have survived the unthinkable I can get through anything, but sometimes the smallest things can bring me to my knees without warning. I am always surprised by my reactions to some of the smallest bumps in the road. I often wonder if it is because there are so many open wounds that I have not allowed to heal, because healing some of the wounds causes so much pain.
These past few weeks I have been in a fog and in not such a good place. I hardly remember the months of Sept, Oct and a little bit of Nov. Most likely due to grief brain, but it is strange to look back and only remember bits and pieces of 2 1/2 months. I have been trying to process so many things at once that I have been on overload and not able to fully function.
Well the fog is lifting and I am taking a step back and realizing that many wounds need to be healed that I have not taken care of. I can not heal at all if I continue to leave these wounds open. Yes I will have a scar that will be tender to the touch every now and then, but won't hurt as if it was fresh. I can't continue to live this way and something needs to be done, so I am going to surrender and just let what comes come and (try) to not control the emotions. If I cry, I will cry, if I laugh, I will laugh, if I scream, I will scream. I have been lost these past couple months but I am finding my way and I know I CAN do this. I know I have some people in my life that are going to hold me to these emotions (you know who you are) and I am going to PROMISE that I will try very hard to allow these wounds to be healed and these emotions to be expressed. Can't fully live until I do so.
My life was blessed with a beautiful, smart, loving, brave little girl for a reason and I am going to make her proud and live life to the fullest and make a difference in this world. For M-Bug ALWAYS and FOREVER.
Mckenna Jodell mommy loves and misses you with every breath I take. Keep sending me the signs telling me I am where I am supposed to be. I will listen to that inner voice that I know is you guiding me baby girl. I am listening. I love you pumpkin pie. Sending you mommy lovin and a few kisses <3