Mckenna has been gone
6 years, 6 years. I just don’t know how that happened and yet this year it
feels like it hasn’t been that long. I yearn for her, long for her, and when I
look at her pictures I cry, yes even 6 years later. Sometimes it is hard for me
to fathom that Mckenna died, that she is buried in the ground, and that I held
her when she died. Just does not seem possible.
Dead and died were not a part of my vocabulary in the
beginning because those words hurt my soul, they didn’t feel “right” (as if
saying my daughter is dead would ever really feel “right.”) And still sometimes
when I say those words my breath is taken as it is hard to believe that my
child died. How she could wake up one morning and 3 hours later be fighting for
her life, how 9 hours later she was in my arms as her heart stops beating, how
I could go to bed that night without her? I listen to those words coming out of
my mouth and they feel as if I am telling someone else’s story, a story from a
movie, a story that could not possibly be my life.
Not sure why this year has been more intense with grief than
last year, and I guess it shouldn’t really matter why, it just is. Tears come
easy as I think of Mckenna and sit with the pain. I wish it was easy for me to
lay on my bed, curl up into a ball, and cry those deep cries out like I know I
need to, like I know I should. Silent tears fall, as I just wish this wasn’t my
life.
This past year has brought me to a place of peace that I
have not had in many, many years. Though I am more at peace it doesn’t mean I
don’t have days of grief, that I don’t miss Mckenna, that I don’t have sad
days, because I do, still even after 6 years. Though this peace has been needed
for many years, it also reminds me to stay humble because at any given moment it
could be taken from me yet again. It is teaching me to not sit around and wait
for the ball to drop, but to embrace the moments of joy and pay attention to
the moments of sadness and be ok in each and every moment. Self compassion
isn’t easy for me as I have many stories I tell myself, but I am being reminded
every day that it is ok to feel how I feel without judgment, that if I am sad
and miss my daughter I have the right to miss her, and if I am angry (which has
been a big emotion lately) that it is deserved that and be ok.
6 years later I can still be back to that day as if it were
happening all over again right before my eyes, the difference between now and 6
years ago is that I can sit in that pain and tolerate it better, I can carry it
better, I can just be with it and know, trust, that the darkness will fade into
light all while knowing the dark will come around again. I have learned that it
will go just as quickly as it came, I don’t have to sit in it all the time to
feel connected to Mckenna, that joy, tears, laughter can all coexist in the
same sentence, and that my love for Mckenna will never end and that means my
grief will never end.
I miss her fiercely, from the depth of my soul, to the tips
of my toes.
My dear Mckenna,
I wish I could wrap my arms around you, squeeze you and
never let go. I wish I could kiss your face all over and make you laugh, I wish
I could hold your hand, I wish I knew what you looked like, I wish, I wish, I
wish…..I love you baby girl and miss you so very much. Hope you feel the love
today as there are so many who are thinking of you. Sending you big love and
big hugs.
Love,
Mommy
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