12 Long Years Without You

It has been 12 years since my heart shattered in a million pieces. 12 years since I last held, kissed, and loved on my daughter. In these 12 years I have been to the bottom of a dark hole clawing my way out, to the peak of joy holding onto the light. I never thought I would ever survive her loss. I wanted to die more times than not. I wanted her back so desperately I got lost in the dark for many years. It took time but I have found my way to the light and more days than not are filled with light, joy, laughter and love. Dark days still come and I ache for my daughter, I long for her and desperately want her back, but I have learned to sit in those days and allow grief to wash over me because it’s the love that washes over me too. I honestly welcome those days because in a weird way it’s the days I feel closest to her. Grief is always and forever changing but one thing remains the same and that is love.

It is the first year I have not done a big red and black day. I did not feel the need to but have to admit it was a bittersweet moment after going through all my FB memories filled with all the red and black days and how special they were. In some ways it makes me feel like everyone will forget her if I don't continue to share her and her story. Share her days publicly since it is what I have done for 12 years. Will people remember her? It is my job as her mom to keep her memory alive so if I don't share publicly do I love her less? Why do I feel the need to share publicly still after 12 years?These are the questions that fill my mind as I process not doing a red and black day. Judging myself for not posting and judging myself for posting.

Nevertheless, today was special and filled with love even without "red and black day". I had friends who honored and remembered her. Texts, love, thoughts truly mean more than anyone can know. My amazing husband started my day with a beautiful hand written card. We shared space with friends for breakfast who we have not seen since January. Spent time at the cemetary and ended the day with a friend who is family. I truly am blessed with some beautiful souls in my life and wouldn’t know how I would have survived these years without them.

It’s been 12 years and frankly that is a long time. My heart misses her and I wish so much that this day was not the day I lost the love of my life and it was just another day. Grief changes and this is the year that it may become more private and I guess that is ok…

I miss you and I love you my sweet baby girl.

Mckenna Jodell

12/27/07-12/27/08

Comments

Closing the Book of my Childhood...

Growing up I went to my Nana and Papa's house frequently. She would keep us weeks at a time in the summers. Nana was for a grandmother but also didn't take any back talk or attitude. When I was 10 years old, I moved in with Nana and Papa. My room was downstairs, without a door and had the washer and dryer in the room. Eventually they put on saloon like doors for a little privacy. I lived there until I turned 13. Big years living with your grandparents. Vital years really, but I wouldn't have had it any other way. I always felt connected to my Nana. We were a lot a like. I still wonder what she would think of me now and how I turned out. I would help around the property, help plant cactus (and laugh hysterically together after because we were so sweaty and gross), helped feed the animals, water the trees, water the plants, ride my bike all the time. I actually played out doors every day. Sometimes I was allowed to eat ice cream for dinner when no one wanted to c...

Life, Reflecting and Loving Myself

I may have been built from the fire but I was also lost in the fire . I have been reflecting a lot on my life and where I am today. A few months back I wanted to join the Glendale Fire Crisis Response team again. I felt I was ready to do what I feel I am meant to be doing. I was finally able to do the ride along in Dec and it felt good to be back on the van. I knew it would be a different experience this time around. As an intern it almost killed me (literally). I had the interview and I was picked to join the team again. Again it felt right and felt like “home” to be at the fire station and being part of the team again. They have training classes and in one of the classes I was drowning in memories. Personally I have had the crisis response team show up for 3 different family members and all very traumatic circumstances. I was drowning in the memories of the calls I went on as an intern. All 8 hours of the class I was trying to swim through the memories without them taki...

12 Things I've Learned (so far) Since Becoming a Mama Again

It's been one year since becoming a mother again. A mother to a living child and what a year it's been. I never thought I would get the chance to be a mom again. I honestly thought we would be childless and look at Emerson almost daily and think, I can't believe we have a child. Emerson has been such a gift. He brings so much light into my world. I have grown and learned so much since he was born. It's been a year of a lot of growth, trial and error, figuring out what works for me as a mom and how I want to mother. Thought I would share 12 things I have learned this year with my sweet boy. In no particular order.... 1. You can plan and have all the ideas of how you want things to go but those plans don't always go the way you had hoped and you sometimes have to pivot from the plan and learn what works and that's OK. 2. No two babies are the same so no two ways work the same for one child as it did for another. 3. Society "norms" can shove it where th...

Ladybug Landing

Search This Blog