Ladybug Landing

As the week continues and each day passes I am struck by how fast time goes. It has now been 2 days since the 27th. All year long I dreaded the month of Sept because it proves that yes another year has past, yes time does still go on, and yes your daughter has really been gone another year. I can feel it in my body as the day approaches as my mood starts to change and my heart seems to ache more and more. I am still in disbelief that it has really been 24 months, 2 days, 11 hours, 45 min since I last held her in my arms. I am trying to recount this past week and I can honestly say I don't remember last week. I feel like I am still in a fog and my days seem to come and go and I don't even remember them. Not sure it this a good thing or not but I am just going with the flow right now because I think that is all I can do. This year I have to say has been different. The fist year and a half I went around as if nothing ever happened. I pushed my feelings aside beca...

Wow how can it be that 2 years ago we lost Mckenna? Looking back on these 2 years I can honestly say it has been a big blur. 2 years ago I would have never thought I would survive without Mckenna, and yet here I am still living and breathing when some days I wish I didn’t have to wake another day without her.   In the beginning I did what I could to just get by I put on a mask to show that I was “ok” when in reality I was dying inside struggling to breathe each breath because it hurt so much to breathe. I had people in my life that would help me along the way when I needed them but over time that put a strain on my relationships so it was easier to just avoid the pain and live life like it never happened. When in reality it DID happen.   I held my daughter while her heart stopped, I buried my child, I lost the love of my life in a matter of seconds. How could I just cover it up like it didn’t happen? One thing I have learned in these past 2 years is that you can’t avoid the pa...

Today I have been reflecting on the last week I had with Mckenna. It seems like I can recall every detail of the last week I had her in  my arms and thought I would share my last week.  My last day with Mckenna  Sat Sept 20th : Billy had Mckenna that weekend but left her with Tammy to come move our stuff into storage. I missed her but thankful to have someone to watch her while we moved  MOST of our stuff. Sun Sept 21st, 2008 : I worked that day and couldn't wait to get off work because I was getting Mckenna back. Billy dropped her off at my work I waited with her outside for Mare to get done because we rode together. She was happy to see her mommy. Mon Sept 22nd, 2008 : I had started this class at Pheonix college for my CCT at work so I could draw blood and put in and take out foley's. Mare couldn't watch her that day so my friend Lisa took the day off work to watch her for me. I had to wake up extra early to get ready just in case Mckenna was up earlier ...

Going into this journey of being mindful and in the moment by hiking barefoot was done with alot of thought. When I first heard about it I was like no way that is crazy but as I thought about it more I thought what a great thing that must be, to just be in the moment. So I decided I would try this adventure with an open mind and it was an experience like no other. Starting out it wasn't so bad yes it hurt a little bit but we soon came to realize was that the ground was EXTREMELY HOT! The trail got more rocky and harder as we went higher. And my feet began to really feel each and every rock and how hot the ground really was. On this trail I was told it was alot like grief. So as we are climbing I am thinking of this( even though your supposed to be in the moment ) and it is so very true. Each step I took had a different feeling sometimes it hurt like hell, then other times it wasn't so bad I could stand the pain, then ...

I thought I would give blogging a try since I am learning how to express what I am feeling and want to share my life experiences and what those experiences are teaching me. Ladybug Landing is in honor of my daughter Mckenna.