12 Long Years Without You

It has been 12 years since my heart shattered in a million pieces. 12 years since I last held, kissed, and loved on my daughter. In these 12 years I have been to the bottom of a dark hole clawing my way out, to the peak of joy holding onto the light. I never thought I would ever survive her loss. I wanted to die more times than not. I wanted her back so desperately I got lost in the dark for many years. It took time but I have found my way to the light and more days than not are filled with light, joy, laughter and love. Dark days still come and I ache for my daughter, I long for her and desperately want her back, but I have learned to sit in those days and allow grief to wash over me because it’s the love that washes over me too. I honestly welcome those days because in a weird way it’s the days I feel closest to her. Grief is always and forever changing but one thing remains the same and that is love.

It is the first year I have not done a big red and black day. I did not feel the need to but have to admit it was a bittersweet moment after going through all my FB memories filled with all the red and black days and how special they were. In some ways it makes me feel like everyone will forget her if I don't continue to share her and her story. Share her days publicly since it is what I have done for 12 years. Will people remember her? It is my job as her mom to keep her memory alive so if I don't share publicly do I love her less? Why do I feel the need to share publicly still after 12 years?These are the questions that fill my mind as I process not doing a red and black day. Judging myself for not posting and judging myself for posting.

Nevertheless, today was special and filled with love even without "red and black day". I had friends who honored and remembered her. Texts, love, thoughts truly mean more than anyone can know. My amazing husband started my day with a beautiful hand written card. We shared space with friends for breakfast who we have not seen since January. Spent time at the cemetary and ended the day with a friend who is family. I truly am blessed with some beautiful souls in my life and wouldn’t know how I would have survived these years without them.

It’s been 12 years and frankly that is a long time. My heart misses her and I wish so much that this day was not the day I lost the love of my life and it was just another day. Grief changes and this is the year that it may become more private and I guess that is ok…

I miss you and I love you my sweet baby girl.

Mckenna Jodell

12/27/07-12/27/08

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