Ladybug Landing

Now that is has been a couple days since I said goodbye to PCH I figured it was time to express just what it all means to me. I spent three years at PCH. As I look back on the last three years it is hard to believe that I survived it all. When I started at PCH I was terrified. I had some serious doubts in myself and how I was going to walk into the building where Mckenna died every shift, how I was going to be around sick children, broken children, children who are alone, children who are abused, and children Mckenna’s age. I just didn't know how I was going to handle it all and I would be lying if I said it wasn't challenging. It was one of the hardest, most challenging things I have ever done.  In the beginning I really struggled to work there. I would cry every shift, have flashbacks, I would be distant, closed off, shut down, just to survive the shift, my life, everything. I wanted to quit many times, I would look for jobs and even put in applications but I wou...

While I was with a beautiful friend this week I was taken to a place deep within my soul that I have not visited in a long time. It is not easy to visit places that I have not visited in a long time because they are so painful, yet it needs to happen from time to time. Mckenna’s story was the place, the details I don’t share often, the injuries, the images that swirl in my head but are hardly spoken came out as I sat with my beautiful friend. The injuries were discussed in detail and this brought me back to that day as if it was yesterday. The tears started and did not stop for some time as I retold parts of the story, the parts that take my breath away, the parts that should not be a part of my life, the parts that bring me to my knees. My friend asked me as I am sharing a painful part of the story, “did anyone ever say I’m sorry to you,” and this has stayed with me all week. For years I have placed the blame solely on myself. From the moment of the accident I was saying I’m so...

Mothers day has been a tough holiday for many years. Even before I lost my daughter and my mom it was always hard. Mothers day can be difficult when you grow up with an alcoholic. I often stood in the card section with tears in my eyes because none of the cards fit our relationship. “You’re an amazing mother”, “you have always been there for me,” “you’re the best mom in the world” didn't exactly speak to our relationship. At the time I held so much anger towards my mother for choosing alcohol over her children, over herself. For years that anger made me distant and eventually making the decision to take a step back and love her from afar. I still called her, checked on her, but was cold and distant in order to protect myself. I could no longer stand there and watch her “kill” herself with alcohol. Doing this came with a price, it meant I closed off my heart, my love for her because I couldn’t think about losing her and thought that in doing this losing her would not be s...

Being disconnected has been my world for a few years, disconnected from feelings, love, and life. This past weekend we were asked to think of a word that would be our intention for the weekend as we embark on some heavy, beautiful grief work. The first word that came to mind was connection. I wanted to connect to my feelings, others feelings, Mckenna, my mom and feel with my whole heart without disconnecting from the world around me. I needed to feel what came up and allow myself to just be with it, trust it, honor it and love it. I needed to love myself enough to dig deep and reach in and feel what I try so hard to disconnect from. Being disconnected is a lonely world and it’s a world that I really don’t care to live in anymore. I let my guard down and allowed myself to be vulnerable which allowed me to truly be with Mckenna the entire time. I felt her with me, I honored her life, I was her mother and mothered her the only way I can now. My head was swirling with memori...

This is my reality, this is in my head every day, this is my memory of the day and night that I lost my mom….. I call you, no answer (you will call me back) This is your new pattern, don’t pick up, don’t call back (slow worry sets in) Call again (why aren’t you answering? Please pick up) Continue on with my day (call mom again later, you will answer, you're just napping) Call again, no answer (What the hell mom why aren't you answering…….you're fine, probably drinking) Go to my internship, worry on the back of my brain Call again, no answer (ok this is not like you mom, please answer your phone so I know you’re ok) Call Brandon, maybe he has heard from you (nope, well shit, you're ok, you have to be ok) Driving home (I will check on you tomorrow) Nope tomorrow is too long, check on you now. (you're ok, I know you're ok) Put the key in the door, deep breath Lights are off, TV is on. I slow...

I have been on this journey of going to school in Houston for months now. It has been my every focus and thought since Aug/Sept. I wanted to go to Houston so bad because it was what I felt I needed. It was a clean start with a great opportunity to grow and step outside of my comfort zone and get a great education. I went for a visit last month and to be honest I wasn’t overly impressed with Houston. The school was beautiful and old and the social work program is rather impressive. There were things I liked and things I didn’t like about the program, but overall it seemed to be a good program. Though I struggled with Houston as a whole. The city, the people, it was all very overwhelming for me and kind of discouraging. I came home not as excited and was kind of disappointed. Ever since coming home something about it didn’t feel right. This past week I have felt somewhat lost and nervous about feeling this way after all these months of making these plans. Then I had a conver...

For years people have said to me, “it’s not your fault”, “don’t blame yourself”, “it was an accident”, and those words have always hurt me. Many may not understand why it would hurt me but many do not know what it is like to kill their daughter…unintentionally. Those words may be uncomfortable for others to hear or even say, but they are truth, they are my truth. I did not intend for the accident to happen, I did not drop the television on purpose, I did not mean to kill my daughter, but it is what happen…unintentionally. My hands moved the tv that fell on my daughter, the tv that took her life. I have replayed what happened in my head thousands of times, the moment that changed my life forever. Many could not comprehend what it was like to have this vibrant, happy, healthy, beautiful baby playing, following me around carefree because she had nothing to fear and the next she is laying under a television that you moved….gone in a matter of seconds. That moment has taken my brea...