Mothers day has been a tough holiday for many years. Even
before I lost my daughter and my mom it was always hard.
Mothers day can be difficult when you grow up with an
alcoholic. I often stood in the card section with tears in my eyes because none
of the cards fit our relationship. “You’re an amazing mother”, “you have always
been there for me,” “you’re the best mom in the world” didn't exactly speak to
our relationship. At the time I held so much anger towards my mother for
choosing alcohol over her children, over herself. For years that anger made me
distant and eventually making the decision to take a step back and love her
from afar. I still called her, checked on her, but was cold and distant in
order to protect myself. I could no longer stand there and watch her “kill”
herself with alcohol. Doing this came with a price, it meant I closed off my
heart, my love for her because I couldn’t think about losing her and thought
that in doing this losing her would not be so hard. Then…
A few short months
later I found her lifeless in her bed and all those feelings were gone. The alcohol
didn't matter, the anger went away as if it never existed, all I wanted in that
moment was for her to be alive. My fear became a reality and I sat there one
last time with her telling her just how sorry I was for failing her, for not
being the daughter she wished I could have been.
In the time since my mothers death I have discovered the
pain, the heartache, the hurt, the loneliness, and the sadness that she carried
with her. The beautiful person and human being she was, and what I would give
to have her back. I hate that death made me see my mom, truly see her and that I
will never get the chance to make things right.
I knew my mom and I loved her so deeply that her death has
really affected me the shoulda, coulda woulda’s haunt me. I couldn’t save her
and I live with guilt every day.
This mothers day is double hard as I will not get showered
with gifts, homemade cards, hugs and kisses from my should be 6 year old
daughter, and I will not get to show my mom the love I have for her, give her a
homemade card and give her hugs and kisses. Being a daughterless mother and a
motherless daughter I hurt deep in my soul.
I miss my Mckenna and
I miss my mom. Mother's day is hard when you're a bereaved mom and a motherless daughter.
Comments
Post a Comment