Sunday, June 18, 2017

4 Years Ago

On this day 4 years ago I found my mom dead in her bed. Over the years I have expressed what that moment felt like and still 4 years later there are no words to adequately put to words what that moment was like. I am not sure how it has been 4 years already and I miss her just as much now as I did the day I found her. The grief has shifted and I am able to carry it differently but I still miss her.

4 years ago I was angry with her. Alcoholism is a hard disease to manage when it has consumed one of the most important people in your life. I lost my mom before she died. I lost the mom I knew she was deep inside that dark hell she lived in. I couldn’t save her. It has taken a long time for me to process her death and her life. I couldn’t save her because I was her daughter and she needed to be able to save herself. But I tried my hardest to save her, or I thought I tried my hardest. I still feel I am not able to forgive myself for walking away from her a few days before she died. Walking away angry. Imaging those last days of her life can still bring me to my knees and I don’t think of those days often.

My mom was so loving and compassionate. Her smile and laugh were contagious. My mom raised 2 children who turned out to be amazing human beings. My mom was a fighter. My mom loved deeply and her children/grandchildren were her life. My mom was beautiful, smart, caring, adventurous, giving, vivacious and so many other things that I wish I embraced when she were alive.

I miss her calls, I miss her voice, I miss her presence on this earth but I also know that she is guiding me along the way. Working with Mckenna to ensure that I follow the right path. I would give anything to have one more conversation, phone call, visit with her but that is not possible anymore. I wish she was here because life can be lonely without the ones you love. 4 years seems impossible.

I love and miss you mom with all of my heart and soul. 

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