Friday, January 20, 2017

Sudden Memories of Moments in Time

I usually use this blog for moments of growth and reflection. Tonight I want to share a moment of grief that caught me off guard. A moment that took my breath away. I was driving home tonight and I was thinking about random things and had the thought of fire fighters and paramedics and what they see in their careers which lead to the memory that took my breath.

Over the years and especially in the beginning of this journey I needed to know every detail of the day Mckenna died. I wanted to hear from others that were involved that day, I wanted to hear their stories. I was given the opportunity to speak with the paramedic and EMT. It's actually a really neat story of how it happened but that may be a story for another time. The moment that I was remembering tonight was from the EMT. When I called 911 I was so hysterical that they could not understand what I was saying so they automatically dispatched a code but they did not say if it was an adult or child. The EMT shared that when he walked in and saw Mckenna's little body on the ground it stopped him in his tracks because he wasn't expecting a baby. He said he had a baby at home.I was imagining what that must have felt like and my heart dropped. I remember standing there and I couldn't even see Mckenna. She was surrounded by these fire fighters and paramedics. I was standing there watching them frantically try and stabilize my sweet baby girl. I stood there in shock as the police were talking to me and I was on the phone sobbing saying, oh my god what have I done, I killed my baby over and over. I was imagining the feeling of this young EMT as he walked in a home where he was expecting to help save an adult but instead an infant was laying there lifeless. He said that the fire chief had to snap him out of it for him to do his job. I remember getting into the passenger seat of the ambulance looking over and he had this terrified look on his face and did not say two words to me. I believe he knew what the outcome was going to be and he could not face the mother of the baby he just tried to save but knew would not live.

Meeting those men and hearing their stories of the worst day of my life has always been a blessing and a curse. A blessing because I was able to thank them for working so hard to save Mckenna and a curse because I heard things I could not unhear.

Since I was on the Crisis Response Team I have an understanding of what fire fighters and paramedics see on a regular basis. The horrific scenes that you can't unsee. They do not realize the impact they have on the families they interact with and the lasting impressions they give. I did not interact with them much, but I will forever and always be thankful that they fought for Mckenna to live and when they heard she died they were devastated.

My poor baby girl, my sweet baby girl. So many memories pop into my head but that is the first time I put myself in that EMT's shoes. They have a tough job and they said they will never forget Mckenna. I will never forget them either.

I have been missing Mckenna and can feel the build up of grief. This brought me to tears as I remembered this moment. My baby girl died and there are days that I still can't believe that she's gone...

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